The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

The Spark Inside - Doctor

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 06:13:14 GMT

Hola lovelies. I'm in awesome and amazingly hot Vegas at the moment, but I took the time to check my email and also found out that my theme for The Spark Inside was the first to be posted.

I am posting it here, and I am also going to post it at my website. My theme was falling in love with a best friend and the three things I had to include were: ripped jeans, Where's Waldo, and "Fiesty, aren't we?". I really hope you guys like this. Like any other thing I've written, it took time to grow on me, but I'm very happy with it now, and I hope you guys feel the same.

I have to say a thank you to Kristy and Ivey (which Miss Ivey, I have a story for you about Keno) for being so kind to beta it for me and let me know what they thought of it to help ease my fears. :)

After I get back from Vegas, I'll be focusing on getting the next chapter of Places finished and posted. :) In the meantime, enjoy!

When Maggie Hagen was four, being in love wasn’t even a phrase in her vocabulary. It held no meaning for her. Of course, she loved her parents and her sister and brother and their dog, Ralph, but then again, at four, she loved her pink and purple Big Wheel and her array of My Little Pony’s, believing there was nothing better in the world. At four, her biggest worry was which toy she was going to play with and how to stop her brother from ruining her Barbie Dream House.

At age four, Maggie met Zac Hanson. The first day of summer her older brother, Adam, brought over his newest friend he’d made at his first day of swimming lessons, and that friend was Isaac Hanson, Zac’s older brother. Not wanting to be stuck at home with his other older brother, Taylor, who also found him annoying, a screaming and crying one year old and his parents, Zac begged and pleaded his brother to let him tag along. His parents had already readily agreed to let Zac go because it was one less child in the house, and Isaac fought them every step of the way, only to almost be grounded from going to the Hagen household.

Scowling, Isaac biked as quickly as he could to the Hagen's house with no regard for his younger brother who was desperately trying to keep up, his little legs pedaling as fast they could. After arriving, the three boys wasted no time in wreaking havoc, especially on Maggie, and she flew out the door and down the front steps when she saw them running over the head of her Kid Sister doll with their bikes, laughing as they did so. Anger etched across her small features, Maggie stomped over to them to yank her doll off of the ground, yelling and her chubby pointer finger wagging at the three boys.

As punishment, knowing she didn’t have much control over her brother or Isaac, she grabbed Zac by the hand and forced him to play Barbies with her for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, as they trekked home, Isaac teased Zac endlessly about his new girlfriend, and in typical boy fashion, Zac whined and pouted the entire way, shouting that Maggie was not his girlfriend and that girls had cooties. And while he didn’t care for playing Barbies or Maggie’s bossy attitude, he returned the next day with Isaac, and as soon as he entered the Hagen house, Maggie whisked him off, confining them to the basement where all her toys were stored. This was the routine for the next few weeks before finally Maggie no longer had to force Zac to play with her, and he would freely seek her out as soon as he arrived at the Hagen’s.

In no time, they became regular fixtures at each other’s homes, soon declaring each other their best friend. Even as Isaac and Adam’s friendship fell apart in their teenage years as they made new friends upon entering high school, Zac and Maggie continued their friendship, spending nearly every day they could together, and when Zac and Maggie graduated from high school themselves, they followed one another to the same college, continuing the course of their friendship, knowing they could never be farther than ten minutes apart because surely, neither would be able to function and the world would end. The idea that they were best friends for life had been cemented in the early years of their life, and they believed that nothing could ever change that, that nothing could ever separate them. If only life were that naïve and innocent.

Zac’s interest in the opposite sex emerged at an early age. However, that interest, much to Maggie’s dismay in later years, was never focused on her. They’d never once explored that other side, the side that consisted of heated kisses, roaming hands, and racing hearts unless you counted those years of playing “doctor” as a child, exploring the forbidden. Maggie watched him date girl after girl through their high school and college years, not one relationship ever succeeding, but that’s not to say that they didn’t try. A few came close. She had been there through all the bruised and broken hearts, always wishing he’d give her a chance to have his heart, knowing she’d never abuse it the way other girls did.

She wasn’t sure where along the line of their friendship she had fallen for him. Of course, there had been days of wondering “what if” when it came to taking their friendship one step further, but she figured it was only natural to contemplate such things through her years of puberty when boys were no longer just glue-eating buffoons covered in mud, spending their days playing football or wrestling with one another. Or perhaps it was just because of the pure fact of how close they were and she told herself it was only natural to feel that way towards him with how much time they spent together. Most times, she would quickly write off her thoughts as her just being lonely and desperate and move on, ignoring her thoughts and feelings until they came back around again in one of her moments of desperation and weakness.

Through the years, she did her best in ignoring her feelings, distracting herself with other boys, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that some days her heart ached so bad from wishing Zac would fall in love with her, and as time went on and they grew older and she watched Zac with woman after woman, wishing she could be them, she finally faced the fact that she was, indeed, in love with Zac Hanson, best friend extraordinaire.

There were many listless days and drunken nights where she had almost just blurted it out, but every time, the repercussions and consequences were able to seep into her mind, stopping her before the words verbalized and escaped, potentially ruining their friendship. She wasn't sure if he felt the same, and she couldn't bare to take that chance. However, nineteen years later, and it had finally become too much for her to handle.

Thus, she left not too long after she graduated college, heading off to the West coast. She had told him she needed a change, to get away and experience something other than Tulsa, Oklahoma. In reality, she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t continue to stand by as he dated girl after girl, waiting, wishing, and hoping for her chance. She couldn’t be the one to mend his bruised and broken hearts anymore. It hurt too much, and after nineteen years, she was finally tired of hurting.

Maggie was an analyzer. She analyzed every soft touch, every coy smile, every inflection of his voice, every word that was whispered to her, and no matter how hard she tried not to analyze it all, it didn’t work, and after nineteen years, she was just too tired of it. She was tired of the blood rushing through her veins, the hard pounding of her heart, and the flushing of her cheeks every time he touched her or smiled her way. She was tired of the hope it instilled in her when, really, it all seemed hopeless.

During her time away, they talked on the phone, but she always found a way to cut their conversations short, not being able to bare the hurting of her heart every time she heard his voice. In the three years she’d been gone, she’d only been home five times, one for each Christmas, once for her Memaw’s funeral, and the other for her sister’s wedding. Of those five times, she’d seen Zac twice, always making an excuse so she wouldn’t have to face him and the reality of her feelings for him. It was easier to distance herself and try to forget Zac and everything she felt for him. It was easier than feeling the painful clenching of her heart and stomach every time she heard his voice or saw his face, knowing he didn’t feel the same way she did. She supposed one could say she ran away, and really, she did. She figured the more distance she put between them physically, the easier it would be to distance herself from him emotionally, and though it was a lie, she told herself it was working well. She refused to stay in Tulsa, aching for Zac to love her. Instead, she did it from California.

Now, she was about to make her sixth trip home. The day she had received the invitation in the mail she swore her world had ended, crashing around her feet and shattering to pieces along with her heart.

She wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he had been dating someone, but she had figured it would only last a few months, just as all of his other relationships had. The moment she had dreaded all of her life had finally become a reality, and there was nothing she could do about it. She had missed her chance, and that thought alone made her sick to her stomach. Foolishly, she had let him slip away because she had been too scared to tell him how she felt, and she would live the rest of her life knowing the love of her life was never going to be hers.

And though they had never dated, she had always felt a sense of security in knowing he was never serious with a girl, meaning not engaged or married. At least then, she felt as though she still had a chance to be with him, that by some chance, some day, they would magically realize they felt the same. Now, it was official. He would never be hers; she would never have the chance to love him. She would have to spend the rest of her life watching him love a woman who wasn’t her and regretting the “what if” she’d never explored.

She spent the rest of the week in bed in her pajamas, sleeping the days away and crying the times she was awake. Every call went straight to the machine, and she was certain she’d lost seven pounds in just that short week from all of the crying, sleeping, and not eating. All the hard work she had done in the last three years to erase her feelings for him, to tuck them away, came undone in a matter of minutes. That following Monday, though, she dragged herself out of bed, dropped her RSVP for one in the mail, and went back to work, going on with life as though none of the past week had happened. It was amazing how well she had gotten at lying to herself and pretending her feelings for Zac never existed, and she continued on that path for the next three months before suddenly, she was on a plane to Tulsa.

Maggie arrived at the airport the Wednesday before the wedding. Her sister was the only person who knew what time her flight was scheduled to land, and so she was surprised to see Zac standing there, his wide eyes searching the crowd. His eyes widened even more and he smiled brightly and nervously once he had spotted her exiting the terminal.

Was this really happening? She blinked twice to make sure it was Zac who was really standing before her, a goofy grin gracing his face. Her palms were suddenly slick with sweat, and she felt warm even in her jeans and tank top. She wiped at her upper lip that was lined with a small sheen of sweat, and she slowly approached Zac, doing her best to stall as much as possible, but really, how long could she stall? It was too late now. She was not prepared for this. She had been foolish to think she could do this, to think she could face Zac. This was her test, and she was failing horribly. She suddenly realized she was not as good a liar as she thought she was.

“Oh my God,” he breathed, his arms wrapping around her small body immediately, his stubble scratching against her cheek as he did so and her arms hanging limply at her sides. “I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

“Wh-what are you doing here?” she stuttered out of fear and shock, which he mistook as pleasant disbelief provoked by his surprise appearance.

“Your sister told me. Granted, I had to pester it out of her. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I was going to be the one to pick you up.”

She shrugged, her gaze following to the floor, as she tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. “I figured you’d be busy with wedding stuff.”

“I’m never too busy for you,” he smiled, throwing an arm around her and leading her towards baggage claim.

While Maggie’s mind reeled from the sudden face-to-face with Zac, he talked endlessly about wedding details, what was going on with the band’s music, and how glad he was to have her home the entire time from when they had grabbed her luggage to the time he dropped her off at her parents’ house. Through his rambling, he asked her questions about California, and she did her best to focus and managed to answer his questions half-heartedly, all while trying to control the mini panic attack she was experiencing.

Twenty minutes later and after promising Zac she’d come to his parents’ house the following evening to meet Taryn, the woman of his dreams, she walked up the front steps of her parents’ house. As soon as she entered through the front door, her sister pulled her aside, apologizing profusely and explaining how Zac had gotten the information out of her, truly afraid Maggie was going to pull her hair and kick her in the shins. Maggie waved it off with a flick of her hand; it was too late now to be pissed; the damage was already done. There was nothing she could do now but go through the motions as her heart broke and her stomach twisted in knots as she watched Zac marry someone that wasn’t her.

She spent the rest of the day with her parents and siblings, pretending to be interested in what they were saying and doing when in actuality, the events to come the next day were playing over and over in her mind and she couldn’t stop thinking about how gorgeous Zac looked. She hadn’t thought it was possible, but he looked even better than he had three years ago.

Maggie didn’t get any sleep that night as she tossed and turned in her bed through the late hours, trying to get comfortable and using every tactic she’d ever learned to make herself fall asleep. Yet, none of them worked. She threw up three times that night, twice more the next morning, and once in the afternoon, two hours before she was to go to the Hanson household.

In an attempt to take her mind off of having to meet Taryn, aka Meddling Whore, and twisting knots in her stomach, she had sprawled her body across the couch, watching a Project Runway marathon, and a ring of the doorbell was the only thing to get her off of the couch. She slowly dragged her feet to the front door, and as she opened it, she realized it felt heavier than she remembered. She was surprised to see a red-faced Zac on her parents’ doorstep, tracks of tears still noticeable on his ruddy cheeks.

“Zac…”

He interrupted her, grabbing her arm and pulling her out the door and towards his car. He merely gestured towards the passenger side door, and she got in. Wordlessly, he started the car, backing out of her driveway, and drove aimlessly for the next hour. Maggie never once said anything, waiting for him to talk first, and she simply watched as he silenced his phone every time it rang before finally chucking it out the rolled-down window.

They had since parked in the parking lot of the nearest Walmart when he finally spilled the reason for his sudden appearance on her parents’ doorstep and why he had wordlessly kidnapped her, cutting her off before she almost started to speak.

“She’s cheating on me.”

Maggie gasped, and before she could respond, he spoke again.

“With Isaac.”

Her jaw literally dropped, and despite it all, he almost laughed at her reaction.

“I was supposed to be at the studio until two, but I finished early. So I thought I’d go home and get in a quick shower before going over to my parents’ house. I noticed Ike’s car when I pulled in, but of course, thought nothing of it.” He paused, turning to look out the driver side window, shaking his head back and forth slowly. “I heard them before I even saw them, Mags.”

She watched his jaw clench tightly as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“God, I don’t even hardly remember what happened. They were both mumbling something about being sorry and never meaning to hurt me while they tried to cover themselves up. Fuck that shit. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. Of course, it’s going to fucking hurt me.”

Maggie just nodded, not sure of what to say, thinking it was better to not say anything at all.

“Fuck!” he yelled, gripping the steering wheel in his hands. ”Fuck! God,” he groaned. “I don’t even know what to say. All I can say is fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chanted.

“So what’s going to happen?” she asked quietly.

“Jesus, Maggie, what do you think? The wedding is off. I told her to pack her shit and get the fuck out. Isaac is now sporting a broken nose and a black and blue eye and is no longer my brother as far as I’m concerned.”

“What about the apartment?”

“I’m selling it. I can’t live there after this. I just can’t. So I get to move back home with mommy and daddy for awhile. Yay for me,” he cheered sarcastically. “My life is falling apart,” he muttered.

The two spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in his car in the Walmart parking lot, watching cars come in and out. Neither spoke with the exception of the random “shit’s” and “fuck’s” spewing from Zac’s mouth, and Maggie’s phone vibrated constantly, her parents’ or the Hanson’s number flashing on the screen every time. After five hours, Zac drove her back to her parents’ house only to beg her to stay up with him for the rest of the night, knowing there was no way he could sleep. She agreed, and the two spent the night in the band’s studio. His family knew where he was as they had seen his car parked outside the studio, but they knew enough not to bother him, just glad that Maggie was with him.

Just as was the case in his car, not much was said between them, and as the sun came up, he begged and pleaded for her to stay in Tulsa longer than she planned, claiming he couldn’t handle being alone.

“Gee, thanks,” she remarked. “I’m glad that’s all I’m good for.”

“No, that’s not it,” he backtracked. “You know what I mean. I’ve hardly seen you since you moved. I miss my best friend. Please stay and spend time with me.”

She readily agreed, knowing there was no way she could say no to him, and thus, a five day stay turned into two weeks, in which she spent every day with Zac. Most of it was spent watching movies on his parents’ couch, going out to eat, or listening to Zac claim that he no longer believed in love, convinced that it was merely a delusion and basically, a crock of shit.

And through those two weeks, she realized again how much she enjoyed spending time with Zac and how much she did miss her best friend while she had been gone. Slowly but surely, things returned to normal, hidden feelings and all, and it was almost as if she hadn’t been gone for three years. They quickly picked up where they had left off, joking and teasing and cuddling as they had many years before. Maggie was a little surprised by how easy it had been for them to fall into their old routine, but he was her best friend for a reason, and the last three years had shown her that no matter how little they saw of each other, how little they talked, and how much she tried to distance herself from him, nothing would change that. While it disturbed her because of the feelings she felt for him, it also offered some comfort because Zac was her best friend, first and foremost, and always would be.

A rare occurrence had happened in the Hanson household nights later in which everyone but Zac was out for a family dinner and movie, and Zac and Maggie claimed the empty house all to themselves. The plan of the night was to relive the carefree days of their childhood, escaping the stress of adulthood, and well, reality, but as the night went on, reliving their childhood was proving more stressful than reality and adulthood for Maggie than she had imagined. Throwing the book to the floor, she let out a frustrated growl, eliciting an amused look from the boy next to her.

“Problems?”

“I think wanting to relive part of our childhood was a bad idea. I can’t find Waldo,” she pouted.

Zac huffed a laugh, throwing his arm around her and turning his gaze to the conniving book strewn on the living room floor. Shortly after her arrival, she had spotted Zoe’s Where’s Waldo? book sitting on the coffee table and thought it’d be fun to try it out, having it been years since she had done it.

“It’s just a book, babe. It’s okay,” he empathized, patting her knee gently.

“I could do it when I was a kid. Why can’t I do it as a grown woman? That’s just pathetic.”

Cocking his head to the side in thought, his face scrunched up as he nodded slightly in agreement. “That is pathetic.”

“You’re not supposed to agree with me,” she mumbled, placing her head on his shoulder. “It makes me feel inept.”

“Well, I really can’t argue against that point,” he teased, taking his right hand and sticking his finger inside the hole on the knee of her ripped jeans, caressing the bare, smooth skin underneath.

They sat quietly, both watching as he drew lazy circles and spirals on her bronzed skin, and she did her best to not gasp and shiver from his soft touch. It was driving her crazy, and she tried to keep herself from pushing his hand away from her, wanting him to stop but also wanting nothing more than for him to explore and caress other parts of her body.

“She wasn’t the one for me,” he suddenly whispered, pulling Maggie from her thoughts.

Blinking once, she just kept her head on his shoulder, waiting for him to continue and knew his eyes were still on the hand that continued to graze across her exposed skin.

“She was too high strung. I mean she threw a fit if the pillows on the couch weren’t in the right place. What the fuck was I thinking wanting to spend my life with someone like that? Shit like that would have driven me nuts.”

Maggie shrugged, twisting her hands in her lap. “You loved her,” she simply answered. “You put up with that kind of stuff when you love someone.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I did,” he paused. “But I don’t think I loved her like I thought I did. I think I thought she was something she wasn’t. I forced myself to pretend she wasn’t the way she was because I wanted her to be the one.”

“Why?”

This time it was Zac’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know,” he mumbled. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” she murmured, nudging her head into his neck. “Come on.”

“I just,” he stumbled. “I don’t know. I guess I just thought I’d never find anyone else. That nobody else would love me for me and only for what I do or that nobody would love me like I love them.”

“Well, she obviously didn’t love you like you loved her if she cheated on you.” Maggie’s eyes widened as soon as she realized what she said, letting it slip without thinking before speaking. “I’m sorry,” she blurted, lifting her head immediately to look at him.

“No, it’s okay. It’s the truth. Even I had thoughts of straying,” he admitted.

His last sentence caught her attention, but she decided not to question it any further because she didn’t want to know about the other women that had caught his eye, the women beautiful and great enough to make him think of cheating on his girlfriend of three years because she obviously wasn’t one of them. “There’s a difference between thinking and doing,” she contended.

“I suppose,” he nodded. “I can’t say though that had the opportunity presented itself, I wouldn’t have cheated. I guess that makes me no better.”

A small frown etched its way across her face. Zac was never the cheating type, but she guessed that just showed how wrong he was in thinking he loved Taryn.

“I’m sorry. This is depressing,” he whispered.

“No,” she murmured. “It’s okay. I know you’re upset about it all, and rightfully so.”

“I was, but I’ve been feeling better thanks to you,” he smiled softly. “Come on,” he urged, scooting to the edge of the couch and bending down to pick up the almost forgotten Where’s Waldo? book. “I’ll help you.”

“No,” she pouted.

Zac chuckled at the ridiculousness of how she was acting, pouting and whining like a little kid, as he sat back against the couch, his shoulder brushing hers. “Come on,” he said, opening the book. “Look. It’s Waldo stuck in some type of maze," he spoke as if he was talking to a little child, encouraging her to take the bait.

Sighing, she scanned over the page, taking in the scene, and Zac watched as she scanned the page again, slowly this time so as not to miss an inch.

“Did you find him?” she asked softly, a childlike quality to her tone, resting her head on his shoulder.

Shaking his head at her antics and laughing softly, he nodded. “I did.”

“Geez, you’re fast,” she mumbled. “Can you give me a hint?”

“He’s wearing a hat and glasses,” he smirked.

She turned her head upward, sending a glare his way, and pinched the skin of his arm. “Funny,” she replied dryly.

“I thought so.”

“This one’s really difficult,” she mumbled. “I can’t find him. I give up.”

“What? No. Come on, you can do it.”

“No, this is making me feel really stupid.”

“Ok, he’s somewhere on the bottom half of the page,” Zac encouraged.

“Great. I need hints to even find him.”

Zac watched her with a soft smile on his face and then laughed as she sat up, leaning closer to the book to get a better look.

“I’m pathetic,” she muttered. “Ugh. Seriously. Where the fuck is Waldo?”

“I could give you another hint, but it’ll completely give it away,” he laughed.

“No. I’m going to find this fucker on my own,” she stated, determined, as she pulled the book from his hands and into her own lap.

The two sat in silence as she continued to scan the page, and then Zac smiled brightly as he saw the beginnings of a smile creep across her face, knowing what was coming next.

“I found him,” she stated softly but proudly, smiling as she turned to look at him. “Behind the Icarus wanna-be,” she pointed.

Zac nodded. “Yup. See. I told you you could do it. When are you going to learn to trust me?”

“I quit trusting you the day you convinced me I’d be fine if I stood on one end of the teeter totter while you sat on the other.”

“It was funny though, wasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah,” she snorted, closing the book and placing it on her lap. “Breaking my arm, scraping my face all to hell, and being grounded from seeing you for two weeks was hilarious,” she shot sarcastically.

“Yeah, the not seeing you part sucked.”

“Glad to know you cared about my well being,” she said with a roll of her eye as she tucked her legs underneath her and reached up to pull her hair into a pony tail. Her left wrist was met with resistance as Zac pulled it down to his side.

“Don’t put it up,” he said softly, keeping his hold on her wrist as he looked at her.

And there they were…the swarming butterflies and the fluttering heart…her attempts to rid herself of such reactions when it came to Zac crumbled in a matter of seconds. These were the moments she hated. These were the moments she’d left to escape.

Maggie nodded dumbly, releasing her hair from her other hand as she stared back at Zac. She watched as his gaze flickered over her face, tracing over her features, before he seemed to break from his trance and released her wrist from his grasp, grabbing the Where’s Waldo? book from her lap.

“Let’s do another one,” he suggested, gesturing towards the book in his hands.

“No,” she protested. “I’m done with Waldo.”

“Okay,” he chuckled, setting the book back on the coffee table. “What else would you like to do to continue reliving your childhood?”

“Slumber party? she suggested, her eyebrows rising in hope.

“You want to go to bed? You’re no fun.”

“I’m tired,” she yawned. “It’s been a long day. Plus, Waldo wore me out.”

“How can you even be tired? We didn’t do anything today. Pathetic.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, dropping her head against the back of the couch and closing her eyes.

“I got an idea,” he announced, interrupting her attempt at a few minutes of peace.

“Hmm,” she hummed, too tired to actually speak and turning her head to look at him.

“Remember when we used to play Doctor?” he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I am not playing Doctor with you.”

“Oh come on, it’s not like we haven’t seen it all before.”

“That was back when we had nothing to see and before we realized our bits were for more than peeing.”

“Don’t you want to see what you’ve been missing out on all these years?”

“Stop it. You’re grossing me out.”

“I’ll just have to get you drunk,” he teased.

“Ah, that’s right. I forgot; that’s the only way you can get any play. By taking advantage of intoxicated girls.”

“You would know,” he countered.

“Ha, right. I can proudly say that I was never subjected to a drunken Zac trying to grope me and get me to make out with him.”

“Well, that’s just too bad. We’ll have to change that. How about tonight?” he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows again.

“Is that supposed to turn me on somehow?” she questioned, referencing his dancing eyebrows. “And how about no? I don’t feel like having to pretend that I’m enjoying what you’re doing to me and then faking an orgasm.”

“Ouch,” he groaned, grabbing at his heart. “Way to kick a broken man when he’s down.”

“It’s my specialty,” she grinned.

Maggie knew she was probably being a little harsh in her joking, but it was an odd thing. While she wanted Zac to know how she felt about him, she didn’t. If she thought he even had a clue of her feelings for him, she made sure to act in a way that would negate his assumptions. She would go out of her way to prove to him she didn’t like him, so deeply convinced that he didn't feel the same about her and never would. Even she didn’t understand the schizophrenia of it all.

“Well, what do you say to popcorn and a movie?”

She nodded. “Sounds good, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll stay awake for the entire thing.”

“Fine by me,” he responded, pushing himself off of the couch before holding out his hand to pull her to her feet.

He kept her small hand wrapped in his strong and comforting grasp as he led the way to the dark kitchen only lit by a night light plugged in near the stove, Maggie dragging her feet behind him. Laughing, Zac shoved her towards the fridge, instructing her to get some drinks, as he retrieved a bag of popcorn from the cupboard. Placing the bottles of water on the counter, she grabbed a bowl, listening as Zac hummed, setting the timer on the microwave. Turning around, he approached her from behind, his hands taking advantage of the fact that her tank top had ridden up as she reached for a bowl, tickling the exposed skin of her stomach.

“Stop it,” she squealed, swatting at his hands as she laughed, lowering back to her feet and turning around to face him.

“I can’t help it. You’re so hot,” he grinned, his voice low, as his eyes roamed over her body and he placed a hand on either side of her, pinning her between his broad body and the counter.

“Feisty, aren’t we?”

He simply smirked, raising an eyebrow, and nodded in response.

“You need to get laid,” she finally retorted as she placed the bowl between them, trying to create space between their bodies.

“Care to volunteer?” he asked, taking the bowl from her hands and setting it on the counter behind her. “You won’t have to fake an orgasm. I promise.”

“Stop it, you dork,” she said, rolling her eyes playfully and pushing him away from her to give her enough space to escape. Her cheeks were warm, and she could feel the heat radiating from his body, making her knees weak and it all too much for her to handle. He smelled like boy and comfort, a dangerous combination, and it took all the will power she had not to crumble to pieces and curl up into his body and warmth, begging and pleading for him to just kiss her the way she wanted him to - with a hint of passion, a taste of promise, and a flavor of comfort.

“Awww, Mags, you’re blushing,” he teased, reaching for her arm as she attempted to walk past him and pulling her back into his embrace.

“Stoooop,” she groaned as he squeezed her body to his, shoving her face into his shoulder.

“Shut up. You love this,” he grinned.

“Think what you will.”

The two stood in silence as Zac rocked them back and forth, holding her tightly.

“I’ve missed you, you know” he confessed softly, breaking the silence.

“I know. Me too,” she whispered into his neck, her soft breath warming his skin.

“Tell me again why you moved to California.”

“Because I have a good job there.”

“But I miss this. That should be enough for you.”

“Well, then, you move to California.”

“I asked you first.”

“Not really. You could come to visit, you know,” she teased.

“I do!” he urged. “You always claim to be busy when we’re in California.”

She swallowed hard. “Because I am.”

“You should be able to make time for your best friend. You hardly even come home anymore,” he pouted.

Even though Maggie knew he wasn’t trying to upset her, his words hurt. She knew her body was ready to go into defense mode, and she did her best to bite her tongue from replying in frustration. She hadn't come over to fight with him, and if they did fight, she was afraid her true feelings would bubble to the surface, spewing out in frustration before she would have the chance to stop them. And once they were said, she couldn't take them back.

“Yes, I am a pathetic excuse for a best friend. I know. I’ve come to terms with that.”

“No,” he chuckled. “You’re not. I understand. I, out of all people, should understand. It just sucks having you so far away.”

“I know,” she whispered.

“I do miss cuddling with you on the couch and watching movies or hugging you whenever I feel like it,” he murmured into her hair, sending chills through her body.

“Yeah,” she breathed, feeling his hands smooth up and down her back in a comforting motion.

“Don’t you miss cuddling me?” he teased, swaying her in his arms.

“Shut up,” she grumbled, and just from the tone of her voice, Zac knew a pout was etched across her face.

He chuckled, and pulling away slightly, he cupped her face in his hands and drooped forward to place a kiss on her forehead. He let his soft lips linger and then pulled back, smiling down at her as his eyes roamed over her.

“Your hair is getting long again,” he murmured, running his hands through her waves.

“So is yours,” she smirked, tugging on the hands of his shag.

Reaching up to rub his head, he pouted and whimpered an “ouch”.

“Baby,” she taunted.

“Kiss it and make it better,” he demanded, sticking his mass of hair in her face, tickling her nose.

“No,” she giggled, pushing his head away from her face. “That’s your job.”

He laughed heartily, memories flooding his mind. “I remember those times when you’d come running to me when you got hurt and make me kiss it to make it better. I miss those times.”

“You miss kissing my disgusting scrapes?” she questioned, wrinkling her nose.

“No,” he laughed, squeezing her in his arms. “I miss when you’d come to me to make things better, when you depended on me to make you feel better and feel safe.”

“I still depend on you to do those things.”

“No,” he said quietly with a shake of his head. “You’re too far away for me to do that now. That’s what hurts the most some days, knowing I’m not the one that’s there to hold you when you’re having a bad day or an end-of-the-world crisis.”

“You haven’t been replaced if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“How do I know that?” he questioned, hurt evident in his voice, as he pulled away. “We never talk anymore. We hardly see each other. I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Zac,” she stated softly, watching him with sad eyes and placing a gentle hand on his arm as he turned away from her. “You’ll always be my best friend. You always have been, and nothing will ever change that.”

“I know you like California, but did you really have to go all the way there to find happiness?” he turned to her, searching her eyes with wide ones. “Why isn’t Tulsa enough? Why am I not enough?”

She considered her decision to leave Tulsa a selfish one, and she had always known he felt the same way, though he had never voiced it until now. She wanted to tell him that her move to California had nothing to do with him, but in reality, it had everything to do with him.

“We’ve been over this, Zac,” she reminded. “I needed to get out of here. There’s more to life than Tulsa.”

“Tulsa is me, Mags, and when you left Tulsa, I felt like you were leaving me,” he stated quietly, wrapping his arms around her once again.

“You know that’s not true,” she lied, looking up at him in the darkness.

“Do I?” he challenged gently.

She’ll never know what came over her that night in that moment, but she swallowed hard as Zac’s hands roamed her back in a soothing motion as he stared down at her, hurt and surprisingly, remorse in his eyes. And the way he was touching her, caressing her skin so softly that she lost all sense of logic and rationale. And then his hands were cupping the sides of her face, his thumbs rubbing across the flushed and warm apples of her cheeks.

The pounding heart, the blood rushing through her veins, the flushing of her cheeks…it had all returned, and this was her opportunity to stop it once and for all. Once he told her he didn’t feel the same, she could fully and truly move on, knowing the truth. She’d have no other choice because she couldn’t make him love her and she refused to spend the rest of her life suffering from unrequited love.

But maybe, just maybe…

“Zac,” she breathed.

“Hmm,” he hummed in response, brushing her hair out of her eyes, following the trail of his hand.

“I need you to kiss something and make it better,” she whispered so quietly he almost didn’t hear it.

She watched his eyes lower and meet hers in the darkness, and she shivered as they glistened with a sudden seriousness and a look she’d never seen before behind them.

“Yeah?” he breathed.

She nodded, reaching down to grasp his hand and bringing it to rest on her breast, over her heart, as she placed her hand over his, and her breathing increased just from the proximity of his hand and her sudden courage.

“Your boob hurts?” he whispered, missing the absurdity of his question, too caught up by the look in her eyes.

“No,” she laughed softly, a small smile gracing her face and crinkling the corners of her eyes. “No. I have a broken heart.”

“Oh,” he whispered, his gaze dropping to their hands. “Who broke it?”

“Just a boy,” she murmured.

“What’d he do?”

She was silent for a moment, her gaze shifting to her feet and back up to his eyes, before she spoke. “He doesn’t love me like I love him.”

“No?”

“No,” she breathed, shaking her head slightly, watching him.

His hand slipped out from under hers, reaching down to grip her hip, and she watched his head dip low. Her breathing was harsh as she tried to suck in enough air for her constricting lungs, and her chest was heaving with weighted breaths as his lips finally kissed over her heart, his lips caressing a sliver of smooth skin exposed by her low tank top. His lips stilled, his shallow breath warming her skin, and soon they moved an inch higher, kissing nothing but exposed skin below her shoulder. His other hand came to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer, and she reached up to grip his shoulders, biting her bottom lip, as his lips ghosted over her collarbone, not kissing, simply gliding. Her head dropped back, offering him more smooth skin, as his lips lingered over her neck, his warm breath causing her to shiver.

“Does anything else hurt?” he whispered across her skin, his voice low and husky.

She swallowed hard and nodded slightly, pointing to the side of her neck. “Here,” she murmured, and Zac placed a searing kiss to her skin, kissing a trail to below her ear where he sucked lightly as she sucked in a breath of air.

“And here,” she breathed, touching her cheek.

He kissed her cheek, nudged his nose against hers gently as he moved his head to the other side to kiss her other cheek, and then kissed the tip of her nose. Pulling away, he lowered his head slightly, and his lips finally hovered above her own.

“Anywhere else?” he whispered with heavy-lidded eyes as he watched her, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke.

She whimpered softly before breathing a “yes”.

“Here?” he questioned, bringing a few of his fingers to rest on her mouth.

She nodded, raising her eyes to meet his gaze, and she stood completely still, her heart beating so hard in her chest she thought it would burst right through it. “Yeah,” he nodded in return, distracted, as his fingers caressed her bottom lip. “Yeah,” he echoed again.

His eyes followed the path of his fingers as they trailed down her neck and between the valley of her breasts before they came to rest on her hip as he pulled her body closer. His gaze fluttered from her mouth to her eyes and back to her mouth. “Despite what you think, I do love you like you love me,” he whispered before his lips captured hers in a soft kiss, her gasps her only response. “I have for quite some time,” he breathed against her mouth before kissing her again, coaxing her supple lips to move with his.

Her eyes widened in surprise before they fluttered close as his lips nibbled at hers, and she returned the kiss just in time before he moved away, concerned that she wasn’t responding at first, welcoming the feel of his lips upon hers and his body pressed against hers.

Tears welled behind her closed eyes as she realized just exactly what was happening. The boy she had loved since before she even knew what love was had admitted he loved her too and had her wrapped in his arms, kissing her in a way that was better than she had ever imagined, and she had to pull away from Zac’s lips because suddenly she had forgotten how to breathe.

“I thought you didn’t believe in love anymore,” she gasped against his lips.

“You’re the exception. You’ve always been the exception.” He paused a moment, brushing his lips against hers. “Ever since you first fell off your bike when you were four years old and came crying to me to kiss it to make it better, God, I knew. I knew I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to be the one to always kiss it and make it better.”

Maggie sucked in a breath, her heart clenching in a good way, and she choked on a small sob that was stuck in her throat, closing her eyes and a few tears escaping and streaming their way down her face.

“I’ve just been waiting for you to tell me that you wanted me to be that person too,” he admitted softly. “Truthfully, the day I found Taryn and Isaac, I’d never been happier to have been cheated on. They prevented me from making the biggest mistake of my life. She was only a replacement for you, to help me get over you because I never thought you’d feel the same way.”

“You picked her to replace me?” she whispered, smiling softly.

“I know,” he laughed. “But when you left for California, it damn near killed me. I was desperate.”

A steady stream of tears slipped from her eyes upon hearing his words, and Zac brushed his thumbs across her cheeks, rubbing the salty wetness into her skin.

“I’ve always known I love you. I’ve always just been so scared to tell you, and when you left, I realized how stupid I’d been not to tell you.”

“I know,” she whispered, interrupting him. “God, I know,” she repeated.

“And then Taryn happened, and I was just in too deep. Having to send you that invitation in the mail was the worst day of my life, and God, when I saw you at the airport, I couldn’t breathe,” he whispered, cupping her face in his hands, her hands reaching up to grip his. “I knew I had to make a choice; I knew I had to tell you how I felt all these years, and Taryn cheating made it that much easier for me to tell her that the wedding was off.”

Maggie let a sob escape this time and tightened her grip on his hands, squeezing them once, and he smiled tenderly, tears welling in his own eyes.

“You sent my world into a tailspin the moment you dragged me away to play Barbies with you, and in the words of Chris Carrabba, my heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer,” he spoke, reciting one of her favorite Dashboard Confessional songs and cracking a small smile.

Rolling her eyes, she gave him a slight shove as she wiped at her eyes, laughing lightly. “That was so corny. Oh my God.”

“I’m serious,’ he said, his voice low, grabbing her gently. “It’s yours. For as long as you want it.”

“Well, then,” she breathed, looking up at him. “I’ll take it.”

“Yeah?” he smiled, leaning down to brush his nose against hers before kissing her softly.

“Yeah,” she echoed, pressing her lips to his.

She wasted no time in responding this time, smoothing her hands up the front of his chest and looping them around his neck, pulling him closer to her. His full lips brushed against hers gently, teasing her, before they crashed against hers, slowly increasing the pressure, and their lips moved together, learning every crevice and bump, as his hands roamed over her sides. She gasped when she felt his tongue caress her bottom lip, and her bottom lip trembled slightly as she opened her mouth for him, unable to keep back a moan which only seemed to fuel Zac further as he grabbed a handful of her long hair, fisting it in his grasp.

Walking her backwards, he pushed her up against the counter, one hand gripping it and the other gripping her hip. She sucked on his bottom lip, and groaning low in his throat, he pressed the weight of his body into hers. “God, Mags,” he whispered before pressing his lips against hers again, his hands slipping under the thin material of her tank top to caress the soft skin of her stomach.

She moaned into his mouth, gripping the soft material of his shirt in her hands. It was almost too much for her - his lips on hers, his hands gliding over her body, his ragged and uneven breathing - but she wanted it to last forever. He tore his lips from hers, his mouth trailing over her jaw line and down her neck to her collarbone where he bit her lightly. Maggie’s hands dove into his hair, tugging on the ends, as his smooth lips attacked the soft skin of her neck, and she sighed a whimper when she felt his tongue swipe across her heated skin.

Placing his hands on the small of her back, Zac pulled her body forward, pressing her small body into his even though he was already pressed up against her, and his lips kissed a trail back to her awaiting and open mouth that was desperately trying to suck down air, her lungs fighting to take in as much air as they could. A moan rumbled from the back of his throat, the sound muffled by her mouth on his, as she licked at his bottom lip and her hands slipped under the hem of his t-shirt, caressing the bronzed skin of his back just above his sweatpants. A few of his fingers dipped below the waistband of the back of her jeans, stroking the smooth skin, and she gasped, biting down on his bottom lip causing him to push his hips into hers.

“God,” she breathed against his mouth, her hands coming around to the front of his jeans, playing with the button and her tongue licking at his bottom lip, soothing her bite from earlier and sending a shudder through his body.

“I know,” he chuckled, breathlessly, breaking their kiss and putting an end to their heated make-out session. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he smiled, resting his forehead against hers.

“What? Practically molest me in your kitchen?” she teased, her chest heaving as she tried to even her breathing.

“Yeah,” he laughed softly.

“Well, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to do that.”

“Ever since Ryan’s party in 4th grade where you came crying to me when Josh tried to kiss you, sticking his tongue down your throat, and you thought he was trying to suffocate you to death,” he smirked, winking at her.

“You fucker,” she laughed, pushing him away from her. “I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“Nope,” he grinned.

Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, she walked over to the microwave. “I think it’s safe to say the popcorn is done,” she laughed, pulling the bag out and ripping it open.

She walked back to where he stood near the counter, still calming himself, and handed him the bag to dump into a bowl as she picked up the temporarily forgotten drinks, heading towards the living room.

“Soooooo,” he started, turning to look at her with a hopeful expression on his face as he made his way to where she stood in the entry way waiting for him. “Do you want to play Doctor now?” he grinned.

The Spark Inside

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 21:38:21 GMT

So my piece for The Spark Inside is due the 1st of July, and I've been spending the last few days trying to finish and revise it. :) Since I'm close, I decided to post just a little of the beginning. Right now it's about 7000 words, and it still has a little ways to go. It may end up being a bit more or less after editing.

Brittney is going to post the stories by theme, a theme a day. So I'm not sure when the full piece will be posted, but once it's posted on there, it'll be posted in its entirety at my site as well. My theme was best friends falling in love, and I had to include three things, but you don't get to read about those yet because they don't show up until later in the story. :) But I had to include ripped jeans, "Fiesty, aren't we?", and Where's Waldo? Let me tell you, I had fun coming up with ways to fit them in. :) I really enjoyed writing this piece even though sometimes I wanted to strangle it. hah

Anywho, here's a little bit of it, and I must admit, what I've posted isn't too terribly exciting but it's something. I'd love to post it all right away, but of course I can't do that just yet. As for a title, I have a few running through my head, but I have yet to decide on one. But enjoy the little snippet, my dears!

When Maggie Hagen was four, being in love wasn’t even a phrase in her vocabulary. It held no meaning for her. Of course, she loved her parents and her sister and brother, but then again, at four, she loved her pink and purple Big Wheel and her array of My Little Pony’s, believing there was nothing better in the word. At four, her biggest worry was which toy she was going to play with and how to stop her brother from ruining her Barbie Dream House.

At age four, Maggie met Zac Hanson. The first day of summer her older brother, Adam, brought over his newest friend he’d made at his first day of swimming lessons, and that friend was Isaac Hanson, Zac’s older brother. Not wanting to be stuck at home with his other older brother, Taylor, who also found him annoying, a screaming and crying one year old and his parents, Zac begged and pleaded his brother to let him tag along. His parents had already readily agreed to let Zac go because it was one less child in the house, and Isaac fought them every step of the way, only to almost be grounded from going to the Hagen household.

Scowling, Isaac biked as quickly as he could to the Hagen's house with no regard for his younger brother who was desperately trying to keep up, his little legs pedaling as fast they could. After arriving, the three boys wasted no time in wreaking havoc, especially on Maggie, and she flew out the door and down the front steps when she saw them running over the head of her Kid Sister doll with their bikes, laughing as they did so. Anger etched across her small features, Maggie stomped over to them to yank her doll off of the ground, yelling and her chubby pointer finger wagging at the three boys.

As punishment, knowing she didn’t have much control over her brother or Isaac, she grabbed Zac by the hand and forced him to play Barbies with her for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, as they trekked home, Isaac teased Zac endlessly about his new girlfriend, and in typical boy fashion, Zac whined and pouted the entire way, shouting that Maggie was not his girlfriend and that girls had cooties. And while he didn’t care for playing Barbies or Maggie’s bossy attitude, he returned the next day with Isaac, and as soon as he entered the Hagen house, Maggie whisked him off, confining them to the basement where all her toys were stored. This was the routine for the next few weeks before finally Maggie no longer had to force Zac to play with her, and he would freely seek her out as soon as he arrived at the Hagen’s.

In no time, they became regular fixtures at each other’s homes, soon declaring each other their best friend. Even as Isaac and Adam’s friendship fell apart in their teenage years as they made new friends upon entering high school, Zac and Maggie continued their friendship, spending nearly every day they could together, and when Zac and Maggie graduated from high school themselves, they followed one another to the same college, continuing the course of their friendship, knowing they could never be farther than ten minutes apart because surely, neither would be able to function and the world would end. The idea that they were best friends for life had been cemented in the early years of their life, and they believed that nothing could ever change that, that nothing could ever separate them. If only life were that naïve and innocent.

Zac’s interest in the opposite sex emerged at an early age. However, that interest, much to Maggie’s dismay in later years, was never focused on her. They’d never once explored that other side, the side that consisted of heated kisses, roaming hands, and racing hearts unless you counted those years of playing “doctor” as a child, exploring the forbidden. Maggie watched him date girl after girl through their high school and college years, not one relationship ever succeeding, but that’s not to say that they didn’t try. A few came close. She had been there through all the bruised and broken hearts, always wishing he’d give her a chance to have his heart, knowing she’d never abuse it the way other girls did.

She wasn’t sure where along the line of their friendship she had fallen for him. Of course, there had been days of wondering “what if” when it came to taking their friendship one step further, but she figured it was only natural to contemplate such things through her years of puberty when boys were no longer just glue-eating buffoons covered in mud, spending their days playing football or wrestling with one another. Or perhaps it was just because of the pure fact of how close they were and she told herself it was only natural to feel that way towards him with how much time they spent together. Most times, she would quickly write off her thoughts as her just being lonely and desperate and move on, ignoring her thoughts and feelings until they came back around again in one of her moments of desperation and weakness.

Through the years, she did her best in ignoring her feelings, distracting herself with other boys, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that some days her heart ached so bad from wishing Zac would fall in love with her, and as time went on and they grew older and she watched Zac with woman after woman, wishing she could be them, she finally faced the fact that she was, indeed, in love with Zac Hanson, best friend extraordinaire.

There were many listless days and drunken nights where she had almost just blurted it out, but every time, the repercussions and consequences were able to seep into her mind, stopping her before the words verbalized and escaped, potentially ruining their friendship. However, nineteen years later, and it had finally become too much for her to handle.

Thus, she left not too long after she graduated college, heading off to the West coast. She had told him she needed a change, to get away and experience something other than Tulsa, Oklahoma. In reality, she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t continue to stand by as he dated girl after girl, waiting, wishing, and hoping for her chance. She couldn’t be the one to mend his bruised and broken hearts anymore. It hurt too much, and after nineteen years, she was finally tired of hurting.

Maggie was an analyzer. She analyzed every soft touch, every coy smile, every inflection of his voice, every word that was whispered to her, and no matter how hard she tried not to analyze it all, it didn’t work, and after nineteen years, she was just too tired of it. She was tired of the blood rushing through her veins, the hard pounding of her heart, and the flushing of her cheeks every time he touched her or smiled at her. She was tired of the hope it instilled in her when, really, it all seemed hopeless.

During her time away, they talked on the phone, but she always found a way to cut their conversations short, not being able to bear the hurting of her heart every time she heard his voice. In the three years she’d been gone, she’d only been home five times, one for each Christmas, once for her Memaw’s funeral, and the other for her sister’s wedding. Of those five times, she’d seen Zac twice, always making an excuse so she wouldn’t have to face him and the reality of her feelings for him. It was easier to distance herself and try to forget Zac and everything she felt for him. It was easier than feeling the clenching of her heart and stomach every time she heard his voice or saw his face, knowing he didn’t feel the same way she did. She supposed one could say she ran away, and really, she did. She figured the more distance she put between them physically, the easier it would be to distance herself from him emotionally.

Now, she was about to make her sixth trip home.

Update

Mon, 07 May 2007 00:52:06 GMT

This may not be the update you necessarily want, hah, but I've been working on a new story in the last few months. I was waiting though to give you guys a sneak peek until I got my website, This Modern Romance, set up. This last weekend, I spent the time working on the webspace for my new story, Back to You, over at my website, and it's all set to go. I posted some character pictures, a couple songs to the soundtrack and a sneak peek of the first chapter because well, it's not totally finished. lol That's just how I roll. So if you're interested, check it out. :) I hope you like it!

Back to You

And in other news, I have been working on the next chapter of The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most over the last few days. So hopefully soon! Keep your fingers crossed.

New Website

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 10:29:56 GMT

Hi, my loves! I'm still alive. :) Good thing, right? Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well! I'm sure the school year is starting to come to end for most (myself included...yay for graduation!!! Kinda. lol), and I'm sure ya'll are living the hectic life, like myself. Fun, isn't? But just think; it's almost over. Yay again!

Sorry. Forgive me. It's 5:30am here. I've no idea why I'm still up. Well, actually, I do. I've been hard at work on my new site, and guess what? It is all finally up and running. I'm super psyched right about now because that was a project and a half, and I'm exhausted.

Anyway, that's my/our new home. :) I'm still going to keep this LJ though. I'll post here when I update at the site with a new chapter. I may even post the chapters here and at the site for a little while and then switch over to just the site. We'll see how things go. Even I'm weary of change...no matter how small. lol

But I'm also keeping the LJ so you all can comment here if you wish. As new chapters of Places come, there will be a link at the bottom of each chapter to bring you back to LJ if you wish to comment here. Or there is a guestbook at the site for you to comment in as well, and I can reply at the guestbook. Which was something I was very happy about.

No new chapter of Places yet, but I'm sure that's no surprise to you. I suck; I'm sorry. The update over at the site talks a little bit about it.

Anyway, go check it out! Bookmark it. I hope you guys like it. :) Love and miss you all! And good luck with the end of the school year and all your projects and finals!

...thismodernromance

News

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:17:49 GMT

All right, first off, I've been nominated over at Feel What I Dream Awards in the following categories:

Best Comedic Author
Best Author Overall
Best Couple : Jolyn and Zac
Best Main Character : Jolyn
Best Zac
Best Drama
Best Unfinished

Very exciting, yes! So thank you to whoever nominated me! I was quite excited to see that. :) Voting starts April 8th, and so if you feel inclined to vote, there are some amazing stories nominated.

Secondly, after talking to some fellow hanfic writers and friends, I've decided that I think I'm going to try my hand at my own website. Becca has offered me my own subdomain, and so we're going to see how well I do with that. I'll still have this LJ though, and I'll make a post when I update. :) So don't worry.

Anyway, I now face the dilemma of coming up with a name...so it'll be...http://MYNAME.break-my-fall.org...this is where I would love your help. I did some searching through lyrics, and under the cut is a list of ideas. Your input on which you like best or any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.

-apenandamuse (one of my faves)
-wordscouldexplain
-underthecover
-shadeofpink
-deconstructingthoughts
-thismodernromance (also a fave)
-alastingimpression
-somesacredplace
-cozylittlecorner
-thedreamersdisease
-typicalprototype
-frompoetrytoprose
-kristin

Never fear; I am working on the next chapter of Zolyn. :) I'm hoping to have it finished sometime this month. lol After next week, things should slow down quite a bit for me school-wise, and graduation will be here before I know it. So I'll have even more time if I don't have a job right away. lol

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 03:38:14 GMT

Hi, my dears. How are you all doing? Lovely, I hope! And I hope you all are getting some of the gorgeous weather we had in the beginning of the week. Spring is on its way, and it's beautiful. I, for one, am quite excited.

Sadly, I have no update. I know; I suck. I'm working on it. I promise. :) However, I wanted to let you guys know that over at JSOR (Just Shy of Reality) they are doing a new thing that's called "Author Spotlight". Every month or few weeks, whatever it is, they spotlight a Hanfic author, and I'm the first one. :) So Brittney and Becca came up with a list of questions for me to answer about my writing and what not. That is now posted, and others are welcome to ask me whatever questions they wish. If it's something you feel like checking out, I highly recommend it, and I highly recommend joining the board. We have a good time over there, and if you join, take the time to nominate some other amazing authors for the spotlight. :)

Also, I've been giving more and more thought to switching over to an actual website. I have a few other stories in the works, and I just keeping about all the things I could do with an actual website. I would able to add a "Coming Soon" section and what not and give you some sneak previews of the stories I've been working on besides The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most and the sequel. I just feel like it would get too cluttered around here. I know long ago Kristy offered to host me, and I'm hoping that offer is still open if I choose to take it. :)

The only issue I have with that is that one, I'm not html savy. At all. Second, I most likely wouldn't be able to respond to the feedback you guys leave, and that's something I really love doing here.

So I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on that. I would really like to know what you guys think. It's important to me, and so any input or suggestions are greatly appreciated. :)

The Ugly Truth Awards

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 05:43:45 GMT

I would have done this sooner, but I've been busy with exams, and then I got sick. Ewww! So I figured I do a little post before my Nyquil really takes me over.

Voting on The Ugly Truth Awards closed the other day, and thanks to all who voted for me, I placed in every category I was in. So yay!!!

I won first place for Best Opening Scene and Best Friend (Sophia) and runner-up in Best Zac, Best Laugh Out Loud Moment (Chapter 7), Character You Most Relate To (Jolyn), aand Not Updated Enough But Should Be.

So I have to say a big thank you to those who voted for me and to Miss Kristy (zorianna) for nominating me. Thank you, lovelies, for everything! It means the world to me. :)

List of winners can be found here.

Awards will be added to the profile page when they're finished, and be on the look out for an update sometime within the next few weeks, hopefully.

A quick word...

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 08:09:38 GMT

Hola, lovelies! Just wanted to drop in and let you know I'm still alive. Good thing. Good thing. Yes.

Anyway, story is still going. blah. blah. blah. Not sure when the next update will be. I have a couple of exams and papers within the next two weeks. So getting caught up on all of that is my first priority even though all I want to do is write. Why does it always work out that way?

Once all that has cleared, I'm going to start up on the next chapter. It's probably about half way finished. The rest involves thinking about the rest of the story on my part, and I've just been too lazy to figure all that out in the past month. Sooooo, like I said, once everything is cleared with exams, I'll start on that. I would like to have an update out before spring break (starts March 10th for me), but I can't guarantee anything.

If that doesn't happen, come spring break, I'll be writing and trying to get an update out for you guys. I'm broke, and so I'm going nowhere fun for break. I'll just be chilling around here. I know it seems like a long ways until an update, but trust me, spring break will be here before you know it. :)

Anyone else excited for the new album? Took me a bit, but I won't get into that. :P

Thanks dears for understanding and sticking with me! Love you all. Stay safe, and have a happy Valentine's day!

Chapter Twenty-Two

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 05:53:04 GMT

Oh my god!

Holy crap! It's been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long since I last updated. I can't believe it. Just wow. I really must apologize about that. I finally finished the next chapter. It took me a bit of time, but I finally did. I had planned to include more, but then split the chapter so that I could finish it faster and so that it wouldn't be so long. But then my mind had other plans, and I ended up adding some other scenes (which I love! So I'm glad my mind thought of them lol), and it ended up being a long chapter and taking me longer to finish anyway.

Whatever. Okay, there's quite a bit Zac/Jolyn interaction in this chapter because well, it'll be in short supply in the next few chapters probably, but you'll find out why in this chapter. And you'll find out another reason why in the next chapter. The bonus of me splitting the chapter means the next chapter has been started. There's still quite a bit to add, but at least I won't be starting from scratch, and hopefully, I can finish it soon.

This chapter isn't the most exciting, and I apologize. I think it's partly because it's been so long since I've written Jolyn and Zac that I need to get back into the groove. It's certainly not my best writing, and I feel as though it's all over the place. So just hang in there with me. :) I hope you enjoy it regardless.

In other news, my story has been nominated over at The Ugly Truth Awards hosted by the wonderful Heather and Kristy. I have a feeling Kristy (zorianna) is to thank for that. So Kristy, thank you! If it wasn't Kristy, whoever you are, thank you! The story has been nominated in six categories.

Best Opening Scene
Best Laugh Out Loud Moment - Chapter Seven (which I'm assuming it's referring to the part where we first meet drunken Taylor hah)
Best Zac
Best Friend - Sophia
Character You Most Relate To - Jolyn
Not Updated Enough But Should Be (I think this one is trying to tell me something. lol For some reason, I knew that if I was nominated, it would be in this category. I wonder why....)

Voting is scheduled to start Jan. 14th, but I know there has been talks of pushing it back some if they don't get more nominations. Anywho, if you want to go vote when the time comes, that's cool. If not, more power to ya! :)

Lastly, some of you already know about this, but I've joined the 100hanson community. It's a drabble community. If you don't know what a drabble is, it's a piece of writing that is exactly 100 words. So the challenge is to write a 100 drabbles based on a 100 different themes. I've only done two so far. I'm not sure if I'm going to take the challenge of trying to do all 100. We know how I am when it comes to commitments and finishing things. Anyway, I've included the two drabbles I've done in this post.

Title: Tainted
Rating: PG
Word Count: 100
Challenge: (if applicable) 044: Perfect
Character/Pairing: Zac
Warnings: (if applicable) None
Author Notes: (if applicable) Eh?

Everything about his lips is pure perfection. The shape, the silky texture, the delicious taste. The frenzy they create in my heart with just a murmur of love. His lips beckon me through the day, echoing my name, urging me to scratch my itch.

Curled on the couch, my perfection stands before me. I smile brightly, anticipating and waiting for those perfect lips to curl into a smile mirroring my own.

“I don’t love you anymore,” he states stoically, poison spewing from perfection, tainting it and leaving behind a foul taste.

Everything about his lips used to be pure perfection.

Title: Deception
Rating: R
Word Count: 100
Challenge: (if applicable) Bruised
Character/Pairing: Zac
Warnings: (if applicable) Swearing, Sexual situation (implied)
Author Notes: (if applicable) My first drabble ever. Woo!

“Why’d you fucking do it?!” she screamed, picking up the cordless phone next to her and hurling it at the wall.

They both watched as it shattered to pieces on the hard wooden floor. The wooden floor they had both immediately fallen in love with when they had first toured the apartment. The hard wooden floor that had burned and colored her skin with delicate bruises and scratches as he thrust inside her, murmuring that he would always love her.

The bruises on her skin had faded with time; this bruise he was leaving on her heart would stay forever.

*This chapter is split into two posts because LJ told me the entry was too long. Uh, is that a good thing? Even with all of my babbling deleted, it was still too long. Goodness. So I included a link at the end to take you to the second part. :)

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Where are you?”

Jolyn laughed into the phone, continuing her trek down the street, being careful not to slip on any ice that may have been hidden underneath the blanket of snow. “I’m almost there. Quit freaking out because I’m walking in the dark by myself.”

Even though it was a Sunday and she had class the following morning, tonight was Isaac’s birthday party that Zac invited her to the night before while on their date, and she had readily agreed to attend. The trek from her dorm to Zac’s apartment took only a matter of twenty minutes, but yet, Zac continued to call her every few minutes, wondering where she was and making sure she was okay.

“I’m not freaking out. I’m just wondering where you are. I’m bored,” whined the voice on the other end.

“How can you be bored? There are tons of people there.”

“None of whom are you, and you are the only one I want to be with right now.”

Trying to fight the smile creeping across her face, she couldn’t deny the fluttering in her stomach, and Zac knew it.

“Don’t deny the smile,” he whispered. “You know you like it.”

“Shut up,” and with that she hung up, stuffing her phone back into her purse, smiling widely.

Moments later, she reached Zac and Isaac’s apartment building and waited for someone to buzz her in.

“I knew you couldn’t resist me,” smirked Zac into the intercom.

“How the hell did you know it was me?”

“Because I’m psychic.”

“That’s great. Now let me up.”

“Hmm, what’s in it for me?”

“Nothing. Now, come on. It’s cold out here.”

“Mmm, no.”

“Zac, do you really want me to freeze my butt off where anyone could just come along and kidnap me at gunpoint?” she asked innocently, knowing exactly how he felt about her being out in the city at night all alone.

She laughed, shaking her head, when he immediately buzzed open the door to let her in.

“That was cruel,” he stated a minute later when she stepped into their warm apartment, shutting the door behind her.

She merely shrugged, handing off her present for Isaac to Zac to hold as she took off her coat.

“It really wasn’t fair, you know,” he continued to pout.

“Hey, I was just speaking the truth. It could have really happened.”

“I know that,” he whined. “Don’t remind me. It’s bad enough that you insisted on coming over here by yourself.”

“Aw, but I’m here now, aren’t I?” she grinned, leaning close to him and pressing a kiss to his lips.

“Well, yeah,” he mumbled against her lips, his bad mood softening. “But still,” he whimpered, leaning in for another kiss.

Jolyn laughed against his mouth, obliging his request, and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his slightly. “So where’s the birthday boy?” she questioned, pulling away from the kiss just as Zac tried to deepen it.

Zac groaned, stuffing his face into her neck, his warmth breath tickling her skin. “Talk about killing the mood.”

“What mood? You pouting and whining doesn’t really put me in the mood.”

“I beg to differ. You’re the one who was just all over me.”

“Right,” she laughed, taking Isaac’s present from his hands and stepping away from him in search of the birthday boy.

Jolyn easily spotted him in the corner talking to a pretty brunette who she didn’t recognize, decided to leave him be while he worked his magic, and instead quickly wandered off to place his present on his bed in his room. Just as she turned around to exit his room, Zac entered, pushing her back in with a gentle hand on her stomach and shutting the door to Isaac’s room slightly.

“Now, I’ve got you all alone,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her slim waist.

“Zac,” she laughed, pushing him away lightly. “Not now.”

“Aw, come on. I’ve missed you like crazy.”

“I just saw you yesterday. Heck, not even twenty-four hours ago,” she argued.

“And your point is? I still missed you, and besides, Ike doesn’t even know you’re here yet; so it’s not like he’ll miss you for a little bit.”

“Yes, I do,” interrupted Isaac as he stepped into his room. “I saw her come in, and my God, she’s got you whipped already.”

“Whatever,” mumbled Zac as Jolyn pulled away from him and walked over to hug Isaac tightly and wish him a happy birthday.

Isaac returned the hug gratefully, and the two walked off, chatting happily and a mile a minute, as Zac followed behind them, pouting and muttering a few choice curse words to himself. After twenty minutes, Zac was finally able to pull her away from Isaac, and the next hour was spent chatting and mingling with some people that Jolyn had met briefly a few times before. In the midst of it all, she had been hugged tightly and greeted brightly by an already tipsy Taylor, and she laughed, hugging him back. She glanced around the crowded room, trying to spot Natalie as she had yet to approach her, and noticed that she had hung back.

Doing her best to shrug it off and convince herself it was nothing, she turned back to the present conversation she was having and did her best to give Zac a genuine smile when he squeezed her arm lightly and gave her a questioning and worried look. She returned her attention back to the conversation taking place, forgetting about Natalie for the time being, and another hour later, the massive group of people gathered in Zac and Isaac’s apartment decided to head to Bar 13 for Isaac’s birthday bash.

The bar was already pounding with the bass of the music when they arrived, and many of the guests were well on their way to being trashed, including Taylor. As soon as they had walked through the door of the club, Zac grabbed Jolyn’s hand, making a beeline for the bar.

“Zac,” she laughed, tugging on his hand. “Slow down.”

Zac stopped, turning around to grin at her. “No way. I’m going to get you horribly drunk so I can take advantage of you later on.”

She stepped closer to him, leaning in to whisper in his ear slyly, “You don’t have to get me drunk to take advantage of me.”

Zac groaned, wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him. “You drive me crazy,” he whispered, his mouth to her ear.

“I know,” she smirked, wrapping her arms around his neck.

She watched his head dip low and felt his full lips caress her neck, her eyes closing. Her body shivered from the contact, and he grinned against her skin, loving the effect he had on her. His lips trailed down her neck and to her collarbone, whispering across her silky skin, and he planted a small kiss at the base of her neck before trailing his way back up to her lips.

He brushed his full lips across her smooth ones, increasing the pressure when she responded slightly, and she felt his hands move from around her waist to grip her hips when she nibbled lightly on his bottom lip. Zac groaned low in his throat, captivated by her actions, and pulled her closer to his body by her hips as he slipped his tongue into her mouth.

“Get a room,” teased Isaac as he passed by, bumping them with his shoulder playfully.

Pulling away as Zac protested, Jolyn laughed and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand discreetly. “You’re just jealous,” she called after him playfully.

“Of you, no. Of Zac? Yes,” he winked.

“Aw, do you want a kiss for your birthday?” she questioned, bouncing over to him.

“I don’t think Zac would appreciate that,” he grinned, glancing at his brother over Jolyn’s shoulder.

Jolyn shrugged her right shoulder, turning her head to glance at Zac. “He’ll get over it,” she teased, standing on her toes to kiss Isaac on the cheek. “Happy birthday,” she whispered, giving him a warm hug.

“All right. All right. Give her back,” demanded Zac, walking over to them.

“No, I’m keeping her,” teased Isaac, tightening his grip around Jolyn and swaying her in his arms lightly.

“Don’t make me beat you up on your birthday,” warned Zac.

“Okay. Okay,” retreated Isaac, stepping away from Jolyn with his hands in the air out in front of him. “You can have her back.”

Jolyn laughed, watching as Isaac made for the bar, before turning to face Zac. “No need to be jealous,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around Zac. “You’re the one that gets to take me home,” she whispered.

“You need to stop,” he warned playfully. “Or I’m going to ravage you right here. I don’t even care who sees.”

Shaking her head at his antics as she pulled away, she grabbed Zac’s hand, leading him to the dance floor. “Come on. We’ll dance out our sexual tension.”

“I can think of other ways,” he offered, grinning.

“Too bad. We’re dancing.”

Zac and Jolyn took their place on the dance floor in the midst of the crowd, hoping to dance their sexual tension away when, in fact, they only made it worse. Jolyn swayed her hips back and forth as Zac pressed his body against her back side, swaying with her and his hand splayed across her stomach as he pulled her back against his body. She placed her hand on top of his, moving to the music and shivering as Zac buried his face in her hair, his warm breath tickling her skin.

“I don’t think this is helping,” he murmured into her ear.

She laughed sexily, moving away from him as the song neared its end. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t go,” he whined, grabbing at her.

“Too bad,” she sang, changing the sway of her hips when a new song started.

Smirking, Zac just shook his head at her and returned to his dancing, content with watching her move her body to the music. They were in the middle of dancing and serenading one another with Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer when they heard Taylor yell for Jolyn. She turned to see a drunken Taylor approaching them with three shot glasses, and she couldn’t help but giggle as he pushed his way through the crowd of people, knocking into them and spilling drops from the shot glasses as he yelled apologies over the music while laughing.

“I see your brother has taken full advantage of the open bar,” she giggled to Zac.

“You guys,” he slurred once he reached them, throwing an arm around Zac and spilling even more of the shot in his hand. “I brought shots!” he declared, raising his arms.

“Are they all for you?” asked Jolyn.

“Nope,” he grinned. “One for you guys, and two for me.”

“How about one for you and two for us,” suggested Zac.

“Don’t be so greedy, but whatever,” shrugged Taylor, handing off a shot to each of them.

Zac and Jolyn clinked their shot glasses and went to clink Taylor’s but stopped when they realized his was empty due to all the spilling he had done.

“Huh,” Taylor mused, inspecting the shot glass closely. “Where’d it go?”

“You must have done it already,” teased Zac.

Taylor turned his head, throwing it back slightly, to look at his brother. “You must be right. I better go get another one.”

“You do that, Tay,” chuckled Zac, patting his brother’s back lightly.

“I might just love your brother best when he’s drunk.”

“You might be the only one,” laughed Zac.

---------------------

Standing off to the side, surrounded by a few of Taylor’s friends, Natalie had already spent much of her night watching Zac and Jolyn on the dance floor. Her heart caught in her throat and her blood boiled in her veins with every touch of Zac’s hand to Jolyn’s hip, every small kiss they shared, and every sly smile. It was difficult to watch Zac with another girl when she knew he was still slightly committed to her best friend, especially when she recognized the look that Zac gave Jolyn. The look that meant he was falling. Hard and fast. The sight was surreal as she was used to Kate being the only girl in his life. She wasn’t used to seeing him look at another girl the way he used to look at Kate. She thought that look was only for Kate and would always only be for Kate. Never did she think Zac would be a two-timer, but she supposed he thought the same thing about himself.

She couldn’t deny that part of her resented Jolyn for befriending Zac in the beginning because then none of this would have happened, or perhaps it would have just been a different girl. The more she thought about it, she realized it wasn’t Jolyn’s fault. Jolyn couldn’t help that she didn’t know about Zac dating Kate if he never told her. And from what Taylor told her, Jolyn hadn’t gone into their relationship intending to date Zac, and in the end, Zac had to push Jolyn to give him a chance. The news of Zac fighting to date Jolyn hadn’t pleased her because it meant he was serious about their relationship, conveniently forgetting about Kate.

As time wore on, Natalie began to wonder if perhaps she was no better than Zac. She had known about the situation from the beginning; yet, she hadn’t told Jolyn or Kate about any of it. No one had, but then again, she also realized that it was no one’s place to do so but Zac’s. He had created the mess himself, and he was the only one that could fix it. All she could do was helplessly watch the two trains collide, standing in the smoke of the aftermath.

Natalie was pulled from her thoughts when Jolyn came into her line of focus, and she watched nervously as Jolyn made her way towards her through the crowd. She had purposely avoided Jolyn throughout the night, but she knew that sooner or later Jolyn would seek her out. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t hate Jolyn. Jolyn was an incredibly sweet and likeable girl, and she was just as much of a victim and just as naïve as Kate was in the entire situation. Natalie almost felt sorry for her, knowing in the end someone would get hurt and that it could quite possibly be Jolyn. She knew much of what Jolyn had been through and hated to see such a sweet and still broken girl get broken down all over again. As Jolyn approached her, Natalie attempted to offer what she hoped was a warm and genuine smile.

“Your husband is one hell of a drunk,” giggled Jolyn after she approached Natalie and they watched Taylor serenade Isaac with yet another drunken rendition of Happy Birthday at the bar.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s something I should brag about,” laughed Natalie.

“Yeah, probably not. He’s pretty entertaining though.”

“Well, I can’t deny that.”

A short lull of conversation fell between the two women, and Natalie began to wrack her brain in search of something to say. But the only thing she could think about was Zac and his betrayal of two women. She feared to open her mouth in the event that it would all come spewing out like vile poison, and that was part of the reason she had stayed away from Jolyn for most of the night.

She hated knowing something not everyone else knew. The guilt of keeping secrets, especially from her best friend and from girls who didn’t deserve it, placed way too much pressure on her. The situation was so taxing on her that she almost felt as though she was the one dating Zac and he was cheating on her. She never asked to be put in position she was in, and she hated, especially given the fact that Kate was her best friend, that Zac had put her in it and expected her to go along with it without question. If the circumstances had been different, she wouldn’t have harbored such resentment towards Zac, Jolyn, and Jolyn’s presence in Zac’s life. She truly liked Jolyn, but she couldn’t help but feel as though she was betraying her best friend by befriending the other woman. And that was a lot of guilt for her to carry.

“Are you excited to go home for the holiday?” questioned Jolyn, interrupting Natalie’s thoughts and trying to keep the conversation light and flowing.

Natalie nodded. “Yeah, I suppose Tulsa is home now.”

Jolyn gave her an odd look, and Natalie laughed lightly to herself. “I’m originally from Georgia. That’s where all of my family is.”

“Ahh. Do you miss it?”

“Very much, but I try to visit as often as I can, and Taylor makes sure of it. He knows how much my family means to. But really, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The Hansons are my family now as well, and I love being so close to them. I could never be so far from Taylor,” smiled Natalie gently, watching her husband from across the room.

Jolyn followed Natalie’s gaze and smiled softly to herself, watching as Natalie gazed lovingly at her husband.
“How did Taylor and you meet then if you’re from Georgia?”

“Backstage after a show,” Natalie took a deep breath, containing herself from divulging too much information even though she wanted to. “My friend, my best friend in fact, apparently caught Isaac’s eye, and he invited us backstage. I met Taylor, and we hit it off.”

“Really? Wow. It’s like true rock ‘n roll style,” laughed Jolyn. “So did your friend and Isaac date?”

“Yeah, for a few weeks. Nothing too serious.”

“Where’s she now?”

“Back in Georgia. I saw her when we stopped there on the tour.”

“I bet that was nice,” smiled Jolyn politely.

“Yeah,” she smiled sadly.

“You miss her, huh?” asked Jolyn, catching the slight frown on Natalie’s face and misinterpreting its meaning.

“Yeah,” she nodded in response. “I do.”

“You should invite her out to New York sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe,” nodded Natalie, offering a tight smile. The conversation was making her very uncomfortable. Thankfully, her drunken husband appeared at the right time for once in his life just as Jolyn was about to continue on with the conversation.

“Hey babe,” he smiled widely.

“Hi drunky.”

“Maybe a little,” he slurred, slipping his arms around her thin waist as he leaned down to whisper into her ear.

Natalie giggled lightly as she shook her head and smiled up at Taylor after he had pulled away, the love glistening in both of their eyes. Though Jolyn had sworn off love and was scared of opening herself up to such vulnerability ever again, there were times where she couldn’t help but admit that she wanted nothing more than to be in love again and wanted that vulnerability that came with fully giving herself to someone. She wanted someone to remind her of how wonderful love could be, and she wanted someone to love her the right way, the way she was supposed to be loved. It was obvious Natalie and Taylor had that, and while she was happy for them, she was envious of their relationship and how in love they were. She wanted someone to look at her the way they were looking at each other.

Smiling softly at the couple lost in their own world but yet still feeling somewhat uncomfortable, Jolyn stepped away from them in search of Zac. Not surprisingly, she found him waiting at the bar for another drink, and she made her way over to him, standing behind him as she pressed her body against his.

“Can I get you a drink?” she asked, her voice low.

“Mmm, do that again,” murmured Zac, his eyes dancing playfully as he turned to face her. “Where’d you run off to?”

“I was talking with Natalie.”

“Really?” questioned Zac, a hint of surprise evident in his voice.

He didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but he was genuinely surprised that Natalie had actually held a conversation with Jolyn after the argument he and Natalie had had the day before over the whole situation.

“Yeah,” she answered, eyeing him with some suspicion. “Why?”

“Oh nothing,” he lied. “It’s just that Nat’s been in a bad mood, snapping at us guys. She hasn’t really talked to anyone.”

“Maybe she’s just sick of you boys. I know I would be,” she teased. “She seems better now though, especially with Taylor.”

“Oh God, did you have to witness one of their disgusting make-out sessions?”

Jolyn laughed, shaking her head. “No, but almost.”

“Consider yourself lucky,” he said, grabbing his drink after the bartender set it down.

“I’m sure they don’t enjoy watching us make-out,” contended Jolyn.

“Yeah, but we’ve only ever done that once in front of them, and that was tonight. Besides, we’re hot when we make-out.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe to each other, but not to anyone else, especially your brothers.”

“That’s their problem. They need to deal with it,” he shrugged. “If I’m forced to watch my brothers mack on women, they should be forced to suffer through the same thing.”

“Boys,” sighed Jolyn.

Zac merely smiled in her direction, changing the subject of their conversation. “How come Sophia and Jayden didn’t come tonight?”

Jolyn grinned. “Jayden took her on a date.”

“They’re dating?”

“Holy crap, I didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“They’re dating.”

“Well, I gathered that much,” he smirked.

Jolyn playfully glared at him and then proceeded to fill Zac in on what had happened while they had been gone to Minnesota for her brother’s wedding and about how they had become a couple.

“Aw, how cute,” he cooed.

Jolyn slapped his arm. “It is!”

“Ow, okay,” he laughed, rubbing his arm. “You do know that that really does hurt when you hit me.”

“Why do you think I do it?” she questioned, sticking her tongue out at him.

“I would put that back unless you plan on using it.”

“Nope,” she grinned, stealing his drink and bouncing off towards the dance floor.

Zac growled after her, quickly ordering another drink and following her out to the dance floor. They spent the rest of the night dancing, singing along to all of the 80’s music, and being interrupted by Taylor to take shots. A few hours later, the last of the guests had trickled out, and Jolyn, Zac, his brothers, Natalie, and a few other friends decided to call it a night. It had been easier than expected to get Taylor to leave, and after thanking everybody working at the club, the group left, heading out into the cold winter night.

“Definitely a successful birthday party,” yawned Jolyn as she snuggled into Zac’s side for warmth and balance as they walked down the street toward Zac’s apartment.

Zac nodded. “You’re staying at my place, right?”

Jolyn shrugged her shoulder. “My own bed does sound kind of nice, but I’m too tired to make the trip back to my dorm.”

“Next sleep over, we’ll stay at your place,” he offered, knowing exactly how it felt to miss his own bed, especially when he was on the road and on the exhausting nights when all he wanted to do was crawl under his own sheets and into his own bed.

“Deal,” she smiled.

“How you feeling?”

“A little bit drunk,” she laughed.

“I noticed,” he chuckled, tightening his grip around her waist.

The couple lagged a few feet behind the group, getting a good view of the action in front of them. Jolyn giggled as she watched Taylor stumbled along, doing his best to sing Come On, Eileen. The lyrics were difficult enough to attempt sober, and trying to sing them while drunk was an even more difficult task. A point that Taylor was only proving as he was having little success singing the correct lyrics.

Stopping right in the middle of the sidewalk, he turned to face Zac and Jolyn, smiling. As they approached him, he simply grabbed Jolyn’s hand, pulling her from Zac’s grasp, and attempted to twirl her in circles while he continued to sing. Jolyn laughed, screeching Taylor’s name, and partook in Taylor’s antics but stopped not too soon after they started.

“Ooo,” she laughed, holding her stomach and wiping her eyes. “I don’t think that was such a good idea.”

“You’re not going to throw up, are you?” questioned Zac wearily as he approached Jolyn.

“No, I think I’m okay.”

“Good,” he said, wrapping his arm back around her waist.

“Jol,” Taylor said, walking over to her. “You’re hot,” he blurted.

“Thanks. You’re not so bad looking yourself, stud.”

Taylor grinned, swaying slightly. “Yeah, I know,” and with that, he turned back around and continued on his stumbling journey back to the apartment.

“Wow, not only is he a horrible singer while he’s drunk, but he’s cocky, too. Now, I know where you get it from,” she said, poking Zac in the side.

“Shut up, drunky.”

“Hey, you’re just as drunk as I am.”

“I know. Why do you think I’m holding onto you? And it’s not just because you’re pretty, and I’m trying to cop a feel.”

“Oh, someone’s going to get laid tonight,” sang Taylor.

“Taylor,” scolded Natalie. “Leave them alone.”

“I’m still going to get sex tonight, right?”

“You guys are not having sex at our place,” stated Isaac.

“Hey, don’t rain on my parade just because you ain’t getting any. So think again, Ikey,” slurred Taylor. “We will be having sex in your apartment!”

“Please, you’ll be passed out the minute your head hits the pillow.”

Behind Taylor, Natalie stifled a giggle, validating the truth behind Isaac’s statement. The group soon made it back to the apartment building, and they all nosily clambered up the stairs to the second floor. Zac and Jolyn were last to enter the apartment, trailing behind everyone else, and once the door was shut and locked, they bid everyone a goodnight and Isaac one last “happy birthday” before heading for Zac’s bedroom. With his hand grasping Jolyn’s, he led the way to his room and allowed Jolyn to slip past him before he shut the door to his room behind them.

Walking into his bedroom, Jolyn sobered immediately, nervous butterflies resting in the pit of her stomach. While they had had many sleepovers before, this was their first sleepover as a couple, and she wondered what Zac expected. If he expected sex, he would surely be disappointed.

Zac switched on one of the small table lamps near him and turned around to find Jolyn still standing, her back facing him. He smiled, slipping his arms around her waist, and buried his face in her hair. Jolyn placed her hands atop his that were clasped at her bellybutton and felt his lips caress her neck. Pulling away after a few seconds, he loosened his grasp and turned her in his arms so that she was facing him. He smiled softly when his eyes met hers, and he reached up to brush her bangs from her eyes. Cupping her cheek, he leaned down and placed a soft, gentle kiss on her lips. Jolyn tentatively responded, fearing where the kiss would lead to, and Zac noticed her hesitance when he tried to take the kiss to the next level.

“You okay?” he asked as he pulled away.

Jolyn nodded, offering a small smile. “I’m fine.”

He returned her smile. “I suppose you need some pajamas,” he whispered.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t mind if you slept naked,” he teased.

“Is that what you expected tonight?” she asked, becoming serious and stepping away from him.

“What?” he asked somewhat confused.

“Sex. Did you expect us to sleep together tonight?”

“No,” he shook his head, still confused as to where this was coming from and where it was going. “Is this because of what Taylor said?”

Jolyn shook her head. “No. I just want to know what your expectations were.”

“Jol,” he said, stepping towards her and grasping her arm lightly. “I didn’t expect anything. I never have, and I never will. I know we’ve known each other for awhile, but we’ve only been dating for a few weeks. We just took our relationship to a new level, and in no way, am I ready for us to sleep together.”

“Really?” she questioned sincerely, looking up at him.

“Really. I know I risk sounding like a girl. No offense,” he smiled slightly. “And while I am guy and have thought about us sleeping together and certainly wouldn’t mind it happening, I see sex as a big deal, and I don’t take it lightly. And given your past, I’m sure you don’t either.”

Jolyn nodded, confirming his suspicions.

“I know it’s going to be awhile if and when we sleep together, and I would like us to be a little bit further in our relationship before we further our physical relationship that far. We’re only casually dating. I want us to be in a serious relationship first. I know how hesitant you are to even be in a serious relationship that I wouldn’t even risk the idea of pushing you to sleep with me because I know how big of a deal it is for you as well. I respect you, Jol, and I respect what you want. If and when we move to that level in our relationship, I want us both to be ready and comfortable with it, and I’m sure I will be if and when you are,” he smiled.

Jolyn laughed at his last statement and stepped closer to him, closing the gap between them. She placed her hand on his arm and smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” he said, pulling her into a hug.

“And you did sound like a girl,” she teased.

“Gee, thanks,” he stated sarcastically, giving her body a squeeze.

They stood in the middle of his room, hugging for a few minutes, Zac’s hands traveling up and down her back, and enjoying the silence before Jolyn spoke.

“So you’ve really thought about us together?”

Zac could feel the blood rushing to his face and the beginnings of a blush creeping into his cheeks, hoping to keep Jolyn in his arms so she couldn’t pull away and see his face. “Yeah.”

Jolyn felt her heart beat a little bit faster. The thought excited and scared all at the same time, but she had to admit that she had thought about it too. That in itself spoke volumes about the place Zac was taking in her life and in her heart because it had been quite sometime since she had thought about sleeping with a guy. “Was it good?”

“What do you think? Come on,” he said, pulling away from her. “Let’s get you some pajamas.”

Stepping over to his closet, Zac dug through his t-shirts and found the smallest shirt he could find before tossing it at her.

She unfolded it and held it out in front of her. “Sadam Hussein?”

Zac shrugged. “I’ve had it since I was like eleven or twelve.”

“And it still fits you?” she questioned skeptically.

“Oh yeah.”

“This I’ve got to see,” she stated before tossing the shirt back at him as he emerged from the closet with a pair of boxers for her to wear.

Zac caught it, laughing, and threw the pair of boxers at her. He unbuttoned his black shirt and slipped it off before tugging his wife beater over his head. Jolyn’s breath caught in her throat as she watched Zac. This was the first time since she had known Zac that she had seen him without his shirt on, and it was certainly a sight she could get used to. His skin was still bronzed from the summer sun, and his chest was sparse with hair. Her eyes caught sight of the lovely trail of hair that led to places she had only thought about. She liked the thought that it was all hers and couldn’t wait to find out what else he to offer in time. It was then she realized that she was staring and shamelessly checking him out. She looked up at Zac and saw that he was watching her, a small smirk on his face.

“Just put the shirt on,” she stated, rolling her eyes, knowing what he was thinking.

“Are you sure you don’t want to look some more? I may even let you touch,” he teased, taking full advantage of the fact that she liked what she saw.

“Put the shirt on.”

“Touchy,” he chuckled, pulling the shirt on over his head. “See,” he stated proudly.

“Hmm, it’s a little tight,” she smirked, stepping closer to him. “Chubby,” she added, giggling, poking him in the stomach.

Zac’s face took on a mock look of offense. “Excuse me, but I am not the Pillsbury Doughboy. That’s it. No sex for you.”

“Darn. Good thing I don’t want it.”

“Whatever. You want my hot body,” he contended, pulling the shirt off and tossing it at Jolyn, letting it hit her in the face.

He turned back to his closet in search of a shirt for himself when he suddenly felt Jolyn’s hand caress his back, exploring the new skin before her. He stopped his search, his entire body freezing, and every hair on his body stood at attention. She slipped her arms around his waist, and her small hands spanned across his toned stomach as she placed a small kiss between his shoulder blades. She finally withdrew her arms from around his waist, her hands trailing over his sides, and he turned to face her. He looked down at her, smiling slightly as he reached out and clasped one hand behind her neck, pulling her close. His lips crashed down on hers, and she willingly returned his eager kiss as she slipped her arms around his body, running her hands up and down his bare back, gripping his skin.

His hand stayed clasped behind her neck, and the other gripped her hip as he moved them towards his bed. The back of her legs met the edge of his bed, and she pulled away, looking behind her. Removing her arms from around Zac’s body, she sat down on the edge of the bed and pushed herself towards the head of the bed, laying back and resting against his pillows, her hair fanning out around her.

Zac crawled onto his bed and over her flushed body, her chest rising and falling rapidly with each breath, and he placed a knee on her either side of her body, weary to let his body rest against hers. He leaned down, dropping a kiss on her forehead and then on one of her cheeks before kissing her lips. She immediately licked at his bottom lip, persuading him to open his mouth, and when he did, she took full advantage, caressing his tongue with her own. Her hands roamed up and down his smooth back, feeling his muscles move and flex, and soon her hands came to the front, caressing his stomach and hips. The soft touch of her hands was driving him crazy, and Zac groaned, unable to take much more, and finally settled his body on top of hers.

One of his hands traveled to grip her hip, his thumb rubbing over her hip bone, and Jolyn bit down on his bottom lip. Groaning, his hips shifted lightly against hers, and she opened her legs wider, allowing him to settle between her legs. His hand soon slipped from her hip to touch over her stomach underneath her top, and it slowly inched its way towards her chest, daring to cup her left breast. Jolyn moaned into his open mouth, encouraging his actions, and he continued to massage her breast, relishing and delighting in the noises coming from her. He finally tore his lips from hers, kissing down the column of her neck and towards the deep v of her top as he brushed his thumb over her nipple through her bra, and Jolyn bit down on her bottom lip to keep from moaning aloud.

“Zac,” she breathed.

“Hmm,” he moaned against her skin.

“We…we need to stop.”

Breathing heavily, Zac sighed as he dropped his head, resting it against her shoulder. “Yeah,” he nodded slightly. “I...I just need to calm myself,” he mumbled, his cheeks reddening.

She nodded, laughing lightly. “That’s fine,” she whispered, stroking his lower back. “I’m going to go change.”

Zac grunted in response, rolling off of her. Sighing, he pushed his face into the pillow, surprised by how heated things had gotten and how fast, especially after the talk they had just had. He heard Jolyn change out of her clothes into his and sat up once he was sure she was done and he could move without being too embarrassed.

“You don’t mind if I just sleep in my boxers, do you?”

Jolyn shook her head, crawling into his bed underneath the covers. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure you won’t be able to keep yourself from molesting me in my sleep?” he grinned.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to contain myself,” she answered, rolling her eyes, as Zac slipped off his pants.

Zac tossed his jeans in the direction of his closet, watching as they landed on the floor, and pulled back the covers, climbing in next to Jolyn. She immediately snuggled into his side, placing her head on his chest, and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer.

“Comfortable?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Good. At least one of us is,” he teased.

“Fine,” she mumbled, beginning to pull away.

He laughed, pulling her back. “I was kidding. You’re more than welcome to snuggle with me.”

“No, I don’t want to anymore.”

“Aw, please,” he pouted, jutting out his bottom lip for added effect.

“Is that how you get what you want? Does that really work?”

“Apparently not with you,” he chuckled.

Jolyn rolled her eyes, snuggling back into Zac’s arms and warmth as she placed a hand on his bare chest. Zac’s free hand came up to grasp her small hand in his bigger one, and his thumb began to move back and forth, caressing the back of her hand. She reflected on the events of the night, pleased with how it had turned out, but her mind couldn’t seem to shake the one thought she wanted desperately to get rid of for the time being. It was part of the reason she had confronted Zac about them sleeping together.

Thinking of her daughter made her think of sex, and she wanted to know where Zac stood on the subject. Did he expect them to sleep together early on in their relationship, or was he a guy that waited until the relationship better established? She was in no way ready to sleep with Zac even though she had thought about it because even though they’d use protection, she’d always fear getting pregnant again. And in no way was she ready to be pregnant again. She thought maybe one day she might be ready to sleep with Zac, but she didn’t see that day being one in the near future. She had told herself she would wait until she was in love with a guy she knew she could trust before sleeping with someone again, but if she never opened herself up and never trusted guys with her heart, she might not ever see that day, even if she was beginning to trust Zac more and more with each passing day and even though he was breaking down her wall piece by piece.

“You asleep?” questioned Zac since she had been quiet for so long, interrupting her thoughts.

“In four days, my daughter would have been two,” she whispered into his chest.

Zac’s body stilled, surprised by her declaration.

“I know you don’t know what to say,” she murmured, reading his mind. “It’s okay, Zac.”

“I wish I did know what to say,” he responded.

“I know, but it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”

Zac nodded, squeezing her body to his lightly. “I would like to say though that I do know she would have been a beautiful little girl.”

Jolyn didn’t respond, merely nodding her head the best she could, and it was then that he felt her warm tears drip onto his skin. He intertwined the fingers of their hands that still lay on his chest, and his other hand immediately began to rub soothing circles on her back as he let her cry, her tears creating warm pools on his skin. He felt his own eyes glisten with tears as he listened to her choke back sobs, and he hated the thought that she was in so much pain and that he had no idea how to comfort her. Therefore, he did the only thing he knew; he kept her wrapped his arms, providing as much comfort as he could by rubbing her back, while he let her cry until she exhausted herself, much like she had the night they had first kissed and he had first learned of her heartbreaking past.

------------------------

The next morning Zac awoke to Jolyn still wrapped in his arms, sleeping surprisingly soundly, and he listened to her soft, even breathing and ran his hand along her back, tangling it in her hair so often. He smiled, realizing he could easily get used to falling asleep and waking up with her in his arms.

However, his mind flashed back to the last time he had seen Kate, to the morning after in her hotel room, how he had held her the exact same as he was with Jolyn and how he had done the exact same things, stroking her back and tangling his hands in her hair, thinking the exact same thoughts. His hand stilled in Jolyn’s hair, and his throat tightened just at the thought of Kate and at how similar the two situations were. He hadn’t talked to Kate since they had agreed to see other people, under false pretenses on his part, and that was almost two weeks earlier. He could lie and say it was because he had wanted to give her her space, but in reality, he had been focusing all of his attention on Jolyn and their relationship. He closed his eyes, sighing, disappointed in the way he had been acting and in the person he had become. Neither of the girls deserved someone like him; they deserved better - someone who respected them enough to be completely truthful with them. But it wasn’t a matter of whether he respected them or not because he did. It was a matter of getting over his cowardly ways, and it was a matter of not being so selfish, fearing the outcomes when the truth was revealed.

He thought of all the talks he had with his brothers and, most importantly, Natalie, and of Jolyn crying the night before, so broken and hurt. He knew that if Jolyn ever thought he had cheated on her, it would break her heart, destroying any and all trust she ever had in him, and he imagined he would only add to the pain she already suffered from. He couldn’t bear the thought of causing her that much hurt and making her cry like she had the night before, and he couldn’t imagine ever doing the same thing to Kate. He didn’t want to be that guy. He knew the situation had to be fixed and soon before it got worse than it already was. He had to fight hard against his cowardly ways and be an adult, taking responsibility for his actions and his mistakes.

Jolyn stirring in his arms brought him back to reality, and she moaned when she reached consciousness, trying to stuff her face into Zac’s chest. He chuckled at her antics and pinched her side lightly.

“Hey,” she grumbled, opening her eyes and looking up at him.

“Morning,” he smiled softly.

“Morning,” she yawned.

“How are you feeling?” he questioned.

Jolyn shrugged. “A bit better. I’m sorry for crying like that last night.”

“No, don’t apologize,” he said softly, caressing her cheek. “It’s okay.”

She smiled in response and nodded, closing her eyes again.

“You’re not going back to sleep, are you?”

“No,” she whispered. “What time is it?”

“Just a little after 9:30,” he answered, glancing at the clock on the nightstand to his left. “Do you have class today?”

She nodded. “At noon. I should probably head out soon.”

“Do you want something to eat before you go?”

“Nah, I’ll eat something quick before I go to class, but thank you.,” she smiled, finally pulling herself up into a sitting position.

She ran a hand over her tired face and pulled it through her hair. She glanced to her right to see Zac pulling back the covers and climbing out of bed before heading for his closet. She couldn’t help but bite her lip as she watched the muscles in his back flex as he bent over and grabbed a pair of sweatpants, pulling them on over his boxers.

“What?” he questioned when he turned to find her watching him.

She shook her head. “Nothing,” she grinned, climbing out of his bed and gathering her clothes before slipping off his boxers she was wearing and pulling on her jeans. “Mind if I wear this home?” she questioned, tugging on his shirt she was wearing.

“No, you look sexy in it.”

Jolyn rolled her eyes, heading towards his bedroom door and pulling it open. She heard Zac following behind her as she made her way down the hallway, and on their way to the front door, they passed Taylor in the kitchen, sitting at the counter with his head in his hands. Jolyn stifled a giggle and walked over to him, placing a gentle hand on his back.

“How you feeling?” she questioned quietly.

He merely grunted, shaking his head lightly.

Jolyn looked up to see Isaac watching them with a smirk on his face, and Jolyn returned the smile, laughing lightly. “Do you remember much of last night?”

“I don’t want to think about it,” he grumbled. “I expected more from you, Jol. I thought you would at least stop me from doing stupid stuff unlike my brothers.”

“Aw, Taylor, don’t you know how entertaining you are,” she grinned.

“Gee, I’m glad my embarrassing myself is entertaining to you guys.”

“Don’t take offense,” laughed Isaac. “He’s always cranky the morning after a night of drinking.”

“None taken. I know plenty of people who are the same way. Anyway, I’ll see you guys later. This college student has to go to class and learn something. Bye guys. Happy birthday, Isaac.”

“Have fun,” smiled Isaac as Taylor merely mumbled a goodbye.

Once Jolyn reached the front door, she pulled her jacket off the hook near the door and slipped it on. “So I’ll call you later,” she questioned, turning towards Zac.

He nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Even though it may not seem like it based on how I acted towards the end of last night, I really did have a good time.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, shaking his head. “That conversation was bound to happen sooner or later, and like I said before, that other thing…don’t even worry about it, okay?”

“Okay,” she smiled. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Have fun at class,” he whispered, leaning over and giving her a small kiss before she slipped out the door.

He closed the door behind her and turned to find Natalie standing there, watching him with her arms crossed over her chest and a sour look on her face.

“Nice shirt she was wearing,” scoffed Natalie.

“Don’t even start,” he stated. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“I presume you guys had a good time together last night,” she ventured daringly, knowing all too well that Zac usually waited a good deal of time before he slept with someone.

“I didn’t sleep with her if that’s what you’re implying.”

“That’s not what it looks like to me,” she said, gesturing towards his shirtless torso.

“Just stop, Nat. Nothing happened, and nothing will for quite some time. You know that.”

“And will you still be with Kate then? Or will you be dating a new girl along with Jolyn?”

Zac shook his head, irritated. “I’m not in the mood for a lecture. I thought we’ve been through this.”

“And so that means I’m supposed to just continue to sit back and watch as you cheat on my best friend and hurt her and another girl? I’m sorry, but when I see my best friend’s boyfriend or whatever the hell you are to her, kissing another girl wearing his shirt and him wearing next to nothing himself, it’s a little difficult to control my anger. You’re hurting a girl who doesn’t deserve it whatsoever. She’s so in love with you, and you’re taking advantage of that.”

“You promised to give me time to figure this out.”

“What is there to figure out, Zac?” she urged. “How to juggle them both at once? How to keep them from finding about each other?”

“This situation is not as simple as you think it is,” he argued.

“It is,” she stated forcefully. “It is that simple, Zac. You let one of the girls go, and I’m assuming it’s going to be Kate. All you have to do is tell her that you want to break up and that you’re seeing someone else. Quit giving her false hope. You know what you’re doing is wrong; otherwise, you wouldn’t be hiding any of this from them,” she hissed, pushing past him and joining her husband in the kitchen.

Chapter Twenty-Two continued...

Chapter Twenty-Two Continued...

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 05:49:14 GMT

Chapter Twenty-Two continued...

Jolyn pushed open the door to the café and glanced around at the booths and tables, searching for Sophia. She finally spotted her sitting at a table near the middle of the café and made her way over to the table, smiling brightly when Sophia saw her. Sophia had called her as Jolyn made her way to her morning classes and asked if she wanted to meet for a coffee date in between classes. Jolyn had agreed immediately, excited to see her best friend and excited to partake in some girl-talk.

“Hi,” she greeted Sophia brightly, setting down her drink.

“Hey. Go get your drink, and then we’ll chat.”

Jolyn nodded and returned moments later with a white chocolate mocha. “It feels good to sit,” she laughed, plopping down in her seat.

Sophia nodded. “Agreed. Work and mid-terms are killing me.”

“Tell me about it. Professors shouldn’t be allowed to give mid-terms.”

“I’m sure that’d go over well with the education system,” laughed Sophia.

“Of course,” grinned Jolyn. “So how was your date?”

“Really good,” smiled Sophia.

“Did Jayden like the exhibit?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, surprised. “He thought it was pretty cool. He even said he’d be willing to take me to more,” she laughed.

“Wow. I almost feel like I don’t know Jayden anymore,” she laughed lightly before frowning, realizing the truth in the statement.

“You okay?” questioned Sophia, noticing the change in Jolyn’s demeanor.

“Well, it’s just that what I said is kind of true. I haven’t talked to or seen Jayden in just over a week. I’ve been trying to get ahold of him, but he never answers my calls. And he hasn’t returned any of my messages.”

“Yeah, he’s been pretty busy with school and work,” said Sophia, offering a small smile and looking a little uncomfortable.

“Too busy for his best friend?”

“Come on, Jol, you know it’s not like that. He really just has been busy. I’ve rarely been able to see or talk to him.”

Jolyn nodded, forcing a smile.

“You’ll talk to him soon,” comforted Sophia, patting Jolyn’s hand. “Enough of this depressing talk. How was the party?”

“Ha, well, so much for getting away from the depressing talk.”

“What happened?”

Jolyn sighed, filling Sophia in on the beginning of the night at Zac and Isaac’s apartment and the party at the bar. She then told her about the minor confrontation they had about sleeping together followed by her breakdown over her unborn daughter’s birthday coming up.

“Jol, that’s not depressing. It’s sweet…everything Zac said and did for you.”

“I ruined the night though.”

“I highly doubt Zac thinks so.”

Jolyn shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee.

“Jol,” started Sophia. “Zac knew about your past when he decided that he wanted to date you. He knew how much your past has affected you. He knew what he was getting into, and still he wanted to date you. If Zac was ever worried or scared by your past, he would have left a long time ago. The fact that he’s stuck around, I think, says a lot about him and the kind of guy he is.”

Jolyn mulled over Sophia’s words, realizing she had a point. “I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” smiled Sophia. “I’m always right. I’m the best friend.”

“My best friend. I sure know how to pick them,” winked Jolyn.

“You know, I can’t argue you there," toasted Sophia, raising her coffee cup in the air.

----------------------

The morning of the twenty-first, the day her unborn daughter would have been two years old, Jolyn awoke a little after eight, groaning when she realized the time and when she remembered what day it was. Sophia had already left for the day. She had three classes to attend and had to work from noon to eight. The night before, she had told Jolyn over and over how guilty she felt and how sorry she was for not being able to miss class and for not being able to get off of work to spend the day with her. Jolyn wrote it off with a wave of her hand, knowing that Sophia had mid-terms and had done everything she could to get off of work.

Knowing that Jayden wouldn’t care if she woke him up, she grabbed her cell phone from her desk and scrolled through her phone list before she found his name and hit the “call” button. He, too, had class and hadn’t been able to get off of work, but she knew he had a few hours yet before he had to be to class. She waited impatiently and with tears in her eyes as five rings resounded in her ears followed by his standard voice message.

She hadn’t seen or heard from Jayden in the last two weeks when he had first visited after she had returned from Minnesota, but it felt like years. No matter how many times she called him, he never answered and never returned her calls. By now, she was convinced she had done something wrong, and even if she had, she thought for sure Jayden would have answered today of all days, regardless of how upset he was with her.

Upset and angry, she tossed the phone onto her desk and lay her head back down on her pillow. Pulling the covers back up to her chin, she let the tears flow freely from her eyes. The two people she needed most were nowhere to be found, and she had never felt more alone than she did in that moment. Letting the sobs take over her body, she finally exhausted herself into a restless sleep only to be woken up just a few hours later.

“Jol, wake up,” came the soothing voice, their hand slowly rubbing her back.

Jolyn slowly reached consciousness, groaning into her pillow.

“Come on, wake up,” the voice urged softly.

Turning to face the source of the voice, she blinked the sleep out of her eyes and saw Zac kneeling beside her bed, smiling tenderly at her. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might want some company today,” he answered, brushing back the bangs from her eyes. “Is that okay?”

Jolyn nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that. Sophia and Jayden both have classes, and neither of them could get off of work today.”

Zac smiled sympathetically. “Well, I’m here.”

“Good,” she replied, trying to force a small smile.

The two spent much of the day curled up on her futon, watching mindless tv and movies. Jolyn’s mom called mid-morning, just as she did every year, asking how she was and talking about how she felt. Jolyn spent a good half hour talking to her mom, and out of respect for Jolyn and her privacy, Zac left, going to the nearest café to get some coffee and then to the nearest Chinese restaurant to grab some take-out for them for lunch. He made one last pit stop for one last pick-up before returning to Jolyn’s dorm, and upon his return, he found Jolyn curled up on the couch right where he had left her.

“Hey,” he greeted, slipping through the entryway.

“Hi. Goodness; you stopped everywhere.”

Zac shrugged, handing her a coffee and setting the bags on the floor.

“So what’d you get?” she asked, attempting to peer in the bags.

Zac bent over the bags, opening them. “Chicken fried rice, white rice, chicken and broccoli, honey chicken, crab rangoon, egg drop soup, and fortune cookies,” he rattled off, pulling carton upon carton from the bag. “And this,” he said, gathering up the other bag and setting it on the chair near her desk, “is for later.”

“A surprise?”

“I suppose so.”

Jolyn moved to the floor to join Zac and grabbed a pair of chop sticks before digging into all of the food. The two ate in relative silence, enjoying the food, stuffing their bellies full, and watching the ABC Fox Family afternoon line-up of Step By Step and Full House. Long after they had eaten and let their stomachs settle, Zac stood up and grabbed the bag he had set aside from her chair.

“Think you have a little more room?”

“Zac,” she whispered, noticing the name on the front of the bag and her hand reaching up to cover her open mouth as tears sprung to her eyes.

He offered a small smile, setting the bag on the floor, and reaching inside with both hands, he pulled out a box of candles, a box of matches, and a box containing a round chocolate cake with French vanilla frosting. “Happy Birthday” was written in pink frosting, following the curve of the cake, and pink flowers adorned the cake sporadically. He pulled back the cover on the box and inserted two candles in the middle of the cake, careful not to ruin the simple writing. Zac struck a match, lit the two striped candles, and blew out the match, leaning away from the cake. Sitting back on his heels, he finally glanced at Jolyn to see tears streaming down her face.

“Is this okay,” he questioned, cautiously.

She nodded. “No one’s ever done this for me. It’s beautiful.”

“Blow out the candles,” he whispered, moving the cake closer to her. “And don’t forget to make a wish.”

Jolyn gathered her hair in her hand, holding it to the side, and closed her eyes, relaying her wish to her daughter. She opened her eyes, leaned towards the cake, and blew out the candles in one breath, watching the smoke capture her wish and carry it away. Rising to her knees, she pushed the cake to the side and crawled over to Zac.

She placed her lips on his, kissing him lightly. “Thank you,” she whispered, pulling away a couple of inches.

“You’re welcome,” he murmured, pushing back her bangs and cupping the back of her head with his hand.

Jolyn smiled softly at him through her tears and leaned into him, placing her lips upon his once again. Hesitantly, he returned the kiss until she increased the pressure and crawled into his lap. They continued kissing, a million thoughts running through her head and in complete awe of the man before her.

Never had Jolyn pictured herself as a young mother. She was sure not many girls did, but she found it strange to think that she could have had a daughter who was two years old today. Her life would certainly not be what it was. She would still be living in Minnesota, close to her family, and raising a two year-old daughter. She hadn’t been afraid to have a child. She knew her family was there to help and support her. She would have had all the support and love she would have ever needed to make it through the exhausting and lonely days. She wouldn’t be attending school in New York, pursuing a degree in sociology. She wouldn’t have met Jayden or Sophia, two of the best friends in the entire world, and she most certainly wouldn’t have met Zac.

She knew it was selfish, and she did feel guilty, but part of her was thankful that she was living the life she was leading because it meant Zac was in it. As more days passed, she found it difficult to remember life without Zac in it and wondered how she had lived a life for so many years without him in it, and now, she almost couldn’t imagine a life without him in her future. A life without him in her future scared her, and that thought alone scared her because it meant that Zac had more control over her than she usually let a guy have. It meant he was working his way into her heart, something she had never expected and the one thing she had feared the most and had spent the last two years protecting herself from. She had sworn to never give her heart away again and was working hard to keep that promise, but with Zac in her life, she was slowly going back on that promise.

So caught up in the man attached to her lips, she didn’t see Jayden, standing in the doorway, flowers in his hand. He watched them kiss before shaking his head and heading back down the hallway away from her room, believing more and more with each passing second that Zac was quickly taking his spot in Jolyn’s life.

----------------------

“Wanna come over? We can order Chinese and watch Full House re-runs all night,” enticed Zac two days after they had spent the day together on her unborn daughter’s birthday, his last night in town.

“I’ll be over in twenty minutes,” she stated and then hung up the phone.

“Bye,” he chuckled, even though she wasn’t on the other line.

And exactly twenty minutes later, Jolyn was making her way through Zac’s apartment door after he had buzzed her in.

“Right on time,” he smiled, watching her tug off her coat.

“Of course. I’m not wasting any time for Chinese food and Full House reruns,” she grinned, hanging up her coat on the hook next to the door.

“Well, gee, I’m glad to know you were so excited to see me,” he pouted.

“Shut up, you big baby,” she smiled, walking over to him and kissing him lightly.

“Mmm, come back here,” he murmured, grabbing her arm as she attempted to walk past him.

“Zac,” she laughed as he nuzzled his face into her neck, his warm breath tickling her skin. “You promised me Chinese and Full House. Now deliver damnit.”

“Well, I changed my mind. I have other plans for us.”

“Well, looks like you have plans for one because I won’t be joining you,” she contended, freeing herself from his grasp.

Zac groaned, watching her make her way to the living room.

“Can we at least watch it in my room? I would like some privacy on our last night together.”

“Fine,” she groaned, heading for his bedroom.

He smiled victoriously as he eagerly followed after her.

“Now order some Chinese,” she called out to him.

Rolling his eyes, Zac turned around and made his way for the kitchen to do as he told. Isaac was right; he really was whipped.

-----------------------------

“Ooo, I love this one,” smiled Jolyn as a new episode started while she picked at the last of the chicken and broccoli. It was the one where in an attempt to gain some privacy, DJ and her boyfriend, Steve, find refuge in a cement truck in the backyard. Only to begin making out and accidentally hitting the lever to start up the cement truck, sending the chute through the kitchen window and filling the entire kitchen with cement.

“Can we turn it off yet?” moaned Zac, rubbing his full stomach as he lie on his back on the bed next to her.

“Nope.”

“Too bad,” laughed Zac as he grabbed the remote next to him and shut the tv off.

“Hey! You promised Full House reruns all night.”

“Well, I lied,” he grinned, reaching for her.

Jolyn moved away from his grabbing hands and stuck her tongue out at him.

“Ah, so that’s how you’re going to play,” said Zac as he sat up and tackled Jolyn, pinning her to the bed on her stomach.

“Ugh, Zac, get off of me,” came her muffled voice.

“Nope,” grinned Zac, taking the carton of Chinese food out of her hand.

“Come on. You’re squishing my organs.”

“Well, that’s your problem,” he whispered, leaning down to make his chest flush with her back as he wrapped his arms underneath her body.

“Gee, I’m so glad you care about me,” she grumbled.

“No problem,” he retorted, resting his head between her shoulder blades.

“Can you please get off of me? I promise I’ll be nice.”

“I don’t know if I should trust you.”

“Have I ever given you reason not to?”

“You got a point there, sparky,” he said, finally rolling off of her.

“Oh God,” she groaned, turning onto her back. “I can breathe.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quit being so melodramatic,” he responded, dryly, swatting at her.

“I need to go soon,” she stated suddenly.

“No, I’m gonna keep you here.”

He stretched out his arm, encouraging Jolyn to cuddle with him. She obeyed, curling on her side and towards his body. She placed her head on his chest and rested her hand close to her face.

“I’m going to miss you over the holiday,” he murmured as he reached down with his free hand to play with her fingers settled on his chest.

“We’ll only be apart for a little over a week.”

“Aren’t you going to miss me?” he pouted.

“Of course, but I do have my penguin, Bubba, to keep me company, remember?”

“Ah yes, how could I forget,” grinned Zac, thinking of the penguin she had bought on their trip to the New York City zoo. “How is he?”

“Good. He’s good company.”

“Better company than me?”

“He’s a close substitute but nothing like the real thing.”

“Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. Ain’t nothing like the real thing,” he whispered, breaking out into song.

Jolyn untangled her hand from his, laughing lightly when she pinched his side.

“Ow, woman.”

Jolyn pinched his side again. “That’s for calling me woman.”

Comfortable silence fell over the two, and Jolyn relaxed her body into his even more, listening to his calm breathing. She smiled to herself, thinking of how different it was from one of the first times they had cuddled, when his breathing had sped up, becoming erratic due to his nerves of harboring secret feelings for her.

Zac’s free hand continued to roam up and down her back and through her hair, and she breathed in his scent, trying to memorize it, knowing they’d be apart. She tried to memorize as much as she could about him. The feel of his skin against hers, the caress of his hand along her back, the taste of his lips on hers, the crinkle of eyes when he smiled big and bright. Once a half hour had passed of quiet and aimless conversation, she knew their time together was coming to an end. She had an early class and still had to travel twenty minutes back to her dorm.

“I better go,” she said quietly.

“No,” Zac whispered, tightening his grip on her waist.

“No. Zac,” she giggled as he rolled over and swung a protective leg over her body, stuffing his face into her neck.

“I’m not letting you go. I promised, remember?” he protested, his voice muffled.

“Zac, I really have to go. I have class tomorrow, and you have to get up early to catch your flight home.”

“I don’t care. I don’t need sleep. I can sleep on the flight home.”

“But I do need sleep.”

“No, you don’t,” he contested, finally removing his face from her neck to look at her.

“Yes, I do,” she laughed. “I’ll never be able to get up for class.”

“Then skip it,” he smirked. “Stay here with me.”

Jolyn groaned. “As tempting as that sounds, I can’t. I skipped it the other day to hang out with you, and I can’t miss it two times in a row.”

“Fine,” he pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. “Don’t hang out with me.”

“You look pathetic,” she laughed. “Stop it. That won’t work on me.”

“Hmm, maybe this will,” he whispered lowly, his lips a mere breath from hers.

He smirked, his hand cupping her cheek and his thumb caressing her soft skin, watching as her resolve began to weaken. Jolyn’s eyes dropped to his mouth, and he grinned, leaning down to kiss her. She immediately responded, nipping at his bottom lip, as his hand traveled down her face, over the column of her throat, and down to her waist where he gripped it lightly.

Zac pulled away from her lips, kissing over her jaw line and down to her neck, sucking lightly on her soft skin. Jolyn moaned when she felt his tongue swipe at the hollow of her throat and dug her hands into his shaggy hair, tugging. He smiled against her skin and lowered his head further to suck at her collarbone.

“You’re evil,” she whispered.

Zac laughed lowly against her skin. “I know, and you like it.”

“You only invited me over so you could ravage me.”

“Damn,” he whispered, his voice husky. “You’ve figured out my plan.”

“Zac, I really have to go,” she said, her voice weak and unconvincing. “I’ll never leave if you keep going.”

“That’s the point.”

Laughing and rolling her eyes, she pushed Zac away lightly and sat up. She smoothed down her hair and adjusted her shirt before turning to look at him.

“I’m sorry, but I really have to go.”

“I know,” he smiled.

“Come on,” she said, crawling off of his bed and slipping on her shoes. “Walk me to the door.”

Jolyn led the way with Zac following behind her. Reaching the front door, he helped her slip her coat on, zipping it for her, and pulled her hat over her eyes as she slipped on her gloves.

“Thanks,” she giggled, trying to look up at him through her hat.

Chuckling, he pulled her hat back from her eyes. “Whoops.”

“Okay,” she murmured, smoothing her hands over her stomach and hips.

“Call or text me when you get back to your dorm.”

Jolyn nodded. “Will do. Have a good Thanksgiving.”

“You too,” he smiled, cupping her cheek with one hand. “Be safe, and I’ll call,” he continued, reaching up with his other hand to cup her other cheek. He leaned down, brushing his lips against hers.

“I’ll miss you,” she stated shyly.

“I know. I’ll miss you too,” he said, leaning in for another kiss. This time a little longer.

They kissed for a few moments before Jolyn finally pulled away, placing her hand over one of his. She pulled it down between their bodies and began to step away, still holding onto his hand.

“See ya,” she murmured, slipping through the door and squeezing his hand before letting his fingers slip from her grasp.

“Bye.”

Through the glass door, he gave her one last wave and watched her walk down the hallway. Smiling, he locked the door and headed back to his room, cleaning up the mess they had made. In no time, he was crawling under his covers, more than excited to go home to his family. Surely he would miss Jolyn but nothing could compare to being home in Tulsa spending the holidays with his family.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:32:40 GMT

Hey everyone! Just wanted to give you a heads up. I'm working on the next chapter right now. I'm halfway through revising and proofing it. So my goal is to finish the rest tomorrow and post the finished product sometime tomorrow night (Wednesday). So keep an eye open for that. :)

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:30:23 GMT

Hi, my dears. How's everything going for everyone? Those of you in school, I hope finals are going/went well for you. As of tomorrow around 11am, I will officially be finished with first semester. Then I only have one more left, and I'll be graduated! Woooo!!!

Anyway, since Christmas break is just around the corner for me, you know what the means for you...an update!!! Yay!!

My goal is to have an update for you guys within the next week or two. Obviously since the holidays are just around the corner along with my sister's birthday, this coming week will be pretty busy for me. But I will try my best. If the update doesn't come before Christmas, it will come within the next week after Christmas.

I'm super psyched to get back into writing. I really can't wait to give you guys some updates and hear your thoughts. :)

So just wanted to give ya'll an update. Enjoy your holidays, and merry Christmas!

Short Story

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 21:39:08 GMT

Title: Untitled as of now
Pairing: Taylor/Girl
Rating: PG-13
Words: 6,721
Notes: This is the first thing I've written in months, and well personally, I think it's not all that great. As usual. lol But it's something I just needed to get out. Thank you to Alex (scarabeo), my lovely little beta, for reading this over before I posted. I really appreciate your suggestions. I love you, dear. I hope ya'll like it! :)

--------------------

What you fear is your desire

If you were to ask me about my first love, my mind would conjure up a beautiful image of a young man. A young man with a contagious smile and shaggy blond hair that always fell into bright blue eyes that held a constant glimmer of playfulness. The image has forever been burned into my memory, and no matter how many times I’ve tried to erase it, it remains right where it has always been, refusing to budge. It’s not that I wanted to forget; sometimes it’s just too hard to remember. It would have made life so much easier if I could have just forgotten. Not a day passed where the image didn’t haunt me, reminding me of my mistakes and filling most of the years I’ve lived with regret all because of that one summer.

My first love has a name. My first love was Taylor Hanson. I knew of Taylor, but I didn’t know him well. He was someone who was considered popular; whereas, I was, well, not so popular. I wasn’t a complete social outcast, but I wasn’t at the top of the hierarchy either. I sat comfortably in the middle and floated about with all sorts of different people. I liked the ability to flit about as I wished. I wasn’t one for limitations. Limitations annoyed me. They still do.

We didn’t talk much. Only the occasional “hi” and polite smile in the hallway. We had a few classes together throughout high school, but that was the extent of our relationship up until November of our sophomore year.

Girls, freshmen and seniors alike, all swooned over Taylor Hanson. Not only was he gorgeous, but he was nicer than anyone who looked like him should have been. He was a genuine boy, which may have been the reason for his popularity besides his looks. The fact that he had a personality as well as good looks was like winning the fucking lottery. Finding a guy that possessed both qualities was such a rare find. He didn’t play sports, but the fact that he could rock the piano, guitar, and drums as well as evoke such vivid and lively emotions with his voice and ability to write incredible lyrics - all done with unimaginable passion - just added to his appeal. Girls ate that shit up.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think Taylor was attractive. I would have been insane not to think so. Taylor possessed a beauty I’d never seen before, but I didn’t waste my energy on trying to gain his attention because I knew he could have any girl in the school, so why would he want me? No, I’m not insecure. In fact, I have plenty of self-confidence, but I just never saw Taylor liking me. I had no reason to think such a thing. I hadn’t really given Taylor a second glance, so why would he give me one?

Some random Tuesday was when both of our lives changed. Actually, it’s not so random anymore. It was Tuesday, November 9th of our sophomore year to be exact. I had quietly been working on our Spanish assignment with my friend, Lena, when Taylor sat down beside me in the open desk across the aisle, interrupting the discussion I was having with Lena.

“Nice job on your presentation,” he smiled casually, referring to the report I had given at the beginning of the class period on Frida Kahlo.

“Thanks,” I nodded, offering a soft smile, slightly confused as to why he was talking to me. We had never exchanged more than one word before.

“So, uh, listen,” he started, glancing to his left quickly, which amused me to no end. Never had I seen Taylor Hanson nervous before. He was always so calm and laidback. He later admitted to me how nervous he really was, saying he thought his heart was going to explode out of his chest it was beating so hard. “I was wondering if you could, maybe, like, tutor me. I’m not doing so hot, and I know you’re pretty smart.”

“Uh,” I mumbled, glancing at Lena, who was watching us curiously with a small smirk etched across her face.

“You don’t have to,” he interrupted, running a hand through his shaggy hair, pushing it away from his eyes unsuccessfully as it just fell back into place. “I mean I’m sure you have a lot going on and what not. Just thought I’d ask,” he said, moving to get up.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll help you out.”

“Really?” he asked with a hopeful smile, his blue eyes shining.

“Yeah,” I nodded for emphasis, offering a small smile.

“Cool. Well, uh, I’ll call you tonight.”

“Sure,” I said, writing down my number on a scrap of paper and handing it to him.

“Thanks, Lisha.”

“Yup.”

I couldn’t say I wasn’t confused by Taylor’s approaching me. It confused the hell out of me. I didn’t understand why he hadn’t just asked one of his many minions.

It was two weeks later, though, when I found out that Taylor hadn’t been failing Spanish at all. It was in the beginning of our third tutoring session when his cover was blown. Hell, we hadn’t even started that day when I found out.

I was running late as always - a distinct quality of mine. A quirk, I call it - when I rounded the corner to enter the school library. There he stood conversing with our Spanish teacher in perfect Spanish. The little liar had been caught in the act. I wasn’t exactly furious. I was more confused than anything. But I never did say that Taylor Hanson was normal nor predictable, and not much of what he did made sense.

Senora Krebill saw me standing off to the side, watching their interaction, when she greeted me with a “Buenas tardes, Senorita Ashton,” and a smile before excusing herself from her conversation with Taylor.

Taylor’s hands were stuffed deep within the pockets of his tattered and faded jeans as he turned to face me, and the unmistakable look of guilt was etched across his face. He could hardly look me in the eye.

“You’re not really failing Spanish, are you?”

He smiled sheepishly, his cheeks reddening slightly and his gaze finally meeting mine. “No.”

“So why did you ask me to tutor you?”

“Truthfully?” he asked, removing his hands from his pockets and running one through his hair, a nervous habit of his.

“Y…yeah,” I stuttered, getting caught up in the intense gaze of his blue eyes.

He smiled softly and then finally spoke, simply stating, “I like you.”

“Excuse me?”

He chuckled lightly. “I like you, Lisha.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Do you like me?” he asked when I hadn’t responded after a few seconds.

“Why didn’t you just ask me out on a date?” I asked, completely ignoring his question.

I apparently must have caught him off guard because he blushed and began stuttering, something people rarely saw Taylor Hanson do. “I…I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t sure you liked me.”

“How do you know I like you now? I don’t know much about you.”

“I don’t know,” was his reply again. “Look, do you like me or not? If not, just tell me so, and I’ll leave.”

My lips curled into a small smile at his behavior, which was weighted by insecurity and slight frustration, and I shook my head.

“No?” he questioned. “No, you don’t like me? Or no, you don’t want me to leave?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” he asked, his voice rising slightly and near desperation.

“Yes, I don’t want you to leave.”

“You like me?”

“Maybe,” I shrugged, smiling coyly.

“Well, in that case, Lisha, would you like to go out?”

“I guess. I have nothing better to do,” I teased.

For our first date, Taylor took me to a local café for hot chocolate, poetry, and as quality of conversation as two high-schoolers could have. He walked me home, and we shared a kiss on my front porch with my little brother watching through the curtains in the living room window. I had kissed plenty of boys before, but never had I kissed a boy like Taylor Hanson. Kissing a boy like him was nerve-wracking. I’m sure he felt my lips tremble against his, bumping clumsily. My head was spinning, and my body was shaking, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I nervous or if it was because of the kiss.

His lips were slightly chapped but still laced with a hint of his hot chocolate. He tasted sweeter than I imagined, and ever since then, every time I’ve just smelled hot chocolate, I think of our first kiss and what it led to. When his lips first grazed mine, I knew. I knew I was going to fall in love with him. When he pulled away, he smiled brightly at me and asked me on a second date.

From that moment on, we were inseparable. We were your typical high school romance. We fell for each other hard and fast, and it continued on in a whirlwind of clumsy and heated kisses, fumbling and roaming hands, thrusting hips, and sacred and cherished “I love you”s for almost two and a half years.

We ended our relationship at the end of the summer after our senior year, weeks before we left for our first year of college. We did our best to have a good summer and normal relationship, but deep down, we knew what the end of the summer would bring, and that knowledge marred everything good about that summer. Every day that passed brought us one day closer to a fate we weren’t so sure we wanted but knew was inevitable.

We met at a park close to his house. There at a park defined by innocence, we ended our two and a half year relationship tearfully and with breaking hearts full of love. We had come to a mutual agreement to end our relationship, no matter how much we loved one another. We knew a long distance relationship with me in New York and him in Texas would be far too difficult on us. We would be committing relationship suicide, only setting it up for failure, and we wanted to remember our relationship with a smile rather than as something stained with regret and bitterness.

And although we refused to say it aloud, we had dreams for ourselves that didn’t involve one another. We wanted to know what a life was like without the other beside us every step of the way. We wanted to explore, and we wanted to see what life had to offer each of us.

Taylor Hanson was my first everything, and letting him go at the end of the summer after our senior year was the most painful thing I had experienced in my short life of eighteen years. It still is to this day. I had been convinced that I was going to marry that man. I was convinced that he was it for me, and I so desperately wanted him to be.

A week later, I saw him off as he left for Texas. Zoe, his youngest sister, held my hand as I cried silently, both of us waving goodbye as he pulled out of the driveway, taking my heart with him unbeknownst to the both of us.

I didn’t know when I’d see or talk to him again, but he called me when he arrived and had settled in, claiming that he missed me already. I called him when I had settled in New York a week later, telling him I wished he was with me. We called each other weekly those first few months while we were away, and we got together frequently during Thanksgiving and Christmas break.

It was weird trying to be just friends. We still told each other we loved one another, became jealous over other people we didn’t date, and made promises we weren’t sure we could ever keep. Nothing had changed but the label and physicality of our relationship, and even that hadn’t changed much. Over breaks, we still kissed and let our hands roam. We had never been just friends, and so we didn’t know how to do it. Every time we were together, our relationship reverted back to what it used to be in high school. We didn’t know how to let go because we didn’t want to.

Then it happened. He met a girl the month after we had returned to school after Christmas break. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and eventually and perhaps unfortunately, months to years without so much as a brief phone call or e-mail to say ‘hey’, to update each other about our lives, or to even say it was time we went our separate ways. We could both claim we did our best to keep in touch, saying life got in the way as people do so as not to feel guilty about losing touch, but we both knew that would be a lie.

Part of me felt betrayed. After all of our years together, he didn’t have the decency to officially end whatever it was that we had. Didn’t he owe it to me? But I guess I was just as much at fault as he was.

I received random updates from my mom as I’m sure he did as well from his mom, both of them hoping that somehow that would bring us back together. Most of the time, I didn’t mind the updates on Taylor’s life, but truthfully, it hurt to hear how he had moved on without me. And even though I had done the same, I still thought about him almost every day, the updates my mom gave me only reminding me of what we had shared and what we had lost. Did he think about me the way I thought about him? The updates convinced me he didn’t and made me feel pathetic about the fact that I still thought about him.

Soon the updates stopped, and I sensed my mom was trying to hide something from me. But I never bothered to ask. Deep down I knew what had happened, and I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want concrete evidence because if no one said it aloud, then it never happened. But that had only lasted so long until I had the pleasure of running into an acquaintance from high school in the city who felt the need to destroy the reality I had created for myself, informing me of what I had known all along but refused to admit - that Taylor had married. She then felt the need to ask if I was okay, and I felt the strong and incessant urge to kick her in the face.

I have no problem admitting I was jealous. The love I felt for him was of the wild and passionate sort, the kind that summer love was made of. And while the intensity of those feelings may have dimmed after we lost touch, sitting dormant in the shadows of my heart, it never fully went away.

I dated here and there before I settled down happily with Josh. We dated for almost three years before he proposed, and with a dull ache in my heart and a flashback memory to Taylor underneath the stars enveloped by the cold of winter promising to marry me someday, I accepted.

The next time I saw Taylor I was home visiting. Four years after we’d lost touch.

I had been leaving a local coffee shop, in fact, the one Taylor had taken me on our first date. We frequented that café all through our years in high school, and I hadn’t been there since I had left for my freshman year of college.

I bid farewell to Julie, the owner, who I had just spent the last half hour catching up with, and was busy digging through my purse for my keys when I collided hard with someone walking past the entrance outside.

“Ow,” I mumbled, pressing my hand to my forehead that had collided with their bony shoulder.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry.”

“No, no, it’s my fault. I wasn’t watching where…” I started, beginning to pull my hand from my head.

“Lisha?” came the whisper of disbelief.

My body froze from the familiarity of the voice. Opening my eyes, I looked up, and my past from seven years ago was staring back at me, the shock stealing the breath from my lungs so hard that I had to remind myself to remember to breathe.

“Taylor,” I breathed. “Hi.”

“Wow,” he murmured. “You look great.”

“Thanks,” I smiled, blushing slightly, the familiar butterflies returning to their rightful place as the sound of my heart pounding resounded in my ears. It amazed me and scared me that after all these years he could still have such an effect on me. “You too.”

“How have you been? Are you still in New York?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m just home visiting for a few days. What about you? Are you still in Texas?”

“No, no. I moved back here not too long after I graduated.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, taking him in.

Time hadn’t changed him too much. He certainly had matured, but the glimpses of the old Taylor, the Taylor I had fallen in love with, still remained. We stood, smiling slightly, getting used to the new people we had become. He still had the same shaggy hair. A few days worth of stubble covered his face, and it suited him well. He looked every part a man.

“This is crazy,” he finally spoke. “I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you after all these years.”

“I know,” I agreed, shaking my head. “It’s almost surreal. It’s been a long time,” I whispered.

I could literally see Taylor’s mind flashing back to how our relationship had ended when the look of guilt crossed his face. A look I had come to know well. He was about to speak again, an apology I was sure, when a far off call of his name interrupted him. We both turned to look at the source of his interruption, and I saw a gorgeous blonde making her way towards us.

“Hey,” she smiled, wrapping her arm around his.

He returned her smile and then turned back to me. “Lisha, this is my wife, Kelsey. Kelsey, this is an old friend of mine, Lisha.”

“Oh wow, Lisha, I’ve heard so much about you,” she grinned, reaching out to shake my hand.

“Good things, I hope,” I smiled politely.

She smiled in response before turning to look at Taylor. “Honey, you ready to go? We told your parents we’d be over there by four.”

“Yeah, sure. Listen, Lisha, how much longer are you in town?”

“Um, until Sunday. So four more days.”

“Well, we should get together sometime for coffee while you’re still in town to catch up.”

“Uh, yeah, that’d be nice. I’m staying at my parents’ house. So just call there.”

“All right. Well, it was good to see you.”

“You too. It was nice meeting you, Kelsey.”

She nodded, smiling, and I watched the two of them walk away down the street. I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt that Taylor had only introduced me as an old friend. We had spent two and a half years of our lives madly in love, and I was only an old friend to him now. If I ever needed closure, there it was.

Taylor never did call the rest of the four days that I was in Tulsa. I later learned it was because he was too scared. Our unexpected meeting had brought back too many memories, and he was confused by how he felt, by the fact that he still felt so much love for me even though he was married and had been convinced that he had gotten over me. I knew exactly how he felt.

Josh and I called off our engagement six months after I returned to New York. Josh was the one who called off the wedding, saying that ever since I had returned from Oklahoma that I just wasn’t into it anymore, and it was true. Like for Taylor, our unexpected meeting had rattled me. My mind kept replaying our relationship over and over again, taunting me about what I used to have and what I no longer could have. I wondered where we would be and what our relationship would be like if we had stayed together, and thinking about such things made it hard for me to continue on in a relationship with Josh and pay our relationship the attention it deserved. I realized it wasn’t fair to either of us for me to continue on in a relationship with him when my mind was preoccupied by another man and when I couldn’t love him the way he wanted me to; there was no choice but for me to agree with Josh when he ended our relationship.

I couldn’t help but wonder if it would always be like this every time I saw Taylor – my every relationship ruined just because every time I saw him all of my feelings for him came back and impaired my ability to move on. Would it always be this hard to get over him?

It was then, after Josh and I ended, I convinced myself I wasn’t still in love with Taylor and did an outstanding job of believing it. It was the only way I knew to move on. It was easier to lie. It was always easier to lie than to face the truth. If there was one thing I had ever learned from our relationship and from loving Taylor, that was it.

Three months after Josh and I ended our relationship, I found myself moving back to Tulsa. With the help of my parents, I found a reasonably priced, quaint, little house only fifteen minutes from where I worked. My mom and I spent many weekends decorating and furnishing the house, and soon, I was able to call it my own. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for one person.

One night, almost two months since I had moved back home, a night I had planned to curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and watch America’s Next Top Model, a knock on my door interrupted my wild plans for the evening.

Pulling my sweater tighter around my body, my padded feet carried me to the door, curious as to who was visiting me, and I hesitantly opened it to see the boy responsible for calling off my engagement.

“Taylor? What are you doing here?"

For a brief moment, I wondered how he knew I had moved back to Tulsa and how he knew where I lived, but it was easy to figure out. His mom. Five years later and our mothers still traded updates about our lives, still hoping for that day when we would try our hand at a relationship again.

“I’m really sorry to just come over like this, but I didn’t know where to go,” he rushed.

“Uh, it’s okay,” I said, stepping aside and opening the door wider. “Come on in.”

Taylor stepped passed me and into the house, and I caught a whiff of his cologne. I closed my eyes, relishing the familiar scent. He still smelled the same after all these years, and it triggered a million memories of our relationship. The first time he had ever kissed me, pulling me close in his arms and my body shaking. The first ‘I love you’ whispered against my lips in the darkness of his backyard. The first time we made love in my childhood bedroom, his scent and passion enveloping me. Our hug goodbye the day he left for Texas. A picture show before my eyes. That Tuesday in Spanish class to the last time I saw him almost a year ago. Seven years of memories flooded my senses.

I heard him stalk his way to the living room, and shaking myself from my trance, I followed and found him sitting on the couch, his head hung low and held in his hands.

”She’s cheating,” he whispered, his voice strained, when he heard me enter the living room. “I give her six fucking years, and she’s cheating.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, not sure of what to say.

“Yeah, well, me too,” he replied, the regret evident in the tone of his voice and his eyes rimmed by redness. Evidence that he had been crying.

I hesitantly sat next to him on the couch, careful not to touch him. I didn’t even want to know what his skin upon mine would do when just the mere sight of him reverted me to a shaking mess.

“I’m sorry for just showing up like this,” he apologized.

“No, it’s okay. It’s fine.”

“Don’t lie,” he smiled softly. “It’s a little awkward, I mean. Showing up when I haven’t seen you in like a year, complaining about my wife cheating on me, especially when you consider our past.”

“Yeah, okay, it’s a little weird,” I laughed. “But it’s fine. I understand you just needed somewhere to go.”

“Sure your husband won’t mind?”

“Uh, I’m not married. I’m single, actually,” I corrected, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the topic of conversation.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought…my mom said you were seeing some guy, Josh, was it?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, diverting my gaze. “We were engaged. We broke it off about five months ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

I went to respond with a “Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” but it was then I realized that, ironically, he was to blame for the end of my relationship with Josh. I know that technically it was my fault since I had let Taylor affect me so much, but he was the guy I couldn’t get over for good, the guy that had such an effect on me. Just when I thought I was finally moving on, he would reappear in my life, stirring up emotions I thought that had faded. He deserved some of the blame.

“It’s fine.”

“Everything’s just fine, huh?”

I shrugged one shoulder. “I guess.”

“So you’re not seeing anyone?”

“No,” I shook my head.

“Is that why you moved back to Tulsa? The calling off of your engagement?”

“Yeah, I, uh, I needed something different. I needed a change.”

He nodded as if he understood; I’m not sure he did. “How are things working out?”

“Good. Things have been good,” I said with some optimism. “I’m, uh, working over at St. John’s Medical Center for the Social Services department.”

“Yeah, that’s what my mom said. That’s good,” he smiled.

I nodded, not sure of what to say. What do you say to your ex-boyfriend, the love of your life, who you haven’t seen in over a year and who just found his wife has been cheating on him? Exactly. What could I say that hadn’t already been said? What was I allowed to say?

At a point in our lives, we had been able to say anything to one another. Rarely did we struggle for words, but now, it almost felt as though we were strangers. We hadn’t had a real conversation in over four years, almost five. I didn’t know who he was anymore, and he knew just as less about me. Did he still play piano? Did he still write songs in his free time? Did his right knee still bounce all over the place when he was anxious? Did he still brush his teeth in the shower when he showered in the mornings? What was he doing with his life? How did he pay the bills and put food on the table?

We knew the teenagers we once were, the reckless, carefree teenagers in love, but we didn’t know the adults we had become. The experiences of life had changed us. Maybe not by much or maybe completely. Nonetheless, we weren’t the people we once knew, and we had no idea how to relate to one another. We couldn’t just pick up where we had left off.

“I’m sorry I never called when I last saw you,” he stated suddenly.

I went to speak, but Taylor cut me off. “Let me guess. It’s fine,” he smirked.

The blood rushed to my cheeks, and a wave of heat passed through my body, signifying my embarrassment.

“I was scared,” he continued, not giving me a chance to respond.

“Of what?”

“Of you.”

“Of me?”

He nodded. “Of you,” he repeated, his eyes boring into mine.

“Why?”

“Truthfully?”

I nodded, my mind flashing back to the moment he had first revealed his feelings for me so many years ago. I didn’t know at that time it would turn into what it had – a five year struggle to get over my first love. I never would have guessed that we would have ended up here - previous lovers who hardly knew one another anymore.

“Y…yeah,” I stuttered, getting caught up in the memory.

“When I saw you, it brought back all these memories of our past together. It kind of shook me, ya know?” he breathed, short of breath and his voice wavering. It was easy to see he was nervous. “I just hadn’t expected that.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded, reaffirming my answer.

“Do you still think about us?”

“Of course,” I replied without missing a beat, and when I realized what I had said, a small blush crept into my cheeks. “I mean, it’s hard for me not to,” I blurted out, trying to cover up my blunder. “You were my first love. It’s only natural, right?”

“Do you still love me?”

“Taylor,” I started, becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with the turn our conversation had taken.

“Do you still love me?”

I sighed, lifting my head to look at him. “I’ll always love you, Taylor.”

“I know that, but do you still love me?”

“What does it matter? We’re not together anymore.”

“It matters,” he stated quietly.

I closed my eyes, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I didn’t understand why he was pressing the matter.

“I still love you, Lisha,” he whispered.

My head snapped up at his words, my eyes wide in surprise by what he was saying. “Taylor, no. You’re just upset with Kelsey,” I argued, shaking my head, refusing to let the words reach my ears and register in my mind.

I had waited so long to hear what he was saying, but I had learned to numb myself to the ever present ache of love for him. I wasn’t ready to admit my lie because I wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of realizing I was still in love with him. I had worked so hard to convince myself of my lie so I wouldn’t be forever plagued by my feelings for him, so that I could live a normal life. I wasn’t going to let that hard work go to waste when admitting my feelings for him would only most likely lead to disaster. Because how could we continue a relationship five years later when we even hardly knew one another?

“No, no I’m not. Well, yeah, I am, but that’s not why I’m telling you this. I’ve always loved you. When I saw you last time, God, I couldn’t breathe. It hit me so hard, and I couldn’t believe that I had ever let you go. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I whispered, tears in my eyes.

“Lisha, do you still love me?”

My gaze met his, the helplessness and fear radiating in my eyes, and I watched as realization passed over his face followed by disappointment as he searched my eyes and recognized the look that resided in them. He nodded in response as if he understood; maybe he did.

“It’s too late, isn’t it?”

I stared back at him, not really seeing him. My mind was too busy reeling from what had just perspired in my living room seconds ago to focus on anything.

“Yes,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I thought so,” he whispered defeated, his head hanging low. “Uh, I guess I’ll just go.”

“I think that’d be best,” I agreed quietly.

His blue eyes followed my movements as I made my way to the front door and opened it. He watched me for a few more seconds while I refused to look at him before rising from the couch and making his way towards me. He stopped in front of me, looking down at me. I didn’t dare raise my gaze to meet his for fear of giving in. “It’s easier to lie,” I reminded myself.

His rough and calloused hands cupped my face, and he leaned forward to drop a kiss on my forehead. “I’ve always loved you, Lish. I always will. You were my best mistake.”

My eyes dropped close, and the rush of wind washing over my body informed me that he had left. A few tears escaped from behind my eyelids, and I slowly shut the door, placing my hand on it and listening to the roar of an engine in the distance.

“I love you, too,” I whispered, my head pressed up against the door as my hand trailed down the smooth wood.

I stepped away, gasping for air, when the reality of what I had just done had settled in and my tears increased. What was I so afraid of? Why couldn’t I let him back in? Wasn’t this what I had always wanted?

I reminded myself of how much we had changed in five years. I didn’t know him anymore. He wasn’t the Taylor I had fallen in love with. Yes, parts of him remained, but some parts of him were completely new and unknown to me. How could I still love him when I didn’t even know him anymore? I loved the old Taylor, the Taylor I used to know.

No more than ten minutes after Taylor left, I realized I couldn’t be in the house. Not while his scent still lingered in the air, haunting and reminding me our past and what I had just foolishly given up.

Slipping my feet into a pair tennis shoes, I grabbed my keys off of the table by the door and rushed out into the winter air. I erupted into a coughing fit immediately as the harsh winter wind stole my breath. The dark sky was beginning to spit snow, the first snow fall of the season, and the melting snowflakes mixed with the tears readily streaming down my face. They marked their territory with my running black mascara and froze to my face, reminding me of heartache. I blindly made my way to my car and tried to stick my key in the car door lock but found myself having little success.

“Lish,” came the soft but strained voice.

My body jerked, startled by the voice, and my head whipped to my left to see Taylor approaching me, his hands buried deep within his pockets and his breath visible in the night air.

“I couldn’t leave,” he said.

“Taylor,” I interrupted, shaking my head.

“No,” he stated with some force. “Just let me talk. I know what you said, but I couldn’t leave you again. I can’t let you go. I made that mistake once. I’m not doing it again.”

“Taylor, we hardly even know each other anymore,” I argued.

“Then let us get to know one another again,” he contended, taking a step closer to me.

Instinctually, I moved closer to my car, only to have my back met by the cold metal of the driver-side door, sending a shiver through my body.

“I always knew you were the one, Lisha. I knew it from the moment I saw you freshman year in English class, and it took me a year later to work up the courage to even talk to you.”

“Taylor,” I started again, shaking my head and my eyes watering.

“Let me love you,” he urged softly, moving even closer until he was standing just a few feet in front of me.

“Why?” I whispered, a few tears streaming down my cheeks.

A soft smile crept across his tired face. “Because I do it best,” he stated simply.

My heart pounded hard in my chest as my tears increased, and a sob escaped my throat, sounding like a choked gasp.

“Please, Lisha,” he pleaded quietly, stepping closer to me and reaching out to wipe away my tears.

My eyes closed, a few tears squeezing their way out from behind my eyelids, as my head drooped forward in defeat. There was no way I could deny him like I had foolishly believed I could moments before. The man before me was my heart and soul. He always was, and he always would be, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. He had taken a part of my heart with him through the years, and here he was, ready to take my whole heart all over again.

I reached up, placing my hand over his that still cupped my cheek, and I nodded, finally lifting my head to look at him.

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyebrows raising slightly in hope.

“Yeah,” I nodded, smiling softly through my tears. “I’m just so scared,” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“I know. Trust me. I know, but this is it,” he whispered, rubbing his thumb back and forth against my cheekbone. “This is it,” he repeated before leaning down.

I held my breath, knowing he was going to kiss me. It had been almost five years since I had last tasted his lips. Five years since his lips had grazed mine.

His lips stilled before mine in hesitation, our breath mingling. I could feel his warm breath caress my skin, and that alone excited me and frazzled my nerves. At least this time I could say I had kissed a boy like Taylor Hanson.

He was breathing heavily already as was I, and when his lips brushed softly against mine, I could have sworn it was better than I had ever remembered. He kissed me gently once, allowing us to remember how the other tasted and felt, as if we had forgotten. He kissed me again, applying more pressure, and I didn’t hesitate in responding. He moved closer to me, pinning my body against the car with his. The hand that cupped my cheek remained there while the other slipped around my back, pressing my body to his. My hands slipped up his chest and then wrapped tightly around his body through his open coat as his kisses became more demanding, and I returned his passion through my kisses, eliciting a low groan from deep within his throat.

Five years of pent-up emotions were released in those kisses, like blood coursing through our veins, and it was if I had never forgotten how to love him. It was hard to believe that after all these years I was in his arms, kissing him as if my life depended on it.

Tears continued to stream down my face, mixing with our kisses, and he finally captured my bottom lip between his own, sucking lightly as he pulled away and rubbing my tears into my skin with his thumb. Smiles graced our faces as he pressed his forehead against mine, eyes still closed.

“So you like me?” he questioned, reminding me of the first time he had asked me out.

“Maybe,” I shrugged, playing along.

“Well, in that case, Lisha, would you like to go out?”

“I guess. I have nothing better to do,” I teased.

For our second first date, Taylor took me to the same café he did in high school for hot chocolate and poetry and ended our date on my front porch, lips laced with hot chocolate and brushing against one another in a familiar way.

Hello!

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 20:14:58 GMT

Hi, lovelies!

Okay, so I know it's been months since I've updated, and I'm sure most of you thought I fell off the face of the earth. Some of you may have given up on me and not care about this. lol Which is cool. I don't blame you.

Anyway, surprise, surprise, I don't have an update. Buuut, I haven't given up on the story. I want you to know that. I've just taken a long ass and unexpected hiatus. My inspiration and motivation went on vacation without informing me first.

As I told Hayley earlier, I've spent the last few days finalizing the story and plot and giving it some structure. The next chapter has been started and is probably about halfway or more to being finished. I would love to have an update for you guys sometime soon, but I have no idea if that'll happen.

Otherwise, come Christmas break, my goal is to be a writing machine so I can give you guys some updates! I'll be doing nothing else over X-mas break so I should have plenty of time to write.

I have every intention of finishing this story and possibly writing a sequel. Jolyn and Zac have a lot left to tell of their story, and I feel they deserve to have an ending instead of being suspended in the air of the fiction world.

In other news, I'm close to finishing a short story. It's a Taylor one, and so hopefully that'll be up within the next week. And I also have another short story I plan to finish...the sequel to the one I posted here forever and a day ago.

So that's a little update for you guys. If you care. lol I want to thank all the people who have stuck with me and have kept pestering me and telling me to update because seriously, it's you guys that keep pushing me to get an update out for you all. You definitely deserve one! So thank you!

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 19:19:05 GMT

Holy wow people! You all continue to amaze me!

THANK YOU!

The winners were announced today for the Feel What I Dream awards, and I certainly was not expecting win anything, especially since I haven't updated in so long and because I was up against some awesome authors and stories. But you guys proved me wrong...happily! lol

I won every award I was up for, and I also received runner-up for Voter's Choice. It seriously means so much to me that you all think my story is still deserving to vote for, and like I said, there were some amazing authors and stories I was up against that I thought for sure would win and they should have. lol But I'm so happy that you guys voted for me! I really appreciate it. You guys are the best! Thank you so much!

You can see the winners here.

Also, stop over to The Words I Wrote and congratulate Kristy on all the awards she won! She kicked some major ass, and she totally deserved it! YAY! Kristy, I'm so happy for you!

In other news, I don't have an update. I'm seriously slacking, I know. I'm really sorry, but the fact that I just won kinda made me all giddy and motivated to update for you wonderful people. You certainly deserve it after being so patient with me. :)

The next chapter is about halfway finished, and I will be trying my best to finish it before the weekend or at least next Tuesday, which is when I start school. Keep your fingers crossed!

Thank you again everyone!

On a side note, who else shares in my depression that Kaylee over at Typical Star retired from the hanfic world?

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 20:01:35 GMT

Hello beautiful people!

As I'm sure ya'll are not suprised, I don't have an update. lol I've just a bit of news.

This rich bitch, well more like poor bitch, is going to Florida for a week tomorrow to visit her best friend. That's right; I be spending a week in the fun and sun. So there will be no updates for a week at least. I will try my absolute best to have chapter for you not long after I get back. I've the next chapter started, but not far enough for me to finish it by tomorrow. So like I said, I will try my hardest to have an update after I get back.

Also, some lovely person(s) has/have nominated me and my story over at the Feel What I Dream awards for the summer season. The categories I've been nominated for are:

Best Romance Author
Best LOL Character: Zac
Best Supporting Hanson Brother: Taylor
Best Zac
Best Title

So thank you whoever you are! It is definitely appreciated. Voting opens up tomorrow. So as always, be sure to go vote for the amazing authors over there. There are some extremely deserving authors and stories nominated that deserve to win. :)

Well, that's it. I will see all you lovely people when I get back. Love you all! :D

Chapter Twenty-One

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 23:14:41 GMT

Hello, hello. I finally have an update. I apologize for the amount of time between updates. I didn't realize it's been almost a month. :( But at least it's not two months. :)

Not sure when the next update will be. I might be going to Florida for a week in about two weeks, and so hopefully, I'll have an update by then.

For now, enjoy the chapter, and download this song. :) Most of you may have heard it...Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. As soon as I heard it awhile back, I felt it was the perfect song for a scene in this chapter, and it fueled that scene quite a bit. :)

As usual, I'm not happy with this chapter completely, but I can't work on it anymore. lol I'm beginning to think I'll never get it right, and I figured this is as good as it's going to get. So I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer for no reason. At least I hope you all like it. :)

Also, Feel What I Dream has decided to do a small summer season. Nominations are now open, and so feel free to go nominate some of the amazing stories and authors out there. :D There are plenty out there who deserve it.

*~*Chapter Twenty-One*~*

Glancing in the mirror one last time, Jolyn sighed as she smoothed down a few fly-aways. Sophia watched her friend for a few seconds, smiling knowingly, before returning her attention back to her computer. She’d wait for Jolyn to come to her.

“I’m kinda nervous,” Jolyn finally admitted, glancing over at Sophia seated at her desk.

Tonight was Zac and Jolyn's official first date, and Jolyn had been fidgety and restless all day. She had done anything and everything to keep herself and mind occupied for the day, but nothing had seemed to work, and it had only resulted in annoying Sophia. Now, Zac was scheduled to show up any minute, and her nerves and her fidgeting had increased tenfold as she waited for him to arrive.

Sophia smiled, turning her attention from her game of Solitaire to her friend who was nervously wringing her clutch in her hand. “You should be. He’s a hot boy; I’d be nervous to go out with a hot boy.”

“That’s not it,” sighed Jolyn, rolling her eyes. “I just…I don’t know.”

Sophia smirked to herself, knowing exactly what was going on inside of her best friend’s head. “It’ll be fine. You guys will have a good time.”

Jolyn nodded, taking a seat on the edge of the futon. “Yeah, I know. It’s just a little weird. This all seems too official for me," she admitted.

Sophia’s eyes narrowed slightly, watching her best friend. “Jol, don’t start freaking out. You’re just going on a date; it’s not like you guys are getting married. You’ve gone on plenty of dates with plenty of boys. It’s what you do best, remember?”

While it was well-known that Sophia didn’t necessarily agree with Jolyn’s ways, she didn’t want Jolyn freaking out about her new relationship and situation with Zac. To Sophia, Zac was Jolyn’s only hope to finally falling in love again; he was the perfect choice, and she didn’t want Jolyn to ruin what they could have before it had even started by freaking out and calling the whole thing off. And while it was also known that Jolyn had promised to stop with her games, such things were easier said than done.

Jolyn was about to respond when there was a knock on their door. She gave Sophia a nervous and anxious smile before rising to her feet and opening the door. Jolyn smiled as she was greeted by a smiling Zac who held a colorful bouquet of flowers in his hand.

“Hi,” she grinned, her nerves easing because of his warm smile but also worsening because of how good he looked.

“Hey,” he smiled brightly. “You look great.”

“Thank you,” she murmured, blushing slightly and pushing her hair behind her ears. “You do, too.”

“I know,” he teased.

Jolyn shook her head, fighting a smile, and her nerves completely disappeared due to Zac’s regular antics. It was nice to know things hadn’t changed even though they were dating, and it helped her feel more comfortable with their new status and in their new relationship.

"I brought these for you," he said softly, handing her flowers.

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

Zac nodded, watching as she turned around and asked Sophia to put the flowers in water. “So are you ready?” he questioned when she turned back to him.

She nodded, turning back to Sophia. “See ya later, Soph.”

“Bye. You two have fun, and don’t make out too much,” she teased.

Zac smiled slyly. “We will. Bye Sophia.”

She gave a small wave as Jolyn glared at her and shut the door. “So are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?” she asked as they stepped out into the hallway.

“Nope,” he grinned.

“Well, that’s rude.”

“Well, I’m rude, remember?”

“What?”

“One of the first times we hung out, you called me rude. That day I ran into on the street corner.”

“That’s right,” she laughed. “You remember that?”

“Of course,” he smiled, turning to look her in the eye. “I remember everything when it comes to you.”

She faltered slightly in her step and watched Zac as he walked ahead of her a few steps, slightly astonished that he still remembered such a thing; she never would have expected such a thing. She watched as he opened the door to the stairway and motioned for her to go ahead. She whispered a quiet “thank you”, and the two made their way down the stairwell and out into the city winter air.

“So are you going tell to me yet?” she asked, pulling her coat around her a little tighter.

Zac shook his head, grabbing her hand, and began to lead her down the sidewalk towards Washington Square Park. “Did you have a good day today?” he asked, running his gloved thumb back and forth against her gloved hand.

She smiled softly, looking down at their entwined hands, and snuggled closer to him. “I did. Classes were a little long, but at least it’s Friday. What about you?”

“I had a torturous day. It went by so agonizingly slow when all I could think about was seeing you tonight.”

Jolyn laughed heartily. “Oh, you’re good.”

“What?” he chuckled. “I mean it.”

Jolyn rolled her eyes, squeezing his hand, and he just smiled in return as he drug her along and they chatted about their days. Soon enough, their destination came into sight, and Jolyn groaned inwardly as Zac’s grin brightened.

“We’re going ice skating?” she questioned as they got closer to the rink.

She could see various couples, teenagers, and children skating on the ice, showing off their moves. The bright white lights shone down on the rink, reflecting off the ice, giving it an iridescent, glittering glow. Zac turned, smiled, and nodded while tightening his grip on her hand and increasing the pace of his steps.

“I don’t know about this,” she said wearily as Zac continued to pull her along.

“Aw, come on. Why not?”

“Because I suck at ice skating,” she whined. “I’ll spend more time on my ass than anything.”

“Then this will definitely be fun,” he smirked.

Jolyn just scrunched her face up in response as Zac chuckled at her antics.

“Very mature.”

“Well, duh.”

“And what a way to further my point.”

"Just promise you won't let me go."

"I promise."

------------------------------ (Start song here if you like. It should be long enough to get you through the next two little scenes. lol)

"Are you ready to try it on your own?" questioned Zac, stopping their movement.

"No," she immediately spit out. "Please don't let me go," she pleaded, tightening her grip on Zac's hands.

They had been ice skating for the last hour, Zac grasping Jolyn’s hands tightly as he skated backwards and pulled her along as she giggled nervously and squealed when she stumbled. Zac would just laugh and assure her that he had her and wouldn’t let her go, but that had only lasted so long before Zac had went back on his promise and now had urged her to try skating around the rink on her own.

"Come on, Jol. It'll be fun. You need to try it just once," he coaxed.

Jolyn shook her head, watching as little kids and teenagers skated passed her, making her even more nervous. "No. I don't want to."

"Too bad," he grinned, working his hands out of the death grip she had on his hands.

"Zac!" she cried out, her knees bending and her arms immediately flying out in front of her to help keep her balance. "You are so mean!"

Zac just smiled sweetly in response and watched as she stood on shaky legs, pouting.

"I hate you," she muttered as she watched Zac skate up ahead of her, leaving her alone.

Silently plotting Zac's death, Jolyn began to move her feet slowly and stumbled forward, her arms flying out as she struggled to keep her balance once more.

"I'm going to kill him."

She heard someone coming up from behind her, and she moved slowly, waiting for them to pass. She became nervous as they sounded as though they were coming too close for comfort and was sure she would be lying on the ground any second. She squealed, though, as someone gripped her hips and began to push her forward. Her arms flew out as she started forward, and she heard Zac chuckle from behind her.

"Stop it," she demanded, swatting at his hands on her hips.

Zac laughed, slowing them to a stop, and he finally came to stand in front of her, smiling brightly, after he made sure she was good to stand on her own without falling.

"How's it going?"

"Fine," she mumbled.

"Mmm hmm," he grinned, skating backwards a bit as he watched her begin to move again.

He finally began skating again, and Jolyn just glared as she watched Zac skate circles around her as she moved forward cautiously.

"Go away. You're making me nervous."

"Mm, I don't think so. I'm quite enjoying this."

"You're an ass," she offered, picking up speed a bit and straightening her body some to more of an upright position.

"That's it," he encouraged.

"Go away."

Zac laughed, shrugged his shoulders, and took off.

----------------

Squealing and propelling her arms to help keep her balance, Jolyn’s attempt failed, and she fell flat on the ice and hard.

“Ow,” she laughed to herself.

Exasperated, she lay on her back and sprawled out her arms and legs, easily giving up. In the distance, she heard Zac chuckling as he skated his way over to her and heard his skates skid to a stop by her side. Looking up, she saw Zac smiling down at her, amused.

“Do you want some help up?” he questioned, still smiling.

After she had reluctantly agreed to try skating on her own, she found herself making her way around the rink in a circle on shaky legs and had fallen more times than she could count. Her last fall had been the final straw, and she really didn’t feel like trying to conquer the rink or the art of skating anymore. Her legs and butt were too sore and her ego horribly bruised. She thought at one point she had finally been getting the hang of it, but her aching body proved otherwise.

“Nah, I’m good here,” she drawled.

With his head tilted to the side slightly, Zac pondered her position before silently joining her on the ice. He bent to his knees and lay down beside her, playfully nudging his leg against hers. Smiling to herself, Jolyn nudged him back and heard him chuckle as they lie next to each other.

The winter night sky was clear, and the two lay in silence, staring up at the sky, trying the hardest they could to find a sparkle of a star. Most of the other skaters had cleared out as the night grew later and colder, and the rest of the world slowly faded from their conscious as they became the only two people in their own universe.

Jolyn sighed softly, her breath crystallizing above her, content with the moment. Her heart fluttered as she felt Zac’s gloved hand grab her own, and they lay with their clasped hands placed between their bodies before Zac gave her hand and arm a small tug and pulled her body closer to his own. Smiling softly, Jolyn scooted closer, placing her head on his chest and tangling her legs with his own as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

Together they lay on the cold ice as the coolness seeped through their coats and into their bones, watching the sky and relishing in each other’s company, but the winter wind and cold were the farthest things from either of their minds as both of their bodies and hearts were warm with contentment, and unknowingly and if only for a moment, love.

“I could stay like this forever,” Zac whispered, his breath visible before them. It was as if his breath and words were condensing for Jolyn to visually reach out and grab and put them in her pocket to keep for forever, for her to look at whenever she wished, in order to remember this moment and the fluttering of her heart. Jolyn snuggled closer to Zac and buried her face into his neck, her breath warming his skin and her actions echoing his sentiment.

Zac breathed in deeply and released it slowly to ease the frantic beating of his heart and smiled to himself, knowing something great was just beginning, as the sky began to spit snow that landed softly and melted in their hair and on their flushed faces.

"You promised you wouldn't let go," she whispered, playfully.

"I won't," he whispered back seriously, the true meaning behind his words finally sinking in.

----------------------

“How’s your butt?” asked Zac, smiling, as he sat down beside Jolyn on a bench to slip his shoes on.

Thirty minutes later, the two had reluctantly picked themselves up off of the ice, the lights turning off and signaling the closure of the rink, and had returned their skates.

“Sore,” she moaned.

“Want a butt massage? I’ve been told I give excellent ones.”

“Hmm, maybe later,” she whispered slyly.

Zac wiggled his eyebrows playfully and stood before Jolyn, watching as she put on her shoes.

“I do need to say thank you though,” she smiled as she pulled on her shoes. “I had a good time.”

“See I told ya.”

“Quit bragging.”

“Why? I’m so good at it,” he proclaimed, grabbing her hands and helping pull her to her feet.

“You do have quite the ego,” agreed Jolyn.

“And you love it,” he stated, pulling her closer to him.

“Mmm, maybe,” she murmured, slipping her arms around his waist. “It’s kinda sexy.”

“Yeah?” he questioned, his voice low and a smirk on his face, as he leaned closer to her.

She nodded, returning his smirk, as she watched his gaze shift to her mouth, and her smile widened, knowing what was coming.

“I thought so,” he murmured before brushing his lips against hers lightly and then increasing the pressure.

Jolyn gave in immediately, knowing there was no way she could fight or resist Zac or his lips. She found out fairly quickly that Zac rendered her quite helpless in a good way. He sucked gently on her bottom lip before pulling away and placing one last kiss on her lips as his hand cupped her cheek.

“That was nice,” he whispered, placing another kiss on her lips.

Jolyn nodded. “It was.”

She smiled against his mouth, and he swallowed her laugh as leaned down to kiss her once again.

“Someone’s a little needy.”

“I can’t help it,” he whispered, pulling back to look in her eyes. “I’ve been waiting to do this for way too long, and I want to do it all I can. Besides, those lips of yours. Torture. Pure torture,” he murmured huskily, his gaze falling back to her mouth.

“Ha, my lips? What about yours? Those are some sexy lips,” she whispered, her voice low.

“I know,” he smirked, grabbing one of her hands and kissing her softly for a few seconds before pulling her behind him. He heard her groan when he pulled away and laughed. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“Coffee?” he questioned, stopping to turn and look at her.

“Mmm, you sure know the way to a girl’s heart,” moaned Jolyn and eagerly followed him to the nearest coffee shop.

“If coffee can make you moan like that, I can’t wait to hear what my lips and hands will do to you,” he whispered slyly.

Jolyn gasped and shoved his shoulder, blushing lightly.

“And the abuse is back,” laughed Zac as he rubbed his shoulder.

------------------------

“You’re going home for Thanksgiving right?”

Jolyn nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. “Yeah, I leave the twenty-sixth. What about you?”

“Twenty-fourth. I probably won’t be back until December.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, we all want to spend some time at home with the family. We want to take as much time off during the holidays and spend it with them before things get hectic again.”

“Definitely understandable.”

“When are you coming back?”

“I’ll be back the thirtieth.”

“What will do without little old me?” grinned Zac.

“Go out with my other boyfriends,” she teased.

Zac tried to return her playful smile but couldn’t help the slight frown that appeared, and Jolyn immediately noticed as soon as she realized what she had said.

“Oh no, Zac. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it. I was just playing around.”

“No, no, I know that. Besides, it wouldn’t matter anyway, right? We’re allowed to see other people,” he refuted softly, a sad smile on his face.

“Yeah,” she whispered meekly, lowering her eyes to the table, regretting that she had ruined the wonderful mood of the evening.

“Hey,” he said softly, trying to get her attention, reaching for her hand placed on the table, and squeezing it tightly. “Don’t be sorry, okay? I know you didn’t mean anything by it, and even if you did, it’s okay. It was part of our agreement that we could see other people, and I understand and accept that, okay?”

Jolyn nodded, finally meeting his eyes.

“I can’t lie and say I don’t want you all for myself because I do, but I know neither of us is ready for that right now. We’re taking things slow and having fun. There’s no harm in that, and I’m happy with it if you are.”

“I am,” she said softly, her lips curling into a small smile.

“Good,” he replied, his smile brightening before he released her hand with one last squeeze.

Glancing down at the table for a second, Jolyn lifted her head thoughtfully, watching Zac. “You’re not ready to be exclusive either?” she questioned suddenly.

Zac set down his coffee, taking a few seconds before he answered. “I guess not,” he shrugged. “With the album and all coming out soon, things will get pretty hectic in my life, and I might not always be around or be able to commit the time and energy a serious relationship deserves.”

Jolyn nodded, part of her disappointed with the thought that they might never be exclusive in the near future due to the impending release of the album, while Zac silently cursed himself for lying. Something he had been doing a lot of lately. Once again, he had been presented with the perfect opportunity to tell Jolyn about Kate and the complication and disaster that was their relationship, but once again, he refused to grasp it. He was beginning to wonder how many chances he would get and how many times he would refuse them before the whole situation blew up in his face.

It was because of his complicated relationship with Kate that he realized he had no reason to be upset with Jolyn’s teasing of seeing other men or to be sad about the fact that they weren’t exclusive. Even though it was Jolyn’s idea to date casually and it was essentially what Jolyn wanted, the fact was it was he who had someone else on the side, not Jolyn.

“That makes sense,” nodded Jolyn, interrupting his thoughts. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

“Of course,” he agreed. “But hey, there’s something I wanted to ask you.”

“Yeah?” she prodded gently.

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to be my date to Isaac’s birthday party tomorrow night,” he offered, smiling gently. "Jayden and Sophia are welcome to come, too."

Jolyn’s smile widened, and she nodded. “Of course. Do your brothers and Natalie know about the whole situation with Jerad?” she added softly.

“No, I didn’t tell them.”

“Oh. Well, you can if you’d like. They’re my friends, too.”

“I know, and that’s why I figured I’d let you tell them when you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” she replied sincerely.

Zac offered a smile in return, and the two finished off their coffees before finally calling it a night. Zac grasped her hand immediately once they exited the café, and Jolyn snuggled into his side. They made the short walk back to her dorm, talking quietly and sharing secret smiles. Upon reaching her dorm, Zac insisted on walking Jolyn up to her room, and Jolyn didn’t protest once, gladly accepting his invitation.

“Well, thank you,” she grinned as they approached her door. “I had a good time tonight.”

“Me too.”

“We should do it again sometime,” she teased as he stepped closer to her.

“Mmm, I can’t argue that,” he agreed quietly, leaning down, his mouth a mere whisper from her own.

Her gaze lowered to his lips, and Zac smirked when he saw it.

“Zac?” she whispered, her breath dancing across his lips.

“Hmm?”

“Just kiss me already.”

“I definitely can’t argue that,” he whispered, closing the gap between them when his mouth brushed against hers.

Jolyn’s stomach fluttered with butterflies as he kissed her softly, and she ached for his hands to touch her. She returned his gentle kiss, her smooth lips gliding over his full ones as she placed her hands on the hem of his t-shirt through his open coat and deepened the kiss, hoping to encourage him. She could tell he had been fighting to keep some resolve but victoriously danced inside when he returned her passionate kiss. She could taste the remnants of his café mocha and licked at his bottom lip, wanting to snuggle even more into him and his warmth. She heard a groan emit from low in his throat, and her blood coursed through her veins as Zac’s resolve completely disappeared.

Smiling against his lips, Jolyn wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer as he placed a hand on either side of her body against the wall. Her mouth moved against his, and when she felt his hands finally caress her body, moving up her sides and touching her like she wanted, she felt his tongue caress her bottom lip. Excitement shot through her entire body, and she failed to keep a moan back when his tongue softly caressed her own. Her moan and the feeling and taste of her tongue triggered his own moan. His body pushed up against hers, pressing her into the wall, and her hands dug into his hair, tugging slightly.

His hands slipped underneath the hem of her cotton t-shirt and rubbed the soft skin of her stomach and hips, and he gripped her hips tightly when she nipped at his lower lip. His mouth took control of hers urgently, and he moaned into her open mouth as she succumbed to his purposeful kisses. His hand slid around to her back underneath her t-shirt and pulled her body forward away from the wall and against his already close body.

He finally pulled away, gasping for air, and his lips trailed a path from her mouth, over her jawline, down her throat and into the hollow of her neck. She dropped her head back, allowing Zac better access to her skin, and she sighed deeply as his tongue swiped at her collarbone.

“I, uh, maybe you’d, maybe you better,” she stuttered, trying to form a coherent thought and an understandable sentence.

“I better what?” he smirked, pushing her back up against the wall with an undertone of certain urgency.

She gasped at the sudden movement as her back met the wall, surprised by his passion but completely turned on. “Oh God.”

“Yes?” he smirked again.

“You better stop,” she pushed out between deep breaths.

Pulling away and stepping back, Zac watched her chest heave with deep breaths as she tried to gulp down air and nodded, realizing things had gotten a little out of hand. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I just don’t want to move too fast.”

Zac smiled, grasping her hand in his. “No, I understand, and I completely agree. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I wasn’t exactly stopping you.”

“Yeah, you want my body,” he teased, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a tight hug.

“Hmm, yeah.”

“Yeah, I can’t blame you. I’m hot.”

Jolyn rolled her eyes, laughing into his shoulder. “I always thought Taylor would be the one with the ginormous ego. Who knew I’d be wrong?”

“Funny,” he said sarcastically, keeping his arms around her as he held her.

The two stood in the hallway, hugging, their breathing returning to normal and their hormones and bodies calming down.

“This is just so different,” she murmured into his neck, breaking the silence.

“How so?” he asked, stepping back.

“It’s just, well, you’re Zac, one of my best friends. It’s weird to go from just hanging out with you to kissing you.”

“Yeah, but even when we were just friends, you wanted to kiss me. Plus, we still hang out. Only now we get to make out too.”

“Maybe,” she laughed.

“Besides, this feels right, and you taste good,” he murmured, his gaze traveling to her mouth.

“Don’t start,” she warned, laughing.

“That’s right. I forgot. You can’t control yourself around me and my hot body.”

“Zac?”

“Yes?” he grinned.

“Go home.”

“See. Can’t control yourself. You’re right. I better go. I wouldn’t want you to test your willpower.”

Rolling her eyes, Jolyn grabbed his shoulders, turned him around, and pushed him down the hallway. “Goodnight, Zac.”

Laughing, Zac turned around and grasped her chin lightly in his hand as he kissed her softly. “Goodnight,” he smiled warmly. “Thank you for a wonderful night.”

“Thank you. It was the best date I've ever been on,” she murmured softly.

Zac smiled, his eyes twinkling, as he ran his thumb over her bottom lip before kissing her one last time and taking off down the hallway. Jolyn watched him go, not able to contain her smile, and waited until he disappeared through the doors into the stairwell before finally ending her night and heading inside her dorm room, dreaming of a wonderful night and many more to hopefully come.

-----------------------------

“Hey Nat,” greeted Zac cheerily as he entered the kitchen the next morning.

“Hi,” she muttered, not even turning to look at him.

Zac frowned at her back, confused by her mood, but refusing to let it ruin his good mood that had resulted from an incredible night spent with Jolyn. Zac continued his whistling as he moved about the kitchen, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. He tried his best to ignore the slamming of the cabinet doors as Natalie moved about as well, but after the fifth slam, it was hard to ignore.

“Are you okay?” he asked cautiously.

“Fine,” she muttered.

“Okay. Well, I’m here if you want to talk,” he offered gently.

“Whatever,” she spat.

Zac looked up from his bowl of cereal, frozen in his spot, completely caught off guard by Natalie’s attitude. It was very rare that Natalie was ever mad or upset, especially at him. She was normally a very calm, nurturing, and understanding person, and so when she was pissed, they knew that whatever had happened to upset her so deeply was bad and worthy of her anger. They knew they were in deep when Natalie was pissed, and Zac wondered what it was Taylor had done to upset her so much.

Right at that moment, Taylor entered the kitchen, and Zac made sure to intercept him before he approached Natalie and felt her wrath.

“Just to warn you,” he whispered harshly. “Natalie is completely pissed off. I don’t know what the hell you did to make her so mad, but I would steer clear.”

“I didn’t do anything,” said Taylor, giving his brother an odd look before walking over to greet his wife.

Zac watched in awe as Natalie greeted Taylor cheerily and with a kiss. It was then that it dawned on Zac that Natalie was upset with him. He had done something wrong, and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was that he had done. He had an inkling of an idea, but he was determined to find out if he was right or not. Pushing his cereal aside, he cautiously approached Natalie who was standing in front of the stove, preparing breakfast.

“Uh, Nat,” he started gently. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Looking up from the skillet, she passed off the utensils to Taylor and sighed as she nodded and followed Zac out of the kitchen and to his bedroom for some privacy.

“What?” she asked, her arms crossed in front of her chest defensively as she gave him a disinterested look.

“Well, you’re obviously upset with me, and I was just wondering what it was that I did to make you so mad.”

Natalie scoffed. “You really don’t know?”

“No, I don’t,” he breathed, shaking his head. “I’d really appreciate it if you’d tell me. I hate it when you’re mad at me.”

Natalie’s façade softened a bit and only for a moment, but Zac caught it. “Kate,” she simply said.

“What about her?”

“Are you dating Jolyn?” she challenged.

Zac gulped, trying to formulate his answer in his head, and Natalie immediately called him out on it, seeing the wheels turning in his head.

“Just tell me the truth. Don’t lie. Don’t try to sugarcoat it. I already know that you are; I am married to your brother, you know.”

“Sorry,” he apologized meekly. “Yes, we are dating, but just casually.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re still dating her.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“And what did you tell Kate?” she shot, her hands on her hips.

Zac stumbled over his words, Natalie interrupting him, irritated with his lies and cowardly ways.

“You didn’t tell her anything,” she nearly yelled. “You’re leading her on. You’re lying to her, and I’m sick of it. She doesn’t deserve any of it.”

Zac’s head hung low. “I know,” he mumbled.

“Just tell her. You’re hurting her more if you don’t. You’re just making things worse,” she urged.

“I can’t,” he muttered. “I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

Natalie sighed angrily. “Did you just not hear me? You’re hurting her even more by not telling her. I swear to God if you don’t tell her, I will,” she threatened.

“Nat, just please try and understand,” he pleaded.

“I can’t. I don’t understand you or your so called logic, and I’m not going to sit by and let my best friend get hurt while you’re out gallivanting with some other woman. It’s not right.”

“Please don’t tell her. Just give me some time, and I will, but please don’t tell her. It’s better if she hears it from me.”

Natalie always tried to be fair and empathetic and tried her best to understand both sides of the situation, and sadly, Zac knew that and used it to his advantage. He knew Natalie would do her best to try and understand where he was coming from. He knew in the end that Natalie would back off, understanding that it wasn’t her place to interfere, if he just pleaded with her in the right way to not tell Kate.

Natalie stared at him wearily with her hands on her hips before sighing, her anger breaking down slightly. She wanted nothing more than to tell Kate, but she also knew it wasn’t completely her place. Yes, Kate was her best friend, and Natalie wanted to protect her, but it was Zac’s and Kate’s relationship, not Zac, Kate, and Natalie’s, and it was Zac’s mistake to make. It was Zac’s place to tell her; it was Zac’s mess and consequences to deal with. “Fine, but do it and do it soon, or I will tell her.”

Zac nodded. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” she muttered before turning on her heel and walking out of the room.

"Nat," he called after her.

She stopped, her arms crossed over her chest and her back to him.

"I do love Kate, and I would never hurt her on purpose. I just wanted you to know that."

She nodded once, still not facing him, as she whispered an "I know", and walked back to the kitchen to join her husband.

Zac stared after her, hating that his sister-in-law was upset with him, but he knew he completely deserved it. He had created the mess, and he had to deal with the consequences. It was his fault, and he couldn’t place the blame on anyone else but himself.

--------------------------------------

“So how was the date?” asked Sophia excitedly as she curled her legs underneath her on the futon.

Jolyn laughed, throwing her bookbag to the ground as she stepped through the door. She had expected Sophia to be up waiting for her the night before, ready to attack her and ask her anything and everything about her date, but once she had returned from her date, she found Sophia passed out in bed with the tv on, playing reruns of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Jolyn had crawled into bed the night before, knowing she wouldn’t see Sophia before she headed off to work and knew Sophia would be drooling with anticipation by the time she got home from work. Now after Jolyn had returned from spending the morning in the library, Sophia was back from work and had jumped on her as soon as she had walked through the door.

Truth be told, she couldn’t wait to tell Sophia all about it. The night had been the perfect first date, and lying with Zac on the ice, that moment, had given her butterflies to last a lifetime, and she could have sworn that just for a second, she was in love. The emotions she had been so scared to let herself give in to and feel had coursed their way through her body in that moment, and she realized she had missed feeling such intense happiness and contentment.

In that moment, she had realized how deep her feelings for Zac could really develop, and for once, she wasn’t scared. It felt comfortable, and it felt right. So naturally right, and right then, she had wanted nothing more than to trust Zac with her heart and be with him forever.

“Give me a chance to sit and relax,” she sighed, plopping down next to Sophia.

“No,” she squealed, grabbing Jolyn’s arm. “I want details now.”

Jolyn laughed, shaking her head at Sophia’s antics.

“Come on. Where’d he take you? What’d you guys do? Did he kiss you? Did you guys have a wild make-out session? Did he try to rip off all your clothes and have his way with you?”

“Calm down, woman, or you won’t be getting any details,” she said, toeing off her shoes. “He took me to Washington Square Park. We went ice skating followed by coffee. Yes. It wasn’t wild, and no he didn’t.”

“But you wish he would have tried to rip off all your clothes and have his way with you,” Sophia smiled slyly.

“Maybe,” Jolyn giggled.

“Yeah, I don’t blame you.”

Jolyn laughed, throwing her head back, and proceeded to fill Sophia in on all that had happened the night before.

“That is the sweetest thing ever,” she cooed. “Lying with each other, staring up at the stars. I’m so jealous.”

“Jealous?” she laughed. “Come on. Jayden is definitely good to you.”

“Yeah, he is,” she smiled fondly, her eyes sparkling. “Speaking of Jayden, we have a date tonight.”

“Yeah?”

Sophia nodded, smiling brightly.

“Where are you guys going?”

“He’s taking me to the museum at FIT. There’s an exhibit called Textiles From the Garden of Eden that I mentioned I really wanted to go see, and so he called the other day, saying he was taking me.”

“Jayden is going to a fashion exhibit?” Jolyn asked wearily and almost incredulously.

“Yup,” she nodded. “Crazy, I know.”

Jolyn laughed. “Not really crazy. I just never expected Jayden to attend such a thing. I think I can safely say that Jayden really likes you.”

“Well, I really like him.”

“Aw, my two best friends,” cooed Jolyn playfully.

Sophia laughed, slapping Jolyn’s arm lightly.

“I mean it though. It’s so great you guys are together.”

“Thanks. That means a lot,” smiled Sophia sincerely.

“How come you’re not going to school at FIT?” asked Jolyn suddenly. “I mean you’re so into fashion, and it is the prestigious Fashion Institute of Technology afterall,” bellowed Jolyn in what she thought was a posh accent and receiving a weird look from Sophia.

“We’ve been over this. My parents don’t agree with it, and I have to respect their wishes,” she shrugged.

“Sophia, I know you’ve been raised to do what your parents want and what they think is best for you, but if it’s what you really want, you should go for it.”

“I’m happy doing psychology,” she countered.

“I know, but when you talk about fashion, it’s like watching Zac talk about his music or like watching Taylor on stage.”

Jolyn knew she had hit a nerve as she watched Sophia sit quietly, staring at the floor. She finally lifted her head, speaking, “Can we not talk about this?” she smiled sadly.

Jolyn gave her an empathetic and apologetic smile before nodding. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I just don’t feel like talking about it right now.”

“Got it.”

“Tell me more about your date with Zac,” smiled Sophia excitedly.

-------------------------

“What’d you get Ike for his birthday?” asked Taylor, flopping down on the couch across from Zac.

Zac looked up from his book to glance at his brother. “Nothing yet.”

“Zac, his party is tonight.”

“Yeah, but his birthday isn’t until Monday,” smirked Zac. “What’d you get him?”

Taylor smiled sheepishly.

“You ass,” chuckled Zac.

“What?” asked Taylor innocently, holding his hands up in defense.

“You haven’t gotten him anything either. You just wanted to know what I got him because you have no idea what to get him.”

“Yeah, well, can you blame me?”

“Mm, no, I was planning to do the same thing.”

“Well, we’re both shit out of luck.”

Zac chuckled. “I suppose so.” Zac paused, cocking his head to the side in thought. “How about we get him a hooker for his birthday?”

“What?!” spit out Taylor. “Where the hell did that come from?”

“I don’t know,” Zac shrugged, smiling. “He hasn’t gotten any lovin’ lately. Figured it’d be good for him.”

“Remind me to make sure I give you ideas for my birthday and Christmas. I’d hate for you to go into it blindly and get me something you think I need,” stated Taylor, shaking his head.

Zac shrugged innocently, returning his attention to his book briefly.

“So how was the date?”

Zac smiled softly to himself, closing his book as he did so. “Good,” he stated softly. “Really good.”

“Yeah?”

Zac nodded. “Yup,” he confirmed. “I did pretty good if I do say so myself.”

“Conceited much?” smirked Taylor.

“Just speaking the truth.”

“More like delusion,” countered Taylor.

Zac chuckled to himself, thinking about the events from the night before. Their date had gone better than he had ever expected. The park had been the perfect setting and Jolyn the best company, and while the night had been cold, it didn’t bother either of them as they were content just being with one another. Zac would have laid on the ice with her in his arms, staring at the stars, for the rest of time if life would have allowed.

Though he had known Jolyn for the better part of four months and knew a lot about her, he was still learning new things about her. She was always surprising him, and last night had been no exception. The more he got to know her and the more he saw of the real Jolyn, the more he was sucked in and the more he wanted to know about her and be with her. At first, he was intrigued. Then, he was enthralled, and now he was consumed by her. The night had been the perfect way to start off their relationship, and if the night before was any indication of how their relationship would grow and be, then their relationship would be one he wouldn’t let go. Zac could only hope it would last.

Taylor left Zac alone to his thoughts, watching as the silly grin took over Zac’s face. Taylor sighed to himself. He was more than happy for his brother, but he also knew the grin meant trouble as he was falling for Jolyn more and more but was still slightly committed to another woman, neither of the girls knowing about the other. He was blindly leading them on, and someone was going to get hurt at the work of Zac’s hands, greed, and cowardliness.

“Nat still mad at me?” Zac asked, finally snapping back to reality.

Taylor shrugged, turning his attention away from the window.

“That’s a yes,” chuckled Zac.

“Maybe,” laughed Taylor. “But can you blame her?”

“No,” he sighed. “She has every right to be mad at me.”

“I was beginning to think you didn’t realize that.”

“I do.”

“If you do, then you obviously know you’re doing something wrong. Why don’t you do something about it?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know. I had every opportunity to tell Kate, and I didn’t. I’m a coward.”

“Okay, I’m not going to argue against that point because I pretty much agree,” he said as Zac gave him a pathetic look. “But I’m not here to yell at you, Zac, or try to force you to do things. It’s your life, your decision. I’m just here. To listen, talk, whatever you need, okay?”

Zac nodded. “Thank you.”

“But before this conversation is over, I just want to say that it’s not fair to Jolyn either, you know. She’s a sweet, nice girl, and she’s already been through so much. She doesn’t deserve to get hurt in all of this, and if you keep this up, she will.”

Zac cast his eyes to the floor in shame and guilt. Taylor was completely right, and he didn’t even know the extent to which how deep the hurt ran within Jolyn. Zac didn’t want to be another guy in her life to just cause her even more pain or to be a guy who closed her off even more. He wanted to help her, not hurt her, and he was doing the exact opposite. If he wanted their relationship to progress and last like he wanted, then something had to give; something had to change.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 02:42:14 GMT

Hi, my lovelies. Just wanted to give you a little quick update.

The next chapter is very close to being finished. There's one part that needs a few paragraphs added/touched up, and then there's one scene that needs to be filled out. If I didn't have to be up at the butt crack of dawn (5am) for work, I would probably be able to finish it tonight. But alas, I need to be going to bed asap.

If you're lucky, I may have it finished and posted tomorrow night. If not tomorrow night, then definitelythis weekend.

I know I didn't get this update out as soon as some people, and definitely myself, may have hoped. But hey, at least it's not another two months. :D

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 16:15:45 GMT

Hello again everybody! As most of you know, voting for the Reckless Abandon Awards closed last night, and I definitely wasn't expecting to win anything, especially since I really haven't been updating on a regular basis. But ya'll proved me wrong! Yay!!

So another BIG thank you is in order to all of you who voted for me! Ya'll helped me win 5 awards which very much surprised me. They're all in awesome categories!

Winner
Best Taylor in a Supporting Role
Best Non-Hanson Character Overall (Jolyn)
Best Best Friend (Sophia)

Runner-up
Best Non-Hanson Character Female (Jolyn)
Best Opening Scene

Check out the winners here and the stats here. There are some amazing authors who won and who were all definitely deserving of it. Congratulations to them all!

I really appreciate it so much, you guys. Thank you.

As for an update, still not sure when it'll be ready. I have today off, and so I hope to work on the chapter today. If I work hard, I could probably finish it today. But I don't know about that. lol Hopefully, sometime this week though there will be an update. :D

Love you all!

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 19:20:51 GMT

Hola beautiful people!

Well, today marks a year from when I posted the very first chapter. So after a year, I'm still online and still writing the story, which is a good and sad thing. lol Normally I quit after a couple of months and leave the story unfinished, but I've been determined to finish this story. I might say this is my favorite I've written. If not, it's a very close second. So the fact that I have stuck with the story this long says a lot. lol

It's kind of sad that in the sense, a year later, I'm still writing the story and am only 20 chapters in. Sure says a lot about my updating skills. ;)

I just want to give a HUGE thank you to all of those who have stuck with me this long and will continue to stay around as long as I do. :) It means so much to me that you all enjoy my story. Essentially, writing my story is for me, but the fact that I can share it with other lovely people and have them like something I wrote means the world to me and is definitely a nice bonus and keeps me motivated to keep going. You guys seriously are the best for sticking with me through all my hiatuses and randomly updating ways. I could never tell you how much it means to me, plus the fact that ya'll liked my story so much that I actually won awards! lol

I've never won anything for my writing before then, and some may say that it's just hanfic and they're just stupid awards, but to me, they're not. Especially, since to me, my story is more than just a hanfic. Yes, it stars the boys of Hanson, but in my mind, there's more to it, and it's just so nice to know people enjoy my writing enough to vote for me. :)

Now, I was hoping to have an update for today, even two, to celebrate. lol Buuuuut, I don't. The next chapter is started. I plan to work on it tonight, and I think you all will enjoy it. It's a nice, cute chapter so far.

Since I don't have a chapter, I thought I would let you all know that right now, doing a sequel is a go. It's tentatively titled Let Love In, borrowed from the song by the Goo Goo Dolls by the same name.

I fell in love with the song when I was listening to a special pre-release thing on VH1 and knew that the cd would be part of my collection as soon as it was out. The song, in my opinion, is beautiful and embodies a lot of what Jolyn and Zac are and their story. It fit perfectly in my mind, and it has fueled my mind with ideas, as has most of the album.

It was a tie between Stay With You and Let Love In as the title, but right now, I'm staying with Let Love In, but the title and everything may very well change depending on how the story ends. lol I've had the ending planned out for awhile, and if I keep it that way, it'll stay as it is now. If not, then a different title and theme song may come about.

We shall see. :)

Anyway, I've uploaded the song for you to download if you'd like.

Let Love In

Enjoy, my dears, and hopefully you will see an update from me soon.

Thank you, my loves!

Chapter Twenty

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 23:32:32 GMT

Holy fucking shit, what is this? It's an update people!! Aw man, I've missed you guys so much!

Sorry for the swearing. lol Anyway, a huge apology is in order from me for taking forever to update. It's been just a day over two months. Two months! That's crazy. I really am sorry. My mind and muse decided to take an unexpected hiatus without telling me. They did return long enough for me to finish this chapter though. So yay for that!

The next chapter has been started, but I'm not sure when it'll be finished. It definitely shouldn't be another two months. Let's hope that doesn't happen again. lol

Just a little news. Voting has opened up at Reckless Abandon Awards and the Soundtrack Awards as I'm sure most of you know. I'm only nominated over at Reckless which is totally fine by me. I want to pimp both because amazing authors are nominated at both places! So go be sure to vote for them! And thank you to whoever nominated me for another two awards at Reckless Abandon Awards - Best Opening Scene and Best Non-Hanson Character Female (Jolyn).

A big thank you! to all of those who have stuck with me this long and have stuck around!! It is sincerely appreciated it. I know some of you were getting restless for an update, and trust me, I was too. I really wanted to get one out, but life and my mind just weren't cooperating until now. I guess it doesn't help that all I ever do anymore is sleep. lol

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it! :) And hopefully the next chapter won't be too far off! I love you all so much! Enjoy, my dears. Thank you again!

*~*Chapter Twenty*~*

Jolyn lay curled up on her futon, a blanket secured tightly around her small frame, as she held the remote in one hand and her other hand fisted beneath her chin. She mindlessly flipped through the channels on the tv, hoping to find something, anything to occupy her for the next few hours as she didn’t feel like doing much, still feeling quite exhausted from the events that had occurred lately.

The day before, Zac had left her with a smile and a kiss after they had had their little talk and had decided to date casually, and ever since then, she hadn’t done anything other than lounging around and thinking things over as usual. While part of her agreed with the idea, agreed with the path they were traveling on, the other part of her was terrified and very unsettled over the idea. She couldn’t shake the feeling that the road wouldn’t be easy; she felt as though something dark was lurking in the shadows just waiting for the perfect opportunity to emerge and ruin everything, just like any other time when things were good in her life.

She thought of the eager look radiating in Zac’s eyes and his excited smile when she had told him that she agreed to date him casually, and she couldn’t stop the wings of the ever present butterflies from tickling her stomach. She hadn’t felt this way in quite some time, in fact, since when she had first met Jerad, and it scared her. The meaning and the depth of her feelings towards Zac frightened her, and she refused to fully acknowledge them until she was ready. The step she had taken in their relationship was already a big enough one for her and already messed with her mind too much that she was, in no way, ready to even begin dealing with what her feelings meant. It would be an extreme overload for her.

And even though she was frightened by their new relationship, she was happy and excited that they had moved into new territory because she would have been lying had she said that some part of her didn’t want it; some part of her always had.

A knock on her open door interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up to see Jayden smiling softly at her. She jumped up from her spot on the futon, throwing the blanket off of her body and beyond happy to see her friend who she hadn’t seen in over a week.

“Oh my God. Jayden,” she murmured, immediately collapsing in his accepting and awaiting arms and clutching the back of his sweatshirt in her fists as he wrapped his arms around her, supporting her weight.

“I heard,” he whispered into her hair, hugging her tightly.

She nodded against his chest.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. Logan asked me to cover his shift.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now.”

“You have no idea how much I want to go to Minnesota and kick that bastard’s ass,” he muttered.

“Don’t worry. Zac did a little of that already.”

“I know. I heard that too. I’m glad he did. The stupid fuckhead doesn’t even deserve to live.”

“Nobody deserves to die,” she whispered into his sweatshirt, breathing in his familiar scent.

Jayden laughed bitterly. “Only you would say that even when it’s about a guy who fucked you over ten ways from Sunday.”

Jolyn shrugged. “I may hate him for what he did, but I don’t think anyone ever deserves to die.”

“I wish I could have been there for you,” he whispered, upset that he hadn’t been the very best best friend he could be.

“Zac took care of me.”

“I know, and I’m grateful for that, but I just wish I could have been there for you too.”

While at one point he’d been jealous of all the time Zac had been spending with Jolyn and resented him for it, he couldn’t have been more grateful for the things Zac had done for her, not just while in Minnesota but ever since he had come into Jolyn’s life. He was helping Jolyn, too, deal with her past and move through it, and he was proving to be good for her. Zac was rapidly changing Jayden’s impression of him.

“It’s your turn now,” she whispered. “Zac may have been there at the time, but now I need you.”

Jayden squeezed her body to his tightly, appreciative of the words she whispered. Even though he had realized long ago that Zac wasn’t taking his place and that Jolyn wouldn’t forget about him, there were still times he couldn’t help thinking it, no matter how irrational it was. Her words meant the world to him and only strengthened the notion that Jolyn needed him just as much as he needed her.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, pulling away and leading her over to the futon.

She shrugged as he placed his hand on the small of her back, pushing her forward slightly. “To tell you the truth, I’m not so sure. I’m sure Sophia told you a lot of what I said yesterday.”

Jayden nodded. “More or less.”

“I just hate the fact that he still has such power over me,” she stated quietly. “It makes me feel so weak,” she admitted.

Jayden smiled sadly and sympathetically at her as she kept her eyes on the carpeted floor before them. “It doesn’t mean your weak, Jol. Not one bit. The way he makes you feel is completely normal after all that happened between the two of you.”

“But it’s been two years,” she urged. “He still shouldn’t have this much control over me after two years.”

“Yes, he should,” contended Jayden. “You haven’t seen him since you left Minnesota two years ago. You can’t expect not to feel anything or any of the emotions you felt your first time seeing him. Your reaction and feelings were and are completely normal.”

Jolyn shook her head slightly, still not looking up at Jayden.

“Jolyn,” he sighed softly. “You will get through this. You will get past Jerad, and this last weekend was just one of your many steps in doing that. So quit freaking out. Look at how far you’ve come already.”

Jolyn laughed bitterly, finally raising her head to meet his soft eyes with her cold ones. “Right,” she laughed sarcastically, suddenly angry with herself and his words. They sounded like such lies. She wanted so badly to believe the things Sophia and Jayden told her, but at times, it was just too hard when her own voice was telling her something completely different, just as it had been for years. “How far have I come, Jayden? I don’t trust people, especially the guys I date. I’m too afraid to date any guy seriously because I’m too scared to love someone or to be loved by someone. I’m scared of my emotions and of who I am half of the time because I’m scared I’ve lost myself and who I really am. I’m scared of my ex-boyfriend. I blame myself for my daughter’s death everyday; I have for the last two years, and I will for the rest of my life. I’m scared I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, playing my games, pushing people away, too afraid to let anyone get close to me romantically,” she spouted off, angrily and near tears. “Yes, I’ve come so far, Jayden,” she spat sarcastically.

Jayden sat quietly, slightly stunned by her confessions. Most of what she had said, he knew, but he didn’t know the extent of it all. He hated to think she had kept such things inside of her all these years, letting them build and build, waiting for them to finally explode and destroy her piece by piece, but he couldn’t help her if she didn’t tell him those things. He knew she didn’t keep things from him on purpose or because she didn’t trust him; it was because she was Jolyn. She had a hard time opening up and talking about her feelings, even to those who had been with her for so many years. She felt she was just burdening them with her problems when they already problems of their own.

Jolyn was a private person by nature and preferred to handle things on her own. She thought it meant she was weak if she didn’t and if depended on other people for help. Sophia, Zac, and he were slowly but surely trying to make her see that that wasn’t the case. No one could handle life’s trials and tribulations on their own; it just wasn’t possible nor was it very healthy. She’d certainly breakdown with no hope of repair if she continued to keep so many things buried inside, letting them eat away at her sanity.

“At least you recognize all of those things,” he stated softly. “You know what you need to work on, what needs to change. That’s one of the first steps right there. Now you can begin to work on them, and what you said isn’t all true,” he continued on before Jolyn could speak up. “You know who you are. You’ve just changed. Of course you’ve changed. You’re a new you. You can’t expect to be the same person you were before everything that happened with Jerad. It’s only natural and normal that what happened changed you. I’d be scared had it not. What happened was huge; of course it was going to have some affect on you, change you in some way. You’re just not used to the different you yet. You have to get to know her and learn to accept her. Yes, some things about the new you aren’t exactly healthy, but you know you need to work on those things. Sophia, Zac, and I will help you. And you do trust people because you trust us.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not so sure about Zac anymore,” she muttered.

“How are things with Zac by the way?” he asked, even though they both knew Sophia had filled him in on everything that had happened.

She shrugged. “We’re going to try the dating thing,” she said quietly.

“Is that such a good idea?”

“Probably not,” she muttered again.

Jayden sighed, shaking his head and becoming frustrated with her attitude. “Will you quit being so stubborn?” he almost yelled with such exasperation. “It’s amazing that Zac has even stuck around this long. I can only imagine what hell you put him through after he kissed you.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me,” he challenged, his voice strong and steady.

Jolyn shook her head, eyes wide with slight disbelief that he didn’t understand, as she looked back at him. “He’s my friend. I don’t want to ruin that. A romantic relationship with him is going to fail, and I’m scared of what it’s going to do to our friendship. The last thing I want is to lose his friendship, and a relationship with him will do just that.”

“With an attitude and outlook like that, your relationship will fail.”

Jolyn crossed her arms in front of her chest, her mouth set in a tight, thin line.

“Why did you even agree to date him casually then, Jolyn? Why date him when you’re so sure it’s just going to fail?” he challenged when she didn’t answer him. “You obviously want something more than friendship with him.”

“Just because I want to date him doesn’t mean it’s automatically going to work out. Something will mess it up because nothing good in my life lasts.”

Jayden rolled his eyes. He wanted to have sympathy for her and console her, but she was making it hard with the way she was acting. “Quit being so melodramatic. Are you saying Sophia and I aren’t good things in your life? We’ve been with you for almost two years, and we’re not going anywhere. Your family loves you. A great guy wants to be with you regardless of everything he knows about you and everything you’ve put him through. You’re at one of the top schools in the country and succeeding at what you do. You’re doing what you want; yet, none of those are good things?”

Jolyn sat quietly, refusing to answer him and acknowledge the fact that Jayden was right. She was too stubborn to admit when she was wrong.

“You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself. You’ll never get anywhere if you keep doing that; you’ll never get over what happened, and your relationship with Zac, or anyone else for that matter, will never work.”

Despite the fact that Jayden and she were pretty much arguing, she had to laugh to herself at how different Jayden and Sophia were in comforting her. Sophia was nurturing, extremely empathetic, and always validating Jolyn’s feelings, letting her know it was okay to feel the way she felt, and while Jayden did that at that times, he usually gave her a form of tough love. Sometimes it was what she needed in order for her to see how ridiculous she was being, but at times she just wanted him to baby her the way Sophia did, to make her feel like it was okay to feel the way she felt even if it was wrong or irrational.

This was not one of those times though because everything Jayden was saying was right. He had validated her feelings because some of what she felt was normal, but the way she felt toward Zac and her’s relationship and its future was not. She was setting it up for failure before it had even begun, and that was no way to start a new relationship that held tons of potential and possibilities.

“You deserve to be happy, Jolyn. If Zac makes you happy, don’t push him away.”

“I’m just so scared,” she whispered, finally speaking and finally admitting out loud exactly why she played all of her games. “I don’t want to get attached to someone. I don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Sophia’s always been right. I play my games to protect myself, but is that so wrong? I’m just watching out for myself.”

“It is when it destroys you,” countered Jayden.

Jolyn wanted nothing more than to counter back with a “but it’s not destroying me,” but saying that would have been voicing a complete lie, and they both knew it. Everything Jayden had said was true. They both knew her games were unhealthy because it got in the way of her ever having a truly meaningful relationship with someone else. She blocked herself off from ever feeling those emotions again just so she would never have to experience such heartache again, and it wasn’t healthy. She was only hurting herself, and if she continued on with her games, she would push everything good from her life, and she truly would end up alone and unhappy.

In the end, she merely nodded in response, both of them knowing that the nod meant that she agreed, that she recognized what he was talking about, and that she promised to work on it.

“Congratulations,” she whispered, changing the subject. “Sophia’s been on cloud nine.”

“Yeah,” he smiled sheepishly.

Jolyn smiled softly at his reaction. “That’s really great. I’m really glad you guys finally got together.”

“Yeah?” he asked, giving her a hopeful look.

“Yeah,” she nodded, confirming her sentiments.

“Thanks. It makes me happy to know you approve.”

“Duh, dorkis. Of course I do. I’ve only been rooting for you guys since the beginning, waiting for you two to finally hook up.”

“I know. I just wasn’t sure,” he shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still feel that way once it finally happened.”

“Nah, you’re both still my friends.”

Jayden nodded, smiling brightly.

“Who just happen to be dating one another. As long as you guys don’t ditch me, it’s all good.”

“Yeah right,” snorted Jayden. “You’ll be the one ditching us now that you’re dating a rock star. You’ll be going to all those cool celebrity Hollywood parties.”

“Right,” she laughed, shoving his shoulder lightly. “I think not.”

Jayden stayed well into the night, keeping Jolyn company as they watched random shows on tv and pigged out on bowls of popcorn and cans of Pepsi. Sophia returned from work after a long and tiring shift only to find her two best friends sprawled out in the room, Jolyn on the couch with one leg hanging off the edge and Jayden on his stomach on the floor with a pillow tucked in his arms to support his head. Laughing, she wordlessly slipped off her shoes, set down her things, and joined Jayden on the floor, slipping next to him.

Jolyn watched them, smiling softly, as they cuddled, shared small, sly smiles, and whispered sweet things back and forth every now and then. When she had first learned of Jayden’s and Sophia’s relationship, she thought that maybe it would be awkward to see them in such a new dimension, but as she watched her two best friends, it all seemed so natural, and she couldn’t have been happier for them.

She did have to admit that part of her was jealous of their new relationship, not because she felt as though they wouldn’t have enough time for her, but because she craved what they had. They both seemed so secure and comfortable with one another and their new relationship, and she could only hope that she could find that with someone. She could deny it out loud all she wanted, saying she never wanted to be in love again, but deep down, she knew it was a lie. Most of the time it was all she wanted, and time after time she craved to feel that way again. But just as much as she craved it, she feared it. The scars left on her heart were still fresh reminders of all the pain she had endured all because she had naively fallen in love, and every time she was reminded of that pain, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to fall in love again and subject herself to that kind of hurt.

After her hundreds of talks with Sophia and Jayden though, she knew it was time she moved passed the hurt and learned to trust men again with her heart, and deep down, she hoped that maybe Zac would be that someone she trusted; slowly, he was helping to heal the scars and was helping her see the way a relationship was meant to be. She just had to learn to have faith as her friends had.

Jayden left not even an hour after Sophia had returned from work, and the two girls spent the next hour or so conversing about their day and random things before they both fell asleep in the midst of their conversation. It wasn’t surprising that they both passed out due to the fact that Sophia had had a rough day at work and had to return early the next morning and Jolyn was still feeling the exhausting effects of the events of the last week and a half.

Jolyn fell asleep with a small smile on her face, dreaming about a certain man across town who was hopefully dreaming of her too, and come the next morning, the soft brush of a hand against her cheek made her stir. She groaned, pressing her face further into her pillow, trying to block out the sunlight peaking through the slit of the curtains framing the big window in their dorm room.

“Morning sunshine,” she heard the low, rough whisper as the hand moved around to the small of her back and rubbed gentle circles into her skin through her thin tank top.

Breathing in deeply, she slowly opened her eyes and came face to face with Zac, who was kneeling beside the futon, smiling tenderly at her.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hmm,” she moaned softly in response, closing her eyes again.

“No. No going back to sleep. Time to wake up.”

“I’m tired,” she whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“You fell asleep on the futon.”

“Told you I was tired.”

He was silent for a minute while glancing over her stretched-out body before speaking. “Scoot over,” he instructed.

Jolyn obeyed, moving closer to the back of the couch, and she felt Zac climb in next to her. He immediately wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him and inhaling her scent, and he tangled his legs with hers as he dropped a kiss on her forehead.

“Sophia let you in?” she questioned.

“Yeah, I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course.”

Zac placed his chin atop Jolyn’s head, and he heard her sigh, her warm breath whispering across the skin of his neck. Within a matter of minutes, she fell back asleep, and her easy, consistent breathing lulled him to sleep as well. The two enjoyed a mid-morning nap, and almost two hours later, he felt himself stirring as he reached consciousness. With his eyes closed, he felt Jolyn still nestled in his arms, and he smiled softly. Opening his eyes, he found Jolyn looking back at him, and he chuckled to himself when he saw that an amused smirk graced her face.

“Hi,” she whispered. “Good dream?” she questioned, referring to his smile upon waking.

“No. A good thing to wake up to,” he murmured as he groaned and stretched his body against hers.

“You were tired, too,” she noted.

“You made me tired; you fell asleep on me. You sure know how to entertain your guests.”

“I try,” she smirked. “I did tell you I was tired.”

“So. That’s no reason to fall asleep on me. You need to learn to suck it up and not be so lazy.”

Rolling her eyes, Jolyn snorted as Zac laughed and pulled her closer to his body. Sighing contently, he let his eyes fall shut as he breathed in her scent, and the only thought on his mind was that the moment couldn’t be any more perfect. He had a beautiful girl lying in his arms, and he was finding himself falling for her more and more even though they had only been officially dating for just a few days. Truth be told, he had begun to fall for her as soon as he had met her; he had just refused to admit it.

Amid his thoughts of contentment, he felt Jolyn shift in his arms and could actually feel her heart pounding in her chest. His mind flashed back to when they had first slept together in her bed and his heart had been beating a mile a minute due to being so close to her when he realized his feelings towards her were changing, and now, the tables were turned.

“Jol,” he laughed lightly, stroking her back softly. “Don’t be so nervous. Just relax.”

She sighed. “I’m trying. This is just weird.”

“Why is this weird?” he chuckled.

“Well, because it’s different now.”

“It’s no different from when we used to cuddle before,” he contended.

“Yes, it is. It means something completely different now.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he whispered, shaking his head the best he could. “I meant it the exact same way then as I mean it now. You just didn’t know it then,” he smirked slightly.

He didn’t need to see her face to know a small smile was creeping across it, and his hand traveled up her back, caressing the exposed skin of her upper back and neck. He felt her shiver against his body, and he grinned, loving the effect he had on her.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you yesterday,” he whispered, his voice low and running his hand through her unruly hair.

Her smile brightened as she buried her face in his neck, and the butterflies in her stomach spread their wings, their fluttering tickling her insides. “Good.”

She felt his body shake against hers with his chuckle. “I don’t even have to ask to know you were thinking about me all day yesterday.”

“Right. Keep believing your delusions,” she laughed lightly with a roll of her eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes,” he instructed knowingly even though he couldn’t see her.

“It’s almost sad how well you know me.”

“Well, I like it.”

“Me too,” she finally whispered softly.

And it was the truth. She was still scared of opening herself completely to a guy, and over time, ever since her horrible situation with Jerad, she had built a wall. But slowly, piece by piece, Zac was chipping away at the wall, breaking it down and climbing over it, and for once, she wasn’t fighting back. Her new relationship with Zac, her opening up to him, his accepting her, it all just seemed natural and right, and she couldn’t compete with that, no matter how much she wanted to, no matter how hard she tried, and no matter how much it scared her.

--------------------

Closing his bedroom door behind him, he sighed tiredly and perched himself on the edge of his unmade bed. After a long and stressful day in the studio, this was the last thing he wanted to do, but for days he had been working up the courage for what he was about to do. Actually, in reality, it had been months; only in the last few days had he finally seriously contemplated it and thought out what he was going to say and how he was going to say it.

Glancing at the phone in his hand, he swallowed thickly, an impossible lump in his throat and his heart already starting to pound in his chest, and he brought up her name on his screen, sighed deeply, and pressed the “Call” button. Putting the phone up to his ear, he listened anxiously as it rang on the other end and waited nervously for her to answer.

“Hey,” she greeted, a smile plastered on her face and evident in her voice.

“Hey,” he whispered back.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay. What about you?”

“Good. Just leaving campus. Are you sure you’re okay?” she questioned, concerned. “You sound weird.”

“No, I’m fine. Just a little tired. I just woke up from a nap,” he lied, cringing as he did so.

“Oh okay.”

Zac pretended to listen as she launched into telling him about her day and other random and various things in her life that he hadn’t been caught up on. He “uh huh”ed and “oh yeah?”ed in all the right places of the conversation, but his mind was the farthest it could have been from actually paying attention to what she was saying.

“What have you been up to?” she questioned, finally regaining his attention.

“Oh, nothing much. Just working on the album.”

“Well, my, you sure know how to leave some time for fun,” she teased.

Zac forced a small laugh. “Yeah, blame it on Taylor. Workaholic.”

She laughed lightly on the other line. “Sounds about right.”

Zac’s guilt intensified as he listened to her laugh; she sounded so carefree and innocent. In her mind, everything was okay; everything pertaining to them and their relationship was just fine where it stood. She led her life ignorantly happy, and Zac knew it was his fault because he had kept her completely in the dark about everything. He couldn’t take it anymore as he listened to her chat about her courses breezily.

“I lied,” he blurted suddenly.

“What? About what? You haven’t been working on the album?” she questioned, not following what he was saying.

“No, no, that’s not it. I lied when I said I’m okay. I’m not okay.”

“Okay,” she said drawing it out, confused. “What’s wrong? Are you sick or something?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head even though she couldn’t see him.

“Well, then, what is it?”

Taking a deep breath, he blew it out slowly and audibly, finally gathering the courage to say what he had to say, what should have been said long ago. “Kate, I think you should see other people.”

She was silent for a few minutes, gripping the phone in her dainty hand, and Zac listened to her breathing falter on the other end, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, knowing he had caused the reaction and the million of hurtful emotions and thoughts she was feeling and thinking.

“W…why?” she stuttered, caught completely off guard by what he had said. One minute they were happily conversing about what they had been up to in the past few weeks, and the next minute, he was telling her to see other people. She hadn’t expected their conversation to take such a sudden turn, and she feared what would come of it. She was not prepared for this at all.

Zac shrugged even though she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know,” he muttered.

“No,” she whispered. “You can’t not have a reason for something like this. There’s a reason.”

Zac swallowed thickly. “I feel like I’m holding you back.”

Kate laughed in shock on the other end. “Holding me back? Holding me back from what?"

"I don't know. From doing what you want. From being happy," he whispered.

"You’re not. You’re not holding me back. I am happy. I'm happy with you.”

“How do you know I’m the one for you?” he sighed. “How do you not know there’s another guy out there for you? I want you to date other guys and see. I want you to make sure. I want you to be a hundred and ten percent positive in your decision.”

“I don’t want to see other people.”

“Kate...” he breathed.

“Do you want to see other people? Is that what this is about?” she questioned, cutting him off and becoming more upset and worried by the second. “There’s another girl, isn’t there? You don’t want to feel guilty being the only one seeing someone else during our break, and so you tell me to see other people so you don’t feel so guilty. So you don’t look like the bad guy, right?”

Zac’s breath caught in his throat. This was his chance to just say it, to just come clean, and let Kate know that he was seeing Jolyn, that he was seeing another woman. “N…no,” he stuttered. “That’s not it at all.” ”What the fuck am I doing?!” he screamed mentally. “I love you, Kate, and I want you to make sure that you love me too, to make sure that there are no doubts in your mind that I’m the one for you and you’re the one for me.”

Kate sat quietly on the other end of the line, her breathing the only sound, before she spoke softly, a little calmer this time. “Do you have doubts? I mean, don’t you? How do you know I’m the one? If I’m dating other people, then you should too. If I’m to date other people to make sure you’re the one for me, how can you make sure I’m not the one for you if you’re not dating other people?”

Zac’s jaw slacked lightly. Was this really happening? This was almost too easy. He was getting what he wanted without ever having to tell Kate the entire truth.

“I…I don’t know,” he finally whispered. He didn’t want to answer her questions by telling her that he was already seeing someone else, but he also didn’t want to lie to her by saying that he was sure she was the one when he wasn’t sure at all.

Kate sighed before whispering, “So there it is. Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged his one shoulder slightly.

“So we’re seeing other people then?”

“I guess,” he answered quietly.

“I don’t want to see other people,” she repeated softly once again after a few seconds of silence.

Zac sighed, his heart clenching in his chest, knowing how much this was hurting her. It hurt him too, but he couldn’t lie and say it hurt him just as much as it hurt her because it wasn’t the truth. Part of him was thrilled because then he could date Jolyn without feeling mass amounts of guilt and without feeling as though as he was lying to Kate or Jolyn or betraying them in some way. He could be the couple he wanted to be with Jolyn without lying to either of the girls and without hurting anyone. “I’m not forcing you, Kate. It’s just now you…we…have the option to do so if it ever arises.”

He couldn’t see her, but he knew she was nodding at what he said. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she whispered, choking back a few tears.

“I love you, Kate. So much. I just want us to be sure that this is right…that what we had planned for our future is right for us.”

Zac heard her choke on a sob and knew her tears had increased. “Why do we have to date other people to do that?”

“Because we were young when we started dating and both of us have only ever been with one or two other people. I just feel like we deserve the chance to explore what is out there.”

“But I don’t want to,” she whispered, trying to keep her crying at a minimum.

Zac squeezed his eyes shut tightly and ran his free hand over his tired face and through his tousled hair. She had been fairly calm through most of the conversation, but now that she had started crying and was starting to realize the seriousness of the situation, she was starting to freak out a bit. She had sort of easily agreed to the idea, but she was beginning to fight back now that she had realized she could lose him. He should have known it wouldn’t have been so easy.

“Then don’t,” he whispered. “But the option is there, okay? Please just try and understand.”

“I am trying, but if you know you love me, I don’t understand why you need to date other people just to make sure. I know I love you, and I don’t need to date other people to know that, to convince myself of that,” she argued, her sobs easing.

Zac wasn’t exactly sure how to respond without hurting her feelings more. He knew this was his chance to be completely honest with her and tell her that he wasn’t so sure she was the one anymore, but he didn’t say any of it. “I just want you to be sure,” was all he said.

---------------------

The closing of the apartment door startled Zac from the notepad he was furiously scribbling across. Finishing the lyrics in his head, he looked up to see his brothers making their way over to the living room area as they talked quietly between themselves, laughing ever so often.

“Hey man,” greeted Isaac, sitting in the chair across from Zac as he set his coffee on the table in front of him. “Whatcha doing?”

Zac tapped the eraser of the pencil on his notebook in his hands. “Just working on some lyrics.”

Taylor nodded. “Let’s hear it.”

Zac shook his head, closing the notebook. “Nah, it’s nothing worth hearing. I just scribbled a few lines. Where were you guys?”

“Just went to go get some coffee,” said Isaac, motioning to his cup.

Zac nodded. “Thanks for bringing me some,” he stated sarcastically.

“No problem,” smirked Isaac.

Zac rolled his eyes, setting his notebook next to him on the couch.

“So still not sharing?” questioned Taylor, motioning towards the notebook.

“Nope.”

“All right then. Let’s talk about Jolyn,” challenged Taylor.

“What about her?”

“Something happened,” stated Taylor, knowingly.

Zac shook his head confused, glancing back and forth between his two brothers. “Uh, not really. Nothing’s changed since our relationship changed.”

“Okay, let’s put it this way. Something happened with Kate that I’m pretty sure has to do with Jolyn.”

“No, and how the hell would you know anyway?”

“Because Nat was up all night on the phone trying to calm down a hysterical Kate,” he smirked victoriously. “I don’t know why you try to keep things from us. For one, we’re your brothers, and we know when something is bothering you. Secondly, we always find out. You might as well just tell us instead of us always having to force it out of you.”

Zac should have known that Kate would have called Natalie right after their conversation, and so he should have expected his brothers to confront him. “You don’t always have to force it out of me,” defended Zac sheepishly.

“Oh, that’s right,” snorted Isaac. “I guess we forgot about Zac’s one free confession a year.”

Taylor chuckled, taking a long sip of his coffee.

“You all are a bunch of asses.”

“We try,” smiled Taylor.

“And you wonder why I never tell you guys anything.”

“Because you’re a dumbass,” offered a grinning Isaac.

Zac sarcastically smiled before shaking his head and sighing. “There’s nothing wrong with being private.”
He realized that just as Jolyn had a hard time trusting people; so did he. He had learned to be discreet and guarded because he had learned at a very young age that what he said and told people was never safe, and that lesson had carried on through his life. Being famous and being in the spotlight for most of his life, he had learned to keep a lot of his personal life private and under wraps in interviews and what not, and it had transferred over into all aspects and people in his life.

“It is when you do it all the time. We just worry about you sometimes. It’s not healthy to keep it in all the time,” argued Taylor as Isaac nodded in agreement.

“Oh, okay Dr. Taylor,” mocked Zac sarcastically.

Taylor rolled his eyes at his brother’s response. “I’m serious; I’m just trying to help.”

“If I wanted your help, I’d ask for it,” snapped Zac.

He was getting more pissed off by the minute. He hated being interrogated and hated feeling as though his brothers were analyzing him and ganging up on him.

“No, you wouldn’t. That’s the point. You never do, and if you needed it, you wouldn’t because you’re a stubborn ass and want to do everything yourself. God, Jolyn and you are practically perfect for each other.”

Zac sighed, realizing they were exactly right. Taylor mentioning Jolyn made him think about how hard it was to get her to open up at times when she didn’t want to; it was like pulling teeth. She was just as guarded as Zac sometimes and wouldn’t open up until everything inside of her had crumbled to such tiny pieces that they couldn’t be put back together, when it was finally too late and she was on the verge of breaking down, teetering on the ledge of hopelessness.

One of the few exceptions in his life was Jolyn. He could tell her practically anything, and if he could tell her stuff so freely, he didn’t understand why she couldn’t do the same with him. He imagined his brothers were feeling that exact same way towards him. If they had such an easy time sharing things so freely with him, why couldn’t he do the same with them?

Jolyn was working on that part of herself; she had promised Zac she would. He could do the same. Granted he wasn’t nearly as guarded as she was, but it was still an area it wouldn’t hurt him to work on. He knew his brothers would always be there and would always keep his secrets safe. If he could open up to Jolyn, a girl he had met only almost four months ago, then he could open up to his brothers of eighteen years.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. We just wish you would trust us a little more,” sighed Taylor. “We’re your brothers. There’s no reason not to trust us.”

Zac nodded. “I know. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t particularly trust anybody. I mean you guys know as well as anybody else that in our business we have to keep certain things private; it’s just kind of carried over into other aspects of my life.”

Isaac nodded. “Yeah, we understand, but stop it,” he added with a chuckle.

Zac laughed, shaking his head, before stating, “I told Kate.”

“You did?” questioned Taylor surprised at how quickly Zac said it.

“Sort of,” he answered quietly.

“What do you mean sort of?”

Zac sighed, immediately launching into what he had told Kate and how she had responded. Not much had been said after Kate’s crying episode. She, once again, reluctantly agreed to seeing other people, and Zac assured her that he loved her. Hanging up, he obviously knew she wasn’t happy and was extremely worried that they were slowly falling apart, and she was right. She had every right to be worried because slowly but surely, Zac was moving farther and farther away from their relationship. With time and distance, the intensity of his feelings for her were dissolving, but Kate just didn’t know it yet. She didn’t know the extent to which Zac was questioning his feelings and love for her.

Needless to say, Taylor wasn’t surprised by Kate’s freak out towards the end of their conversation as it was completely natural and Kate had every reason to freak out, but he was proud his little brother had finally taken a step towards telling Kate the truth. He still didn’t understand why Zac hadn’t told her it was all because he had met another woman who he wanted to be with, but it was Zac’s life, and he would let him handle it how he wanted to, no matter how much he disagreed with his logic. No matter how much he wanted to protect his little brother, to make up for all the times he felt he hadn’t, Zac was growing up and becoming an adult; he had to learn to handle his own life, make his own decisions and mistakes, and learn from them.

All Taylor could do was give him advice and be there for his brother when Zac needed him to be. He just hoped that everything worked out in the long run, for everyone’s sake because the situation was definitely one set up for disaster.

----------------------------------

Mumbling a few choice swear words, Jolyn, frustrated, pounded the backspace key and deleted the last few words she had written. She had spent the last two and a half hours attempting to write the rough draft of her paper for her Criminology course, and she had only been successful in writing two pages of her ten page paper. She couldn’t seem to concentrate on the all information she had found, and thus, trying to organize all of her information and put it in a sensible order to have it flow well was not happening.

Sighing, she welcomed the interruption of her ringing cell phone and grabbed it off of the shelf above her. Glancing at the screen, she smiled, definitely thankful for the distraction.

“Yes?” she smiled, answering the phone.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was looking for a beautiful, gorgeous girl who drives me completely wild. I must have the wrong number.”

“Jerk off,” she laughed.

“Damn straight, I do.”

“Ah, the ever present perversion.”

“Yup,” he grinned. “So whatcha doing?”

“I’m trying to do my homework,” she sighed.

“Sounds boring.”

“Eh, it usually is. What are you doing?”

“Talking to you.”

“Well, no duh. What were you doing before you called me?”

“Dialing your number.”

Jolyn rolled her eyes even though he couldn’t see. “Nevermind. What are you planning to do once you get off the phone with me?”

“Well, that depends.”

“On what?”

“On you.”

“What about me?”

“Well, Miss Jolyn, I was calling to ask if you would like to go out on a date with me tonight.”

“Mmm, nope,” she teased. “You’re only giving me a few hours notice, and I have certain rules when it comes to dating me. One being that you must give me two days notice so I can fit you into my busy schedule. Sorry.”

“Aw, don’t make me beg.”

“Now, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.”

“Forget it woman; I ain’t begging. I’m not that desperate,” he chuckled.

“Yes, you are.”

“Okay, maybe I am, but I’m still not begging.”

“No begging. No date,” she challenged.

“Excuse me, but I will not be reduced to such humiliating and disgusting behavior.”

Jolyn laughed at his snotty tone. “Damn, that could have been fun. So where are you planning on taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” he grinned.

“It’s always a surprise with you.”

“Of course. Be ready at seven thirty. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, he hung up the phone, ending their conversation. Jolyn shook her head, smiling, as she pulled the phone from her ear and stared at the screen.

It had been almost two weeks since Zac and Jolyn had officially started dating casually, and while they had spent some time together in the last few days, it had been more of them just hanging out and being friends – friends that cuddled anyway- and they had yet to go out on an actual date and partake in couple activities and rituals. Now that Zac had finally talked to Kate, he felt it was okay to start furthering their relationship and acting like a couple, as long as Jolyn felt the same way.

Their situation seemed to be working out just fine, and after talking with Jayden and Sophia about what Zac and she had agreed upon, Jolyn felt a little more at ease with Zac’s and her’s arrangement. Zac and Jolyn had set just a few ground rules, the main rule being they were free to date other people as they were not exclusive. It was basically like any other relationship Jolyn had had with guys before Zac, and while she wanted to eventually try her hand at a serious relationship, she wasn't ready for it yet. She wanted to feel comfortable going into this new relationship with Zac, and having it start out like any other relationship she had been in made her feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, Zac had been nothing but amazing towards her and her reluctance to go through with everything. He did his best to try and understand where she was coming from and had no problem in taking things slowly. He, too, wanted her to be comfortable in their new relationship and didn't want to do anything that would push her away. He just wanted to be with her, and thus, he was willing to do whatever it took.

Jolyn had certainly noticed how wonderful Zac was being towards her, and she was soon realizing that if things kept at this pace and Zac continued to be so wonderful, Jolyn knew that their relationship would become more and she’d develop that faith and security she envied so much about Jayden and Sophia’s relationship. She'd finally be ready for that serious relationship she had been preparing for.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 03:37:37 GMT

As I'm sure it's no surprise, I still don't have an update. lol Seriously though, I promise I am working on it. Alex (scarabeo) can atest for that. She knows I've been writing. I'm actually working on the chapter right now; I'm taking just a bit of a break. But looking at it, the chapter is actually almost finished. I just have one section that needs to be expanded on and a few other little parts that need to be touched up. So yay for that. I'm not sure if it'll be posted this weekend. I'm leaving tomorrow after work to go visit some friends back at school and then we're heading to the Mall of America on Saturday. So if I work hardcore on Sunday on the chapter, ya'll might have a new chapter then. Otherwise, hopefully early next week.

I'm just still trying to get used to my new schedule now that I've started work. I'm so used to staying up late, but now that I work at 5:30 every morning, I'm trying to get used to going to bed early. But that hasn't happened yet; so I end up taking massive naps when I get home and then my night is usually shot. I'm slowly but surely getting there.

Anyway besides that, I've been nominated at the Reckless Abandon Awards. I'm not sure who nominated me; so whoever you are thank you! I've been nominated for Best New Author, Best Author Overall, Best Taylor in a Supporting Role, Best Non-Hanson Character Overall (Jolyn), and Best Best Friend (Sophia), which are all completely awesome categories.

So be sure to go over there and nominate the awesome authors out there if you haven't yet and if they haven't been nominated, and when it comes time for voting, it'd be awesome if you go vote for all of the amazing authors who've been nominated. :)

I'm going to put in a little plug for Miss Kristy here. She's been so lovely in plugging my story, and she just doesn't seem to get the reader/feedback loving she deserves. Her stories are so lovely, and I was hooked from the get go! Some of you may know of her already, but if you don't, check her out at The Words I Wrote.

She has awesome stories over there...So Many Times Before, and she is currently working on the sequel to that story called Any Better Than This. I also recommend Fallen Down Angels and its sequel which is currently being updated, Truth of Scars and which she is writing with the lovely Heather.

No lie. All amazing and lovely stories. She has such talent. :) I definitely recommend checking them out.

So that's a little update for you lovelies. Thank you so much for being so patient and hanging in there with me. I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and all I can do is ask that ya'll stick with me just a bit longer and have a little faith in me. It would mean the world to me. If I could, I would give you all massive, bear hugs and yummy cookies in appreciation, but I can't. lol All I can do is update with a chapter (soon hopefully), hope that you all will read it, and still stick with me and believe that I really appreciate your patience with me.

Night my dears! I love you all!

Mon, 29 May 2006 17:29:18 GMT

So I must say THHAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!! to all of those who voted for me over at the FWID awards because I won 3 awards and was runner up for 5. I was definitely not expecting any of that whatsoever, and so needless to say, I was estatic when I looked last night. I was like a little kid on Christmas. hahah Right away at midnight, I looked, hoping the results were up.

Anyway, if you're interested as to what you guys help me win...

Best Supporting Character (Male) - Jayden
Best Zac
Best Beginning (scene)

Runner-up Categories
Author With the Best Ideas
Best Supporting Taylor (Aw, drunken Taylor)
Best Unfinished
Best Kiss (Chapter 14)
Voter's Choice

Go here to see a complete list of all the wonderful winners and runner-uppers, and if you want to see the totals for each category, go here.

As I said, I really wasn't expecting any of this, and I was so completely happy and pleasantly surprised when I saw the results. So thank you to all of you! You all are the best!

In other news, I don't have an update. I'm horrible, I know. But I wrote like a madwoman yesterday which hasn't happened in quite sometime, and so the chapter is coming along. I still can't put a time frame on when it'll be up, but I'm trying. I start work Tuesday, and so I'll have more time to be writing since I won't be able to go out at night, considering I have to be up at 5 every morning. Ew.

But yeah, hopefully soon! I'm aiming for this weekend. So we'll see. Keep your fingers crossed.

As for the second part to the short story I wrote, that's been sitting idle for awhile, but there will be a second part. It's just sort of taken a back seat until I get the next chapter finished for Fear the Most.

Also, my mind has been tossing around the idea of another story. I have the basics, but I really need to develop the plot more. So we'll see. It kinda came out of nowhere and has been taking form all on its own. It's kind of crazy. lol I'm not sure if this story will actually make it to you guys or if I'll even attempt to write it. We shall see.

If I do decide to attempt it, Fear the Most and the sequel that will most likely happen will come first. :)

So my girls, thank you! and hang in there for an update. I know you have been waiting a long time, and I really appreciate it. I really appreciate that you're willing to stick with me through my on and off phases. But don't worry. I haven't given up on the story; I just took an unexpected hiatus.

Love you all!

Sat, 20 May 2006 02:43:03 GMT

I must apologize for how long it is taking me to update. I don't want to make excuses, but they're more of explanations. Things have been crazy with graduation parties, packing and unpacking, catching up on sleep, driving my dad everywhere (lol), and partying with friends. On top of that, my bestest friend ever left for 7 months on Monday, and I've been trying to get through that. It was a little rough. lol

I can't lie and say the chapter is close to being finished because it's not. But I have been working on it. It's also been kind of hard to write because I haven't had much inspiration or motivation. This next week will be kinda hectic too, but the week after, I start work, and oddly enough, things should slow down significantly, leaving me with more time to write.

I'll be working on the next chapter bit by bit until it's finished, and hopefully, it'll be finished very very soon. Just hang in there.

Thank you so much for being so patient with me! I love you all!

Sat, 13 May 2006 23:29:42 GMT

Hola lovelies! Guess what? School is OVER!!!! Has been since Thursday actually. lol But I've been spending the last few days partying with my friends who are all graduating and leaving me behind. lol Only one more year for me, and then I'll have to enter the real world or go on to grad school to avoid that. lmao

Anywho, just wanted to let you know that once this weekend is over and I'm done packing and unpacking for the most part, I plan to start on the next chapter and get that out to you. So hopefully sometime this next week or next weekend there will be a new chapter.

Just wanted to let you know what's up and what's going on. :)

I'm also planning on doing a second part to the short story I posted last week. So that'll be coming sometime too.